A Walk Through the Past and a Look at My Future

So I've found my new home. Well, that is if I get approved. I'm a wee bit nervous about that as my "finances" are less than perfect.

So here I was all ready to settle on the beautiful, fancy new interior/old exterior building of the Historic MN Building because I would get a 1 bedroom w/the washer and dryer and a dishwasher for less than $800 (eeeeeeek!) but then I went ahead and went downtown St. Paul (to the Lowertown "part" of downtown) yesterday to check out what I thought would be a loft. Well, it wasn't a loft, though it does have the extremely high ceilings so you kind of feel like you're in a loft. It's a building called The Parkside. (I found some old reviews that are of the negative sort but I am going to hope things are better now.)

...it's a studio ...and over $800... : /

When I walked in, I was instantly smitten with the hallway that led to the bathroom and has the closet because the wall was painted red! A deep beautiful red.

Then you keep going and there is a real kitchen, fairly good-sized with a pass through and breakfast bar. The washer/dryer are tucked into a closet at the back of it.

Then you go further and then you are in the main living space and the first thing you notice is the huge arched window with a ledge that takes up almost the entire wall. Already with blinds. And with a view of Mears Park (well you have to lean forward a bit) ...in the summer, I can open the window and here any music in the park, in the winter I will see the tree lights.

The guy living there now was doing the place a disservice by having this wooden structure built up and out and a massive bed. But I can just imagine my stuff working well in it. The MN building while lovely, felt ...cold and my stuff would not fit it. I would want to spend money I won't have on buying stuff to fit in, while this place, is kind of shabby chic and that's me. And my favorite possessions fit in well with shabby chic.

It felt like the kind of place that was ...me. A little old and worn but with potential. Lots of potential and charm. :D

I can't wait to see it empty and clean and freshly painted (they will freshen up the red since I want to keep that and paint another wall for free -that color tbd) and just waiting for me.

Damn, if I don't get it, I am going to be so bummed.

Last night I was online for hours looking up decorating tips for studios. Looking at furniture on craigslist.org. I've latched onto the idea of my main piece of furniture for sitting in the living area being a chaise lounge. We'll see. My parent's have some furniture they're going to give me.

I won't be moving until early May and these next 2 months will be about going through my possessions, yet again, so I have less to move...in a way, I want to start fresh. In a way I will be.

I think it's significant that this fresh start would have a zip code that is 55101. I went from 55402 to 55102 to 55412 to 55422 ...and while most of those years have been the best yet and I've been steadily climbing out of the pit I had fallen into, I like the idea of starting the next chaper of my life -the early 40's -with a 55101. Eh, maybe that sounds a little ...woo-woo? but there you have it.

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

Anyhoo...so the walk through my past began with one of the boxes I've been carting around for at least a decade (if not longer) ...I went through a couple batches of letters and cards. I made the decision to toss letters from that guy Erik I was corresponding with when I was in High School. While I liked him, I've never considered him to be one of the loves of my life. I also got rid of letters from this guy Jason who was a friend. A nice guy but not a romantic prospect. Just another guy who was a friend (*sigh* I've had a lot of those over the years.)

I'm keeping the...wild (seriously!) letters Addison wrote me when I was contemplating having a relationship with him -including letters sent after I decided that I didn't want to be with him after all. In all fairness, it really wasn't him, it was me. It was during an "off" time w/B yet my heart still belonged to him. (Who are we kidding, it's belonged to B since the first time we "went all the way".) I didn't want to be with somebody for the sake of being with someone. (And thus a quirkyalone was born!)

I'm keeping 1 of the 2 letters from Byron. (The one I am not keeping is a letter he wrote after I wrote him where he tells me he didn't read my letter and I needed to move on with my life as he was with his. The one I'm keeping was written about 3 years after he wrote that other letter. (So I must have written him again, refusing to accept never being in contact with him) what was THAT all about???) I'm keeping the 3 notes from Jens, which includes his note back to me after I finally screwed up the courage to tell him I liked him. (Then again, I don't remember a time in my life where I wasn't making the first move!)

I'm keeping letters from Grandpa, even though I can't bear to read them right now, even though he's been gone for a few years now. I'm keeping letters from my parent's and my aunt Sally. I'm keeping birthday cards from Diane and Scotty.

I'm not keeping anything from Erich. *sigh* Erich. A huge part of my life for a long time. But I think it's best we leave that chapter alone for now. Will I regret not keeping the birthday cards and letters he gave me over the years? Maybe. But this is all about embracing my future and letting go of some of the past.

I was looking at old photos. Came across ones taken when I was in High School, when we lived on Magnolia St. God, that seems like a million lifetimes ago.

I'm going to get rid of (try to sell) the albums and 45's I have because I have no turntable and maybe someone else would appreciate them. I'm going to go through my cassette tapes and anything I already have on CD or have downloaded over the years, will be donated to somewhere (there has GOT to be somewhere I can donate them too...I couldn't bear to throw them away...could I?)

It's disconcerting to look at all of this stuff, old photos and such. Thinking about being back in those moments and having it seem like it's all just a series of dreams I had.

I'm reminded of places I've been -New York and London. I'm reminded of people who I've known who I don't know anymore.

I'm reminded why I'm such a homebody now. I worked a lot, I went out a lot, I saw a lot, I felt a lot. Now it's about enjoying the simpler things in life. But yet how excited am I about being in Lowertown? I get to feel like I've moved to a completely new place that begs to be explored and explore I will!

So I will have to focus and keep getting to work. I will have to keep maintaining the peace I've found with myself and how I live my life. I have it in me to succeed and get what I want out of life and not fuck it up. I need to not be afraid to venture out on my own again (I'm still haunted by the failure in losing my job with CUNA & not being able to stay in the apartment at Grant St. Commons.)

How fortunate I am that I've had a few years now to get back on my feet in a few different ways. I will always be grateful to the fabulous and to Ryan for ...taking me in and being as flexible and patient with me as they were/are.