What next?

I'm so so tired.

This year has been exhausting so far and it's only the beginning of March.

Right now I'm feeling like I could just implode or maybe I mean if one more thing happens, I just might shatter into a million pieces (oooh, who's feeling dramatic tonight??) too many....changes in a short span of time. Or maybe what I mean is too much excitement at one time is too much?

...my mother is back in the hospital again. She wasn't sleeping and her oxygen levels were dangerously low again. She picked up a cold which gave her a bad cough and this is the 2nd time she's been in the hospital in the last few weeks.

Last time they at least determined that she wouldn't need heart surgery. Thank god.

Tonight I stopped by to see her and while she was chatting with the Nursing Assistant Erin I was flipping through this book of poetry she put together a few years ago. She's really good. (Why she has that with her at the hospital is a question I'm gonna have to ask her.)

And I find myself so worried about her. I found out last night that the mother of one of very favorite singers died back in January and so maybe that's why I've been thinking about this so intensely tonight In regards to my own mother, while there have been times she's been an utter and complete bitch, she's also been the most amazing woman to have as my mother and if I lose her I don't think I could bear that. Tonight on my way home I started to think maybe it's time she lived in an assisted living environment ...wonder if that would even be possible with Pop able to still take care of her. And boy does he take care of her. And I feel like the worst daughter in the world for placing this responsibility squarely on his shoulders. I wonder if I'll be brave enough to have that conversation with him, with her...with them. Or is it really not that bad?

Anyway, I'm all fucking talk and no action and it's time I stepped up to the fucking plate.

Since things have ended with B, my mother has become my biggest cheerleader. Oh she was already a fan and thinks I'm brilliant and wonderful...but now it's like she's being the one that helps me feel like I'm a worthy person. Oh sure, I know I'm supposed to feel that all on my own...not get validation from anyone else but myself but there is something quite wonderful about having people in your life that are supportive, positive and think you're A OK.

And don't even get me started about the other woman in my family who is fucking amazing. My wise, insightful, talented, loving aunt Sally who has her own health issues and says she could literally could drop dead any day now. She's asked me to be the one who would make sure she would have a funeral service in a church. (WTF???? She better not die before I do!!!!) How can I say no when I'm really all she has? Her husband and son wouldn't do the church thing. She says Joel would probably just have her cremated and that's it. My mother is not up for this and Pop has enough on his plate with taking care of mom. Plus they wouldn't have anything to do with any churches that weren't their own. Her other siblings...my aunt Mindy up in Canada wouldn't probably go down to FL. And my uncle Steven is ...worthless...estranged from the family...well my mother anyway, in that he's never taken responsibility for his fucked up actions that messed my mother up ---oh sure, he's apologized but that's a long way from accepting responsibility for the terrible things you've done...isn't it? And Jason ...well, he also probably wouldn't have anything to do with a church.

And so somehow I would have to find depths of strength to do something unselfish while my heart was breaking and the unbearable loss was crushing me.

Fuck.

I would give anything to have the only things I needed to worry about had nothing to do with aging family and their poor health that could kill them way before it should.

And god, how much do I miss B. Being able to just talk to him and feel his love and support even if we couldn't be together. I've lately thought why can't I just have him in my life? We could just talk on the phone....be only friends. No boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Just dear old friends who are going to always be friends.

I'm so tied up and twisted with him that it probably isn't a good idea right now as much as it sounds like a lovely idea...in theory.

This year is all about me. Taking care of me...in a variety of ways. Seeing the things my mom and aunt are going through is quite the impetus to change and looking at the direction of my life...try to make choices that will ease some of the heartbreak and ensure me a minimum amount of physical discomfort. (...Uh, that makes sense right?)

It only took me until 2012 to do at least some of the things on THAT list of things to do this year over there (or down over there) -------------------------------------------------------------------- >
has finally been taken care of.

