Here's the thing...things change. People change. Life is change.
It's a brand new year and already it's been filled with more excitement than I can stand.
I haven't seen B since last year. He's not even trying. And I'm almost not caring as much as I once did. How much longer can I live with the limited amount of love he can give?
So this is my life without him. I'm being reminded of that. It's not a bad place but it's also not a place full of light and love.
Isn't it enough that he loves me as I am? Shouldn't I just be happy that somebody loves me?
*Sigh*
This is THE year I will do those things on my to-do list. Go to the dentist. To the eye doctor. To physical therapy. It's about time I maybe just took some steps toward taking care of me...again.
I will be driving myself to those appointments in a different car.
The day I dreaded finally came...Suzette gave all she could but then couldn't give any more.
The one hand took away but the other gave back in that R was willing to gives me rides back and forth to work (I won't even whine about having to get up so bloody early to make that work :P)
The shit that happens to me is bearable because I have great people in my life who help me through it. I get reminded that I am very fortunate even when it seems like I'm not.
I'm taking a leap and have bought another car...from craigslist.com, without a mechanic checking it out first. Her name is Stella. She's a 2000 Chevy Lumina.
I am so sad about Suzette though. She was such a good car. She took a lot and kept going. I hope Stella shows me even half of the goodness Suzette did.
I know it seems silly to have become so emotional about a car, but here's the thing. The worst enemy of a poor person who is lucky enough to own a vehicle is the day when she needs repairs that are more than you can afford.
Owning a car is not really for the ...poor. I probably shouldn't own a car right now. I should just move and give up on having a car for awhile but I'm choosing to have the freedom and independence a car brings even if it costs too much.
R was able to get me a small personal loan to help out with paying for it. And the payments are affordable, do-able, if I just keep my financial priorities straight.
Well.
I guess those are just some thoughts for now. Maybe 2012 will also be the year where I get back into writing. I was just telling someone recently that my dream job would be to be a columnist. Be "Carrie Bradshaw". And there is really nothing preventing me from pursuing that dream...except the lack of motivation to actually do any kind of work at it, for it. :P
*Sigh*
Time to go put some warm jammies on and settle down for the night.
Later.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them