Current songs played on repeat for hours:
"Chemical" Post Malone
"Talk About Love" Kate Hudson
"Fortnight" (feat. Post Malone) Taylor Swift
Current state of home:
I will most likely be losing O and V to their own apartment if O changes work locations to be nearer to V's school - It really does make sense for them to live within walking distance and not have to worry about learning to drive and only occasionally having to take the bus vs. relying on it so heavily.
And I have to let them go.
And while a part of me will be very happy to have my quiet life back...I'm not sure how I'm going to feel living alone again after living through the experience of becoming family with them.
I asked Pop for someone to love and he sent me 2, but I didn't ask for my forever someone.
I just want to have my life partner already. I don't want to go through life alone anymore.
And now they're probably leaving and life will be changing substantially again.
I've been working toward acceptance that they weren't planning on staying with me forever for months - ever since it came up with V in a conversation we had. I was very upset at the time but that was related to losing even more important people I love and well, I guess it was a trigger.
Why doesn't anyone want to be with me forever? Yeah, I'm counting B in that.
We are in a vicious circle of our own - I don't believe he's really going to keep his promise to marry me but by telling him I don't trust him, it proves that I don't believe him ...or something like that. I'm HAF right now.
But...I'm so confused. Maybe it won't all matter and I should run away somewhere. I'm behind on my mortgage and unless I can get my shit together I'm going to lose this place so nothing is tying me to Minnesota anymore. Well, Jason but he has his wife and soon-to-be-here step-daughter. He's got his family and religion.
N has pulled away, just has so much going on in her world.
I have E but he's focused on finding a relationship of his own
R, K & the boys, have such full lives with school, sports, etc.
Oh god, I'm feeling so lonely right now and crying.
I may have Noire but she only loves me because I feed her, scoop her poop and pet her.
If I let this place go...I better be going somewhere else where I'm not going to be alone.
Where could I go? Where could I afford to go? Is there even anyone who I could move closer to...Scott and San Diego are not an option. Not yet anyway.
A & M up in Grande Prairie AB?
Cousin J (here in MN/she) Cousin J (down in FL/he)
God, I'm really feeling sorry for myself.
Not even being grateful for things I do have in my life...the people who do love me ....is working this time.
Fuck. I'm a fucking mess right now. Bringing myself down - well time to distract!!!!!
