What's It All About?


"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates

While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.

You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase." MLK

Monday, May 6, 2024

Spring 2024

Another time of year when dead things come back to life. In nature anyway. 

Today is the 2-year anniversary of losing Sally. Did I ever mention that? And the 2nd anniversary of losing Pop is just around the corner, July 3rd. 

And just like then, B is missing from my life while I deal with the grief and loss. 

All of a sudden, in the space of a few months I lost Sally, Pop and B was gone too. It's a wonder I didn't lose my mind. 

Ups and downs, ups and downs. Our last conversation made me feel like I was the bad guy. For making him feel bad and like he's a terrible person. I'm the bad guy for wanting to talk about our future. I'm the bad guy because I'm bringing reality into the situation. 

He doesn't understand that, of course, I'm going to speak my mind because I've been able to do that with him during our whole relationship. I have someone who listens to and pays attention to me, so I have a certain standard now. I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone who you couldn't talk to about anything with. 

Is it not normal to be straightforward, honest and direct in a relationship? 

I do truly believe that IF we do end up together, that we will indeed need therapy if we have any chance of turning what we have, what we've had, into a real relationship. Love isn't enough to repair years of mistrust, and insecurities. 

Then again, is that enough of a reason to say, forget it and we shouldn't bother? Are we already doomed because I won't be able to really get over the resentment of waiting for the man I love for so long? 

The reason for all the waiting has been love. Love he has for his daughter, love I have for him. And right now I'm not feeling much love. 

I am just feeling like all of this waiting is, well, just not worth it. 

At least I finally realized that I'm worthy of a relationship and love right now just as I am. I don't have to be "better" in any areas of my life 

I want someone to commit forever to and they do the same with me. We choose each other and put the other one first. 

All I want is someone to call my own and put me first and I'll do the same for them. 

I know V and O won't stay here forever - and as much as that pains me, it's the reality. 

But, if at the end of the day, it's me, Noire and maybe some other cats, I'm OK with that. 



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Noire

Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!

Things I'm grateful for everyday....

- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)

Current Favorite Quotes

“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain

(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)

7-25-07

1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.

Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)

  • 1. No one can bring your life to you
  • 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
  • 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
  • 4. Every choice means giving up something different
  • 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
  • 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
  • 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
  • 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
  • 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them