Why? Why not!

Ahhhh. So I'm home from work, showered and just settling down for the evening. I know I mentioned that I'd write more about last night but I don't want to over share (besides, there was drinking going on and I couldn't repeat every word that was said...) Suffice it to say I am just happy I met another interesting, fun, cool woman that I hope does become a new friend. There was so much laughter and pleasure in the simpleness of just being with a couple of people. (Though initially my reaction to finding out R had company already (before I invited myself over...thanks again R!) was slight ...panic? ...over the thought of meeting a new person and I really had to resist the urge to go home to stew in my own I'm-such-an-idiot-because-once-again-here-is-a-chance-to-have-fun-and-meet-new-people-but-you-blew-it-stupid-stupid-stupid moment) I really need to relish those moments of connecting with other human beings...

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I was going through my email inbox, cleaning it out and one of the emails I've just looked at is one of the weekly newsletters I get from the band Keane. (Have I ever told you how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE Keane ..while yet not being the kind of fan that looks at their website every day or goes to every concert) They posted a clip of them being interviewed and performing a couple of songs at a radio station in Boston. While I was watching the lead singer, Tom, sing, the thought popped into my head, that watching this man be confident was just the spark I needed to inspire me to write about that topic I mentioned a couple of posts ago - woman's self/body image, or namely mine.

How the one thought led to the other came from thinking that it seems like men have it so much easier. They don't stand around moaning about their thighs or bellies. They don't wish they had curly hair when they have straight and vice versa. They strut and stand up with their heads held high and just live with no apologies.

(BTW, I'm going to be speaking mostly in general terms...I know there are usually exceptions to everything and anything.)

It just makes me sad when I hear women being so critical of themselves. This post will be me venting (and I needed a good, deep, meaningful subject to post about! :) )

It has taken me YEARS to become comfortable in my own skin. To appreciate my curves and all the things about me that are good. It's taken a lot of reading of books on self-love and body acceptance coupled with the shift in my mindset and some therapy. It didn't happen overnight but I'm there (mostly.). I also got more help with it by being with a man who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy at this size. It gave me the extra boost I needed to...own this body and have it not be something that was apart from me mentally (if that makes any sense.)

I'm by no means a full-convert yet though, because I will admit that the image I have of myself in my head is of me at the size I was when I was just out of high school ...around a size 16. I can't shake that image loose, even when I catch myself in the mirror or see myself in pictures where I see the truth, that I am sooooo no longer that size. And yes, I do sometimes long to really be that size again. I won't lie...I've made the lists of the benefits of losing weight and how my life would be better. I've considered surgery. But I'm still me inside this body. But something just had to give because it was so tiring constantly fighting with myself about dieting and losing the weight. I made a choice and finally said no more. My focus is on making better choices of what I eat, but I don't deny myself anything.

A huge (pun intended :) ) a-ha (great band!) moment happened when the simplest truth finally became clear to me in that I am still a person that was created and I deserve to be just like everyone else. That it took me until my 30's to understand this basic fact of life just blows my mind.

When I think about how beautiful women (and men!) are it just stops me in my tracks. We have eyes that sparkle when we're happy. Lips that are soft and kissable. Skin that's soft to the touch. The curve where our breast begins below our neckline is sexy. We have great legs. breasts and butts. We smell good. We have beautiful hands and feet. We've got gorgeous hair. Some of us have even created life and gone through childbirth (and those of us who haven't shouldn't be ashamed of that! But we'll save that topic for another day...uh, have I said that before?)

I've been very lucky in that the people in my life have been respectful, non-judgmental and haven't made me feel bad for being this size. I don't doubt they care and want me to live a long, healthy life (good news: physicals indicate that I am pretty healthy for a person of my size) but they've never made me feel bad for being me, I've been the hardest person on myself. (Another good basic lesson I learned at some point later rather than sooner...why talk to yourself so unkindly and when you wouldn't talk that way to a friend?)

I love that I finally gave myself permission to wear a short skirt and that I wear sleeveless shirts out in public. I love that I have a nice collection of sexy lingerie. It's so freeing to not worry so much about my outsides when my insides still need work.

I just wish I could come up with some magic words to say to those women who do criticize themselves. I want to shake them (gently) when I hear them talking about how fat and unattractive they are. (When PMS'ing it doesn't count! :P )

I get that people have a weight that they feel better at but why not get there with love instead of hate? Why not focus on the things you can do right instead of the things you do wrong? Why not give yourself a break?

Last I heard, the average size of a woman these days is at a 14. We're a nation that has gotten bigger as time has gone by. We eat more and are way less active (uh, yeah, that's me!) and it sucks that losing weight and being thin is deemed more acceptable by society. For me, I just am concentrating on being a better person everyday both physically and emotionally. I've only got the one body and I'd rather make peace with it than live an exhausting life full of recriminations.

Now who wants to drag my big beautiful butt out for a walk?

(May 27, 2009 Wednesday - found this site and while torn between feeling like WTF?! Food is good! I love food that isn't all about fish, veggies and soy, this one seems like a nice compromise...they take foods I actually WOULD eat and come up with ways to make them less evil and I think with a few tweaks I could make some of them even better for ME...get the best of both worlds. They sucked me in by having good recipes for little hamburgers, chicken cordon bleu and quesdillas! http://www.hungry-girl.com/)