Into the blue and out of it

I was getting sleepy and thinking about callin' it a day but then decided to check my email one more time before shutting down the computer.

WHAM! O M G! A message from Facebook saying that "XXX added you as a friend on Facebook..." a person that I didn't think I would ever hear from again, talk to again...a person who I've thought about on and off over the years.

Sit back and let me tell you story...

Once upon a time there was a young woman who was working at an arts organization here in the twin cities and she developed a mad crush on her supervisor...let's just call him X. He was very intelligent, sensitive, intellectual, funny and cute. She would write anonymous little notes in his ticket account and flirt, not caring that he was quite a few years older than her. There was reciprocal flirting that went on for quite awhile but that was it. When he gave notice, it bummed her out. At a going away party for him, some beer was consumed and a mini back massage was given to him by her.

They remained in touch because she ended up babysitting for him a couple of times (he was divorced). There was still a bit of flirting but it was just that.

Then one day he calls her and asks her to lunch. It's no big deal she thinks, even though she is a bit nervous because they hadn't really talked much outside of working together and talking about the kids.

At lunch he tells her that he's been thinking about her, that he wants her to move in with him. That he would treat her well. That he would respect her. That he would never hit her. (Whoa! Yeah, had almost forgotten about that last bit there...how could I forget that he said that?)

Call her fucking surprised and shocked. Intrigued, excited, confused, scared, bewildered, completely stunned...

It intrigued her because she had been beginning to wonder if she would ever find love, real love, not just more casual fucking around (she had deluded herself into thinking that sharing her body meant the man would fall in love with her)...

She hemmed and hawed a bit and then came to the conclusion (duh!) that they hadn't even had a date! They needed to have a date (or two. She thought she would know right away from a couple of dates if it was going to happen, meant to be. Oh, how naive she was!)

(Note: These are my best recollections of events and I'm not sure if I'll have them in the correct order or exactly right but I think you'll get the general idea)

So there was the date, or two. They were fine but it all just felt so strange. What are you supposed to feel when what you want is suddenly something you can have but then you're not so sure you want it after all?

One day they even watched "The Accidental Tourist" together because she wanted him to not only watch one of her favorite movies but get from it her favorite part which is where William Hurt's character realizes he wants to be with Geena Davis because of who he is when he's with her. She really wanted that for herself. To be with someone who she could be herself with and like the person she was when with him.

But in the end, she ultimately decided not to move in with him, or continue dating him because she knew it was wrong to be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right (yup, now a nod to another favorite movie "Some Kind of Wonderful"). (And yet she continued to wonder what it might be like, for a change, to be the person in a relationship who was loved more than she loved back? ("if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with")

A little bit of time passes and they manage to keep in touch. At one point they hang out, there is wine and then there is sex (there was a LOT of wine) and then more indecision. She had the sex with him but wasn't sure if she wanted anything more from him. She struggled with the fact that she just didn't feel that way about him, even though she wished she did.

Around this time she also begins her soon to be long on-again/off-again relationship with B (yup, the same B that is my love now) and X becomes angry at her (letters were written) for choosing to be with this person who didn't treat her as well as he should have (B drove me to nickname him schmuck back then. He's not been that same man this time around) so one day she asks X why her? and doesn't get the answer she wants (she wanted to hear she was beautiful and sexy) so that, along with the fact that X doesn't seem to really get her or know her...it ends. That chapter of her life closes and she doesn't talk to or see X again.

Years pass and she wonders if she threw away her one chance at love and a real relationship. X was the only man to ask her to live with him (so far?) but it would have been based on/in fantasy not reality.

More years pass and she hears from a mutual acquaintance that X had been in a relationship but it had ended and she secretly is happy to hear about that. Maybe he is still carrying a bit of a torch for her? Does she get to be the "one who got away"?

And now today, he has found her on of all things, Facebook. Truly bringing people together isn't it?

She sees he says he lives with his love and she experiences a twinge of regret. She is happy for him though. He deserves love. It's only pure selfishness on her part that has had her wondering over the years if she really didn't lose out on a chance at great love and maybe even marriage.

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Don't get me wrong, there is love with B but we all know it's not the kind of love I thought I would have. Not the kind I dreamed about as I read those romance novels. But it is what it is.

I sent X a message and I'll be curious to see if he replies back and what he has to say. Am I going to be able to hear about his love? Yes. It's childish and utterly ridiculous for me to want him to have been pining away for me all these years.

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OK, now maybe I'll be able to fall asleep...now my "Sunday" and will hopefully do more than mope around the house feeling...blah. Was able to break up the blahs a bit though by catching up on the latest ep's of "Weeds" and "The Closer" followed by the first 2 ep's of the new season of "Torchwood: Children of Earth" (They've been airing in the U.K. this week and due to start airing on BBC America in a couple of weeks but I'm getting to see them now courtesy of the internet..Woo hoo!)

I joke on the phone about giving my all (my charm and wit...so they tell me) to my customers and then coming home and not talking to anyone but that's actually the truth most of the time. Sometimes it's a real effort to force myself into being sociable. (Having money for going out & having fun helps A LOT) Today was another not talk to anyone day/day off (except for brief chat w/B about meeting up tomorrow night) and I can't decide if I'm sad & disappointed about that or relieved.

I'm thankful I've got friends who tolerate my moodiness and hermit tendencies.

Nighty night.