All right, so I guess this is the new reality, posting on this blog by doing it speech to text…that laptop is such a pain in the ass. I should just get rid of it. There’s so many things in this place I should just get rid of, but I find myself not able to. I know I should just like keep the sentimental stuff, but everything is kind of sentimental in one way or another.
Anyway, the reason for this post today is that I had to come here and talk about how it’s interesting how something can be just switched from on/off or from up to down or from down to up so quickly. I was feeling so hopeless as of yesterday but now I’m feeling hopeful again and all because I had a chat with O and decided to look into getting a job with her company.
I’m applying for a position that would be working overnights and just being there in the house to be there for this behaviorally-challenged kid and it couldn’t be more perfect for my life right now. Well OK that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but anyway I was feeling really hopeless and then I watched a video on YouTube from Tony Robbins and Eckhart Tolle and the point that kept being really nailed home, for 45 minutes, was that all we have is now. All we have is now. All we have is now and it got in my head and made me stop and take a quick check-in with myself and going OK this is my now -
I’m a night owl and I don’t wanna work too hard right now. I know that sounds terrible but I know what I mean 😬 but then I also realized that I wanna work with people and not “machines” so it’s kind of perfect.
I’m doing this interview over text and I’m just being myself, and being able to be myself? That’s the dream baby because I’ve had so many jobs where I’ve had to rein in who I am and I don’t wanna do that anymore. I wanna just be free to be me 😬
Hmm, I didn’t realize how important that was until right now..,but anyway, of course, when it rains it pours (not that anything really may come of either of these things) but I also have a text from a temp agency that wants to know what I’m looking for etc. and so I’m gonna answer it. I’m just gonna go with like the dream of what I want - shift, work, pay - because if you don’t ask, you don’t get, right?
I have to make these things about my life important and really good for myself because I have a feeling they’re going to become very important to me as I deal with the loss of the love of my life. I have a feeling that things aren’t gonna work out with us. I just have a feeling that if it was gonna happen it would’ve happened by now. It’s that “He’s Just Not That Into You” thing. Lord knows I’ve been seeing a million memes and quotes on Facebook the last few months saying that when a man really loves a woman, really into a woman, there’s nothing that he wouldn’t do to be with her -should I think the universe is trying to tell me something?
I was so sure for a while with him, that we were going to be real someday, and then I lost it all, Thankfully, in a weird way, you know O & V have filled the “family” need that I wanted to feel again. In fact, yesterday kind of in a joking way, I asked O if she wanted to be my domestic partner and she said yes so yeah maybe I mean it’s kind of weird but a domestic partner is like the best of things and the only thing you’re missing is the sex, and romantic stuff 🥺 but I’m so thankful for her, so incredibly thankful that this woman came into my life and that the kid has changed my world totally upside down and I love them both so much,
I never would have ever imagined that this would be my life at this point. Going on 55 and living in this condo and being a family with a Russian woman and child…but God if anybody can understand life not sailing smoothly (with my mother‘s many marriages, and our millions of moves (ooh I like the alliteration on that) just to name the minor things) it’s going to be them and the shit they’ve experienced in their lives so far.
So now we are this little family unit and it’s the best thing ever and I’m learning so much from them. I’m so lucky to have them and I can’t imagine life without them, especially at this time in my life because yeah I think they’re gonna help heal my heart.
Still, I really do hope I’m wrong. No one ever has made me feel like he makes me feel. I’m smarter. I’m funnier. I’m more beautiful. I’m more confident. I’m standing tall and I am. I’m superwoman when I’m with him. And he’s my Superman, sexy and strong and confident and so manly and masculine, and just my total alpha male.
I just wish things would just hurry up and get messy and awful and terrible so we can get that part over with and then just be together. We deserve to give it a try. I don’t know about him, but I don’t wanna have spent the last 20 years for nothing but a “learning experience”
I gotta fucking get off that topic now anyway I think this is enough for now.
This is a lot and
I’ll be back.
