Urgh, 1am and trying not to think about bad things...such as: (and of course putting it all out there defeats the purpose of not thinking about them but must vent)
1. Gunshots fired in neighborhood tonight as I sat out on back deck having a cig after I got home from work. Yup, they were gunshots and not fireworks. Cops still in the neighborhood checking things out. This not the first time either. Let's just hope no stray bullets find a way into the house and it's curtains for Sam (though that would sure solve a lot of problems...keep reading (Kidding. Really, I am!)
2. Realized too late that 35W North was closed on the way home ..though luckily able to get a hold of J.C. because the detour was not very clear and feared getting lost in the bowels of South Minneapolis near the airport. He's more familiar with Mpls. like my brother, having also driven truck for awhile. In talking w/him as I drove, found out he's still not working. He's so discouraged that joked if roommate didn't have guns locked up and he didn't have his kids...well, we know was he sayin'. How on earth are people surviving these days w/out work????
3. Email from cuz, A and he's still not working either. Was forced to move back in w/his parents up in Floodwood...and while that's not end of the world, what is, is that he can't live there unless he goes to meetings (his parent's are JW's). That's fucking blackmail and I really shouldn't be surprised to hear that. He's a grown-up but forced to do what they want or else. Fucking typical JW bullshit. Don't get me wrong, yeah, it's their house but there has got be some reciprocal respect. If he lives a responsible, respectable life why shouldn't he able to just live it as he likes? I'm soooo tempted to send my uncle a nice little email....
4. I have a pain in my neck, literally, from sleeping on it wrong the other night and nothing I do seems to help (can't afford chiropractor right now ...really can't)
5. I'm taking more drugs than usual because a. I want to have a period since it's been 8-9 months since I've had a good one and b. I'm tired of having a fucked up toenail. So now I've got extra hormones and more headaches than normal. Do I want a period and nice toenails that bad? Yeah...
6. Had conversation w/B the other night. Changing his situation would have serious financial and custodial repercussions. Initial reaction was "Fuck-I guess you don't love me enough" but now is acceptance because I get it. I definitely get the latter point. I would not want to get between a father and his daughter in any way shape or form. I've been informed that MN is a no-fault state but it doesn't guarantee the father doesn't get screwed over (uh, for the record, let's not talk about what affect the current status might have if things no longer remain the way they are and certain parties were in the know)...(and we're really not gonna talk about why it is that I can't be without him & find someone new)
7. Work is work, but am living with constant fear that if we don't vote union, at some point I'm gonna be out on my ass. While I'm really good at my job, that's not enough to save it for me and the union has protected it so far. I'm living on the edge and the FMLA I finally recently applied for was denied because my Dr. didn't turn the paperwork in on time (I can only assume that's why since I'm playing phone tag with them. My manager told me tonight that she got an email saying it was denied and we're thinking that's why...faxed 1 fucking day too late). I guess I didn't choose wisely in having my regular Dr. do the paperwork 'cause even though he's the one writing out my Rx for "happy pills" he's not the Dr. I saw when going through the worst of my "dark days". I only wanted the FMLA in case I had another episode that would overtake and consume me. I cannot lose this job. If it ends, it needs to be because I say so. I've lost a lot of jobs over the years and most of the time it wasn't my choice. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't working/employed. I don't think I would survive it. Having a job gives structure and some meaning to my life, even if it drives me batty some days.
I just feel so goddamn helpless when it comes to the unemployment situation for my family & friends. What can I do? Can I do anything? I know in regards to my own job, I just need to keep on keepin' on and get my ass to work, on time, every single day I'm scheduled to work. I can do it. Even if it means throwing some clothes on, hair in a ponytail and I'm out the door. Fuck the shower.
I know it's not all bad. I know I have to just keep focusing on the positive and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's all I can do.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them