I knew better...

Well tonight ended with a whimper...actually more of a yell with lots of fuck's being uttered. Tonight's less-than-wise decision was to NOT change lanes when passing police cars and a pulled over car. (But my exit was RIGHT there!)

And the other night when Ryan had his party, I went and did my own thing without thinking of him or anyone else (though in my defense I was feeling anxious and nervous...still those are just excuses...)

I've been naughty at work with screwing around with FB (we have access again!) and not being available as much as I should for phone calls. And my "talk time" has been out of control (but that actually is already getting better so I won't whinge about that one too much)

..It's been pointed out to me that I have a tendency to get in my own way. This is not news right? I think it's actually the story of my life.

*Sigh*

I have forgotten my intent to do that thing that Gabbi talked about...about doing the next right thing. I am not listening to my inner wise voice telling me to do things like CHANGE FUCKING LANES.

So what IS up with all of that? Or maybe it's just that shit happens. (Pep talk time...Sam, you are human and not always going to make the perfect choice but it doesn't mean you should give up. You MUST keep on keepin' on and make that right choice. You can do it!)

It's not that hard to do the right thing, most of the time. It's thinking of others. It's obeying traffic laws. It's thinking of the consequences of my actions, whether they be good or bad.

I am trying though, in some ways...

**I did have my physical last week (let's not talk about the fact that I lost 9 lbs since the last time I was in and hearing that has me freaked out and I'm doing my best to get them back -talk about a perfect example of self-sabotage! ...but that may be a post for another day)

***I'm taking an increased dosage of my "happy" pill.

****I'm finally going to the dentist this week.

I will pay the damn fine for that ticket I just got (with my 3rd court date coming up at the end of the month, I need to not have that hanging around.)

Big news! Apologies for not talking about this sooner...I'm changing my work life in a major way week after next. I've been bored with the job and so have bid into group sales and my schedule will be completely different from what it's been the last 3+ years. I'll be working M-F from 11-7:30pm. I'll have weekends off. Crazy! I am not sure how I feel about that but the benefits to my new schedule will be that I will have all of my weeknights free which should give B and I more opportunities to see each other...and the job itself should be fun, or at least a change of pace and maybe kind of exciting?

I just hope I can deal with being alone on Saturday nights. Oooh. Hadn't even really thought about that until just now. I used to have a real problem with them. That's when I felt the loneliest. Working on them helped. Maybe I'll need to pick up some kind of part-time job for just that one night a week...or gee, maybe get a life and do things with friends?

I'm not the same person I was, even a year ago, and I think I am strong enough to find a way to deal with the new life I will have. And if it's really terrible, well, hell, I'll just bid back into the SkyMiles job in the fall.

Well OK I think this is enough for tonight. Time for winding down and then lights out.

I survived it.

Two months ago, before the move, I thought to myself that I didn't know if I'd be able to deal with the move and that change in my life.

Thankfully I came out on the other side with most of my sanity intact.

I finally had a physical last Thursday and it was the kind of the physical that got me thinking about things again in terms of my physical self. But I guess that's fairly common isn't it? Spend a little time putting the magnifying glass on a certain aspect of yourself and give it some much overdue attention.

So yeah...this body.

*Sigh*

Ramblings in the wee small hours

Well actually it's only 2am. I should be thinking of winding things down -especially after the disaster going to bed last night was. Lights out at 3am and I didn't fall asleep 'til around 5...5:30! I was NOT a happy camper about that. Especially since I'm trying to get over the first cold I've had in god knows how long. (Taking a daily vitamin WORKS when you actually take the bloody thing DAILY!)

Oh what an exciting couple of weeks it's been.

* Court date #2 last week - got myself a public defender and thank god because the prosecutor wanted/wants to suspend my driver's license. Now granted, I did the crime but I've made good! And I'll never do it again! And I will prove to them that I have car insurance as often as they want for as long as they want! So there is yet another day to go back to court. Let's hope it's the last time. (Worst case scenario they do suspend it but maybe I get a "work" one only? And it would only be for 6 months? The PD thinks it really shouldn't come down to that though....please please let him be right!)