Eye exam & new glasses? Check. (Awesome new frames and Rx sunglasses too!)

Dentist appointment? Check. (Boo. Lower wisdom teeth should prob. come out and I've got cavities. :( )

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After mom's last hospital stay and after she got home, I headed out to CA for a few days to visit Scotty. He's got the cutest apartment. It did me such a world of good to get away. To get out of town. To get my drink on, To escape from this life of mine for just a little bit. Scotty is a dear, generous, fun, loving soul. It made me really really happy to hear that he missed me and would love to have more frequent visits....(I swear to god that's what I got from our 3 a.m. conversation the first night I was there.) He seems to be happy even though I sense a little loneliness ...(or am I wrong???)

It was wonderful to spend time with a single person.

Much as I love R & K, being around them has been tough. I'm very very happy they've found each other but I don't want to be the third musketeer anymore.

So I'm going to be getting my own place and will move end of April/beginning of May. I'm ready for this next chapter of my life where I build my own nest again. While it would be smarter to buy, I don't think that is quite the right thing for me. Or is it? Maybe I should talk to Ruby again....(co-worker who also is real estate agent on the side.)

I'm pondering 3 choices. An amenities galore apartment downtown St. Paul, on the busline, with an indoor pool. But I'd have to get rid of the car (the insurance is killing me financially); a loft downtown St. Paul, a block away from the street where I'd pick up the one bus to work...living in a loft has been a dream of mine for a while...or a cute, quirky, charming, tiny 1 bedroom apartment in a 4-plex that has a 3-season porch that I can already see decorated with those tiny little tree lights -right on the busline as well ...the only con being that the laundry is in the basement...2 narrow flights of stairs down (had those as my last place and hated it.)

Either way, while it might be a bit lonely at times, I need to have my very own space. R did me a solid by letting me rent from him and move on from the home of the fabulous but it's time to start really living my life for me.

(Then again, I could change my mind yet again. There are advantages to literally paying your rent every two weeks.)

I might be able to keep the car if I go with the last option ....but when I think about living where there is a pool, I envision going swimming when I'm feeling sad and lonely. Or maybe I'd be motivated to use it frequently...swim laps and get my ass into better shape.

But maybe let's not go there tonight....my health. OK, so maybe I'll at least mention that I'm currently going to physical therapy once a week and doing some exercises to strengthen my "core" to help with the lower back pain....but that doesn't help my knees or the tendonitis/bursitis I've got in my right arm.

Anyhoo....did I mention I'm exhausted? The dentist appointment was at 8 a.m. this morning and you know how much I just LOVE getting up early...and since as usual I didn't go to bed early, I only had about 5 hours of sleep.

And it was a really really long week ...feeling beaten up by colleagues who keep trying to get me to not be so...nice. ("it's unfair to give that expectation to the customers because they won't get it from the others" ...WTF???) While I'm diggin' the fact that I've hung in over 4 1/2 years now and have earned 2 weeks of paid vacation, would it be to my benefit to look for a better fitting ...sales? job where my style of customer service is applauded not mocked or appreciated? Probably.

*Sigh*

What I do finally know (again?) is that I really really like group sales. I liked it before when I was doing a bit of it at the Opera and I like being in sales where there are repeat customers. I like putting it all together.

It's a relief to at least feel like that is one area of my life where I'm confident.

Hmmm. Do I feel like saying anything else right now?

Not so much. One raspberry woodchuck cider and I'm good and relaxed and sad and tired. I feel like calling my mother just to tell her I love her and goodnight. But can I do it without crying? (Haven't I cried enough tonight? (had a bit of a cry when writing about her in this post.)) I got a hold of her and nope. Couldn't do it. Said I just wanted to call and tell you again I love you and then I lost it. I let her go and now here come some fucking tears again. Geez, she's gonna be fine. She HAS to be fine. The alternative is unacceptable.

How can a person be a mess and have their shit together all at the same time? Welcome to my life.