So here we are. 1 day more and I'm 54.
It's been a wild year, summer...
Because of the uncertainty of my future with B, I decided to put myself on dating apps.
And this time around, I decided I was going to be completely and openly just myself, as I am now, RA and all. Include full-body pictures!! I wasn't going to be coy, or mysