Are you reading her blog too?

So one of the blogs ("Sum of Me") I follow is by this chick named Beth and it fucking just rocks. She's honest, funny, insightful and I relate to her words more often than not. I've copied from her before and now I officially have permission to copy/paste things from one of her latest posts that took the thoughts and words right out of my mouth on the topic of, well, you'll see. It cuts right to the heart of what I didn't know I was feeling until I read it ...so I knew I had to share it here... So without further ado...(and only slightly edited because most of what she writes is exactly what I am feeling/thinking and anything in bold is in bold because of me)

"My problem, I've realized - I mean in life...my problem is that I just don't seem to be all that excited about much of anything anymore. That's not really the word, excited. Or passionate or enthusiastic or interested, though it all feeds into those things. It's just that I'm not committed to much of anything, and I don't want to be. I could be. It's a mental trick, deciding to really throw yourself into something. And I could do it, but I don't. I think my job - a few jobs back, the one I mostly loved except for the bad management...That one. That whole episode did something to me that I thought would get fixed in time, in the right situation. But it won't get fixed. At least not by itself. [OMG - does this describe the whole opera thing or what????!!!!!! You don't think so? Keep reading]

I worked really, really hard at that job. And I loved it. Even when I hated it, I loved it. It sucked my life and energy away, and the problem was that it didn't give much of anything back to me. ...You throw yourself into it, you do the best job you can - a job that everyone tells you is really, truly, better work than they ever expected. You outdo yourself. You amaze yourself, that you could do so much and so well. The most boring and minute detail, you could make interesting to yourself. No task too small, etc etc.

And you don't get shit for it. I mean, I know it's supposed to be its own reward and everything. And it is, in a ton of ways. But I worked and worked and waited for my reward. And it never came. It comes for other people. People you know are not nearly as talented, as smart, as good at what they do. You learn the race isn't always to the swift. Good work isn't always rewarded. No one much gives a shit about your potential. It's growing up, is all, when you really finally learn that to the point of certainty. Just because I cared about a thing so much that it invaded my dreams and ate up nearly every brain cell I had, that didn't mean it'd give me any tangible results. Nothing like getting the stars casually wiped right out of your eyes.

So I just turned it off, that drive. Fuck it, I'll just do a decent job, not kill myself. Just give me my paycheck and call it a day. I don't need more than that, I figured. And now I miss the intangibles, that feeling of doing something, anything, that I really, truly care about. The satisfaction of doing it so well that everyone marvels and I'm delighted. I miss it, but I turned it off and can't seem to turn it back on again. I guess I'm just scared. Or tired. And entirely certain that it will always lead to disappointment, so why put bother putting myself in a position I know will lead to all kinds of dashed hopes.

Mostly it's that I'm chickenshit. I know that.

I don't know why I'm blathering about it. It pertains to my situation at work just now, I guess - I could do the job so much better if I could make myself care....I just don't care that much about anything. And I wondered to myself why and here's the answer, comes blurting out when I sit down to blog. As usual."

>>>>>>>>>>

Fuckin' A. She hit the nail on the head.

Now all of this is not to say that I don't like my life (and I know I'm pretty damn lucky in a lot of ways) but I sure am playing it safe too. What is that getting me? While safety and security are fine, what about becoming invested in something else again? But what?

Well, I'm just gonna have to do some serious thinkin' on it aren't I? See if it lights a fire under me...

Then again, doing this blog is my new passion but is it enough?