Truth Hurts (or Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before)

So Ryan was honest enough to post a comment after my last post and with good reason...he had a point to make and make it he did. My preferring "Moonlighting" to spending time with friends...ouch. I don't think any less of him for saying that. I know he's saying it with love. There does feel like something is wrong in that I'm preferring fiction to reality.

Brings to mind one of my favorites songs from John Mayer and these are the lyrics (couldn't find a youtube performance of it that was decent enough for what I wanted here so lyrics will have to do...):

Great Indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors

Lamplight makes the shadows play
And posters take the walls away
The T.V. is your window pane
The view won't let you down
So put your faith in a late night show
I bet you didn't even know
Depends on how far out you go
The channel numbers change

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors

Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room had room for two

So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Leave the great indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days of idle days

So I wrote R a message over at Facebook and was able to put into a few words what is going on with me right now...

"...don't know why i'm feeling more anti-social than usual lately. am more stressed about work than usual and guess just really needing lots of downtime when not at work.."

I have had absolutely zero desire to put the "Sam-is-happy" face on outside of work. The frustrating thing is that I'm not unhappy, just....blah. The thing with work is that I had a phone call review with my manager the other day and while good points are made (a call to book tickets that should have only taken 5-10 minutes lasted over 30 minutes) it felt like I was being attacked for being me. It's taken me so fucking long to be more comfortable with me and I've been feeling so damn grateful I've got a job that lets me be me...however, apparently that's not enough. Oh they don't want me to stop being me with the warmth, personality, etc. that I bring to the calls but they want me to rein it in and I don't know how to do that and still do my job well. I've found myself rushing through the phone calls and biting my tongue. I keep telling myself it's the balancing act and I just need to find the right balance...to have those calls I can just brush off like an annoying fly and those where it's OK to pour my heart and soul into them.

So hanging over my head every day I'm at work is this stress about bringing my talk time down and of course the constant fear of being late or missing a day of work and losing my job...let's not even talk about the anxieties over whether or not we're going to end up with a union or not. I want the union because I've now experienced the benefits of having one. I've lost jobs in the past due to the whims of management or other stupid fucked up reasons...granted, yes, I've made mistakes and choices that led to my demise but maybe, just maybe, if I'd been given chances or there had been more steps in place for coaching and correcting mistakes maybe I wouldn't have such a fucked up work history record. (Not that it's that terrible but it's sure not as nice as I'd like it to be.)

I'm not proud, well yes I am of course, that this is the first full-time job I've held for more than 2 years in a long long time.

So I go, and put on the happy face and leave my personal troubles behind and don't bring them into work.

When I'm home or having days off, occasionally I can break out of my self-imposed shell and have some fun but lately I've just not wanted to. It takes too much energy.

So Ryan texted me about getting my message and maybe getting together tonight and despite my reluctance to leave the comfort of my nest, I agreed (with the hope that we just have a really low-key night...) now he's saying he might need a raincheck because he's not feeling well and while I don't want him sick, all I can feel is relief that I might get to keep my night to myself after all. I feel terrible about that but hey, love me as I am or don't love me at all right?

(Sadly, that is part of being my friend...I may not always see or talk to you but it sure doesn't mean I don't love you or value your friendship. I really am here for you whenever you need me even if it doesn't seem like it.)

Maybe all of this doesn't have to be anymore than what it is...just a current bout of blah but I just can't shake the feeling like there has got to be more to life than this. Summer is closer to ending and the days just seem to be flying by ...don't they? Life is just whizzing on by and I'm watching it from the sidelines with little desire to jump in. It's enough that I can get up and get to work. It's enough that I'm paying the necessary-to-live bills and keep myself in groceries & smokes. It's enough that my car keeps running. It's enough that I see B when he can see me because I am just so deeply in love with him that I'll take what I can get. (Though further proof of the blah...last week our attempt to get together failed 3x's and instead of getting all bent out shape about it, I was really was like "whatever" ...or is it that I'm just so secure in his love for me??? OK, some of this I know I'm repeating from a recent post..sorry about that...it's just such a surprise that I'm not pissing and moaning about our aborted get-togethers...)

What the fuck is my problem? Why aren't I doing more, being more, getting more, wanting more? Is that little voice in my head of my mother telling me I'm lazy speaking up again? I thought I shut that up ages ago.

One of the blogs I read has a post that really spoke me to me today...(I hope the author doesn't mind my copying parts of it...she doesn't do comments...FYI - I love reading her blog...it's one of my favorites...this chick is honest and I really dig her) ...

"...So I've been saying, sometimes, about this very dedicated effort of mine lately, to focus on the positive. When I was a teenager, it felt just like this. I'd detach myself from the crappy things. Big heavy wet things, weighing me down, that could easily pull me into a current of depression. But it didn't. I was so very very good at scraping it off and carrying on, don't mind the swamp thing grasping at my heels...

...Now I've lived both ways: slowing down and taking stock of the detailed good and bad of life as it happens; and hopping from happy lily-pad to happy lily-pad while keeping the painful stuff shoved forcefully in the quiet periphery.

Which one is better? I don't know. I feel more like me, like this. Life is infinitely more bearable when lived in denial. But it also feels like a lie. A happy lie, but still a lie. Is that bad? Which life would be regretted on a deathbed? There's really no way to know..."

I just work so hard on focusing on the positive and when thoughts that only bring me down try to surface I just squash them down and go distract myself with some TV-watching or reading.

Oh, there I go just being all melodramatic again though don't I? But I'm so bogged down in all of this right now. A night with a dear friend would do me good wouldn't it? To get out of my own head. So if he texts me that he's feeling up for the get together, I'll go dammit!