Messed up and/or TMI

Sometimes I want to walk away from my family...no, scratch that, my mother for good.

I got a call at 7am this morning. Waking me up out of the deep sleep I had finally fallen into. It was my Pop. Responding to an impulsive message I left the other day, asking if we were going to be getting together Thursday. He said he left me 2 messages (that I never got so either he's calling the prepaid number or my voice mail isn't recording all of my messages or ?) and was calling so bloody early 'cause he knew he'd get a hold of me (little did he know I usually have the phone on silent so I DON'T get these fucking early calls that wake me up) ...anyway, "yeah, sure, come on over but I'm NOT cooking a turkey!" "OK, that's fine" (and it really is) Is it strange that I have no craving for the usual turkey day fare this year?

But I'm dreading going over there because if my mother starts in on me about car stuff, I'm going to have to leave or lose my temper.

Why is it that I'm not allowed to not be human? Why did the car stuff have to be such a big deal? I was taking care of everything that happened...maybe not in the timeliest of fashions but I wasn't about to dump the responsibility in her lap for my mistakes. It's like there was no trust that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her [on account of my actions.]

And then there is the refusal to talk to my aunt. I don't want to get in the middle of it but I can't help it. To make a long story short, my parents have grown weary of their advice NOT being taken...but I'd like to see them uproot their entire lives with a million and one health issues and no support (well outside of "rah-rah, you can do it" support from thousands of miles away)...I mean seriously...unless they tell me they have offered to fly down, pack her up and bring her up here, I'm not buying it.

Yeah, I know my mom is getting old and her disability is affecting her more and more as she ages...I didn't know about the arthritis (per my aunt) but that's no reason to give up and throw in the towel. Yeah, aging sucks but what is the alternative?

And shall we get into that my aunt said some very disturbing things in an email that I read today. About my grandpa. That he was an abuser too. I just can't believe that. It has to just be the ramblings of a fucked up woman (and I mean that with love...) ...

Nope, I'm going to choose to remember the good and that he was the greatest grandpa and that he loved me unconditionally all of my life and never did anything to cause me pain (other than dying!)

Man, my mother's family is so fucked up. Despite the years passing and supposed forgiveness ..it is just messed up. This family of my mothers will never all be together in the same room again...unless its for another funeral...and even then, I wonder....

I'm supposed to go over there on Thursday...oh, I mentioned that already. I'm just nervous I guess. Who knows how I'm going to find my mother. From what Pop and the aunt say, not so great. Between my own guilt (but I shouldn't have to feel guilty/guilty anymore..the car is mine! Just got the actual title yesterday in fact!) and her moods...

AND then between the melodrama of the stuff with my aunt and my mothers self-absorption with her health and my inability to handle the realities of her aging and deteriorating health, I avoid her and that makes me feel like I'm a terrible daughter.

I know it isn't easy but you either suck it up or die right? (No dying allowed!)

I get it though. She was such a vital woman! Even after she became disabled she didn't let it stop her from living life as fully as almost anyone else. My mother...the artist, the writer, the singer...frankly, for a long time I was mad at her for being all these things that I could never be and living in her shadow.

She's lived an exciting life and it's not over yet so why is she acting like it is?

Argh! Enough. It's after 4am and I need to crash.

Lost my temper with a caller today and think it because I was extra tired and cranky. My own fault for staying up so late playing these FB games!

Hey, did YOU know it's not my job to defend my employer? I don't make the rules. I just have to listen to people bitch about them, that's all! That's my favorite thing that came out of my [actually good] meeting with my manager the other day. I'm harder on myself than anybody (well duh!)

Before I forget to mention it, I had a halfway decent weekend. Date w/B Thursday night and dinner & catching up w/Shanna on Friday (Muffeletta's in St. Paul. We gave 6/7 on a scale of 10) I just wish the weekends didn't go by so fast...

onward.