* Pop lost his job. They let him go. Supposedly trumped up charges of some sort and they've been gunning for him for awhile and finally had their ammunition. He's understandably angry and bitter. I just hope he does find some part-time work ...shit, I keep forgetting to see if the airline has anything for him!... and that along with the social security he can now apply for, they should be OK and not have to move (again) to more affordable housing. They have the nicest place they've ever had and moving is so stressful.

* Hmmm, still thinking about running off to Nice for a few days but we'll just have to see how it goes. I'll find out my new shifts tomorrow and I'll have to see how it all could work with the budget. Missing a couple days of work this week didn't help since I'm officially out of sick time until next month. Oh well. It's all about keeping my expenses down to a minimum. The cell phone is back under control and that's big.

And if Troy would both give me some other work AND pay me for the last job I did for him, that will help. Granted, I need to get my shit together and find a better way to organize the lists he sends me and make sure I don't delete ANY of the emails! I'm feeling like an idiot because I couldn't give him some information he asked for the other day (I'm also feeling afraid that with how long it took me to do the last one, combined with that I'm not following through with sending back a final list of who got what, that he's going to think he's made a mistake in asking me to help him with this stuff. Oh well. I can only wait and see if he gives me any more work. I hope he does or I need to make sure he gets all of his supplies back so they aren't just laying around taking up space (or maybe one of these days I'll actually organize them properly!))

*Sigh*

* Have a doctor appointment day after tomorrow at fucking o'dark early (or whatever you call it when it's the middle of the night for a night owl like me) I will be tempted to just stay up all night but that staying up all hours of the "night" crap is what contributes to my getting a cold. I will also be tempted to cancel but it's for a physical and to get a new refill for the "happy" pills so I guess I better just get my ass up early. Right-o.

* On a happier note, the new living situation is going well. We're settling in and getting used to each other lifestyles, schedules and routines. I am really happy I'm here and I hope Ryan is too.

* My dearest old friend Diane turned 40 this past weekend and I'm really happy for her. She may be worried about that big 4-0 like the rest of us but it's actually really not so bad...so far.

Well, I think that's all I'll get into tonight.

Onward. Just...onward.

Well France is pretty close to Italy

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): No other country on the planet has a greater concentration of artistic masterpieces than Italy. As for the place that has the most natural wonders and inspiring scenery per square mile: That's more subjective, but I'd say Hawaii. Judging from the astrological omens, Leo, I encourage you to visit one or both of those two hotspots -- or the closest equivalents you can manage. (If you already live in Italy or Hawaii, you won't have far to go.) In my opinion, you need to be massively exposed to huge doses of staggering beauty. And I really do mean that you NEED this experience -- for your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

and because it's also appropriate and I LIKE it...

CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you were a poker player, the odds would now be far better than usual that you'd be voted one of the "50 Sexiest Poker Players in the World." If you were a physician volunteering your services in Haiti or Sudan, there'd be an unusually high likelihood that you'd soon be the focus of a feature story on a TV news show. And even if you were just a pet groomer or life coach or yoga teacher, I bet your cachet would be rising. Why? According to my reading of the omens, you Cancerians are about to be noticed, seen for who you are, or just plain appreciated a lot more than usual.

☯ ♥

See the thing is I have an opportunity to stay in a place in Nice, France, for FREE. I got the offer from a woman I helped on the phone awhile back and I recently confirmed with her that the offer still stands. It does!!!

I seriously need to get away. Need to fly and become the person on the other side of the phone again. How can I not take advantage of this opportunity being presented to me right? So now I'm going to go do some reading on Nice and look up this place on Google Maps....

And then I really think I'm going to try to make it happen...next month. We're bidding for our next shift in a couple of weeks and until I know what I know what my new schedule will be, Regardless of what my schedule will be, I know I'm going to have to be willing to trade shifts. :( (I don't like doing that because it messes up my "routine" and I function best with routine.) But I'm desperate for an adventure so I'm eager to be able to put the exact dates on the calendar. Juggling the work schedule be damned! And then somehow, someway, I'll make it work and do it within my budget. I won't need much...mostly just money in case something goes wrong trying to get home!

☯ ♥

B was out of town for almost 2 weeks and is finally back and I'm so happy. We only saw each other a couple of times in March and I started to doubt (again) whether or not I could handle staying in the relationship with how there are these "periods" of little physical contact (his annual family vacation and the holidays) but just talking to him last night reaffirmed that I am in this 100%. We had a good conversation. I'm so completely in love with this man. I know he loves me too. I love that he has "stuck around" as long as he has in my life. He also knows how lucky he is to have me in his.

Ah, relationships though right? Up and downs but continuing to communicate and each wanting to be with and make the other person happy.

There is a date planned for Thursday. I can't wait. I might even dress up. I have been a little ...careless with my appearance lately (er, the last few years) and it's about time I started enjoying some of my nicer clothes again and maybe throw a little bit of make-up on occasionally and get my fucking hair cut again already!

Anyhoo...time to go do that research on Nice...

Onward (oh how that makes me miss the Fabulous...)

New Beginnings

So it's now been almost 2 weeks since the move and I'm settling into my new place...slowly.

The move was tougher than I thought...leaving the animals who while driving me crazy also gave me unconditional love and affection. But now I will just remain content to love them from afar.

Time to just take care of me and me alone.

And there are a lot of ways I need to do that.

I need to stop getting in my own way, especially at work. I may hate parts of my job (keeping track of my damn stats!) but I find it's easier to bear after I've had that one-on-one with my manager and gotten both praise, support and a gentle kick in the ass. I have to stop getting in my own way. And I have to make sure I'm actually there to do that.

So I'm looking at my new living life as a new beginning. Since I've moved in, I haven't called in sick. The next paycheck will be the first one that has the full 80 hours on it. I think I'm inspired by Ryan. We both struggle with getting to work when we're unhappy but he's really come a long way and is getting himself to work and he's doing what needs to get done...in a lot of ways. No excuses, no whining. Just getting it done, whatever it may be.

Last night we spent some quality time together for the first time since I moved in and it turns out we have other things in common that I wasn't aware prior to now.

Yet, he's also the opposite from me in that he actually wants and envisions things for his future. So last night I decided that it was time I started thinking about my future or at least what I want for my life. But it's such a foreign concept.

I've had to focus so hard the last few years on just getting from moment to moment...keeping my head down and one foot in front of the other...in a dark room...wearing a blindfold...that I'm missing out on things. Granted I still need my alone time (I was reminded of that today as I was out and about interacting with the world doing errands) but I need to find the balance with being social and being with good people. Oh this is not a new subject though is it?

I'm taking baby steps though...tonight was about having dinner with the lovebirds and a week from this Saturday I'm making brunch for us. And it's something to look forward to...I guess I haven't had a lot of things to look forward to lately. Fun things. I should find a way to save up for a little trip to ...somewhere, anywhere and get out of my comfort zone.

Moving out of the Fabulous' was certainly a good start to shaking things up wasn't it? I'm torn between wanting to try to put down in words how hard it was to leave that life from the physical to the emotional or just let it be what it was. No need to dwell on the past right? Appreciate it for the gift it was, learn from it and move on.

So here I am...new walls around me. New roof over my head. New garage to park in. And yet I think I need to really actually do something about my....life. No more talking the talk but walking the walk

I've got so many excuses but I'm tired of going around in the same circles. And I need stories to tell. :P

A new beginning

I'm here. Moved and living a new in a new home. I think it's a great stepping-stone to my living alone again.

So here's the thing - whenever I am feeling that, I'm pondering ending my relationship with B, While there is love and amazing sex, the lows are so fucking low. I just want someone to love me and have some time for me. And I am great with only 1 day a week.

I haven't had that with him in about 3 weeks and it's driving me nuts...because now it's gonna be another 2 weeks at least.

He is now off on his "annual vacation" with them. Them. The reason he is not mine.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight about my new life, well, living situation (which actually should influence more activity on the former) and it occurs to me that B hasn't seen this place yet (well, it's not even been a week yet) but maybe this will the place I am when I finally decide to live a B free life.

But I love him so much. That's what usually happens. My love refuses to give up. He's [been] worth it in the end. Will he be this time? We'll see.

OOOOoooooh how appropriate..."Eat. Pray. Love" on instant play on Netflix. How fitting for my frame of mind these days.

So I think I might need to watch that movie again because I was trying to hard to read something into it that would be fitting for me and my life that I missed what might be fitting for me and my life.

Um, er, ahem...

Just another post written in the middle of the night. I'm actually a bit sleepy having just taken a shower. I've discovered I dig taking my shower at night because then I can sleep in just that little bit longer in the "morning".

I know I haven't posted in awhile. You know how it is right? Life just keeps happening and takes over. The wild thing is that I'm so overwhelmed and anxious about certain things that you'd think that writing about them would make me feel better but it's like I've got so much going on in my head and to try to even put it all down in writing is too much. My ordinary, humdrum life is being given a toss and turn. I'm still pissed off about the break-in and that they took my computer. I keep wondering if I'm going to find the house broken into again when I get home from work. I worry about the new computer and have been hiding it. Speaking of the new computer, I am very grateful I was given the opportunity to get it sooner rather than later but indulge me a bit in my whining about how it's not as nice as my other one. It's not as comfortable to "type" on I'm discovering as I write this post tonight, the first significant bit of writing I've done on it. And then there is that it heats up so quickly compared to the other one. Maybe I'll be able to someday afford an "upgrade" to that other one again. Working for Troy is going to only be a good thing for me financially. I've done one project so far and soon will be doing more....

But anyway...here I am. With change on the horizon. With excitement at the next chapter in my life story. But also with a little fear in my gut.

The change? Moving. Moving again. Out of the fabulous' house. In less than a week now. Moving in with Ryan, to rent out his basement. I still think it's wild how I only really intended to be here for a few months...maybe a year. And then that turned into about 2 1/2 years. She gave me a home...but more than that, came to my rescue in a variety of ways more times that I can count or will ever be able to thank her for. It is not lost on me that as a grown woman of 40 that I should not need rescuing but well, we all need help sometimes I guess. Right?

I'm not looking forward to the actual process of moving but then again, as it'll be my brother and Pop helping out once again, along with a co-worker and her truck and the lack of possessions I own I think we'll be done in a couple of hours. At least I hope that's the case as I have to work my usual shift that day!

I think Ryan and I will be good roommates. We're good friends but not joined at the hip and with our opposite schedules, again, it's an ideal set up for a roommate scenario. Plus with my being in the basement we'll each have our own space. And our own bathrooms!

The fear? On Wednesday (coincidentally also B's birthday!) I have to go to court for my accident with no car insurance. Finally. While I'm glad I'll be able to put it behind me, I'm freaking out about whether or not they're going to either take my license or throw me in jail or both! Everyone keeps telling me that it'll be fine but they've never been in my shoes! Various results from my search on "Google" say the same thing -because it is a misdemeanor "The Court can order you to serve up to 90 days of jail time. Other penalties for driving without insurance in Minnesota can be license suspension or revocation of your registration." . It's a first (and fucking last) offense so I'm going to pray neither of those things happen. Yup. I'm really gonna pray on this one. (Don't tell my parent's but I do actually pray sometimes...a lot of times to just give thanks for all the things I am thankful for...I don't think prayer or religion is only for the bad times...OK, not gonna get into all of that right now)

Anyhoo...my brother, the coolest big brother EVER is going to go with me, in fact drive me, just in case. I'm more grateful for the moral support than anything. I'm so glad I don't have to go and do it alone.

One way or another I will just have to deal with the consequences won't I? If I'm not mistaken I believe my new place is on a bus route too so if the worst that happened was the loss of my license then I'd still be able to get back and forth to work ...that would totally fucking suck but it wouldn't be the end of the world would it?

And think of the money I'd save on insurance and gas and repairs/maintenance! But oh how I'd mourn the loss of my freedom.

OK, OK, OK, this is why whenever I start thinking about going to court I get sick to my stomach. Time to think of something else. I will just hope and pray for the best and focus on the positive.

Ah crap, it's now 3am. I should think of calling it a night. OK. I think this will have to be enough for tonight.

G'night.

P.S. Am including a song that will hopefully remind me of another topic I'm going to revisit soon. Enjoy! Oh nevermind. Can't find a good "video" to embed for Colin Hay's "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin". Poo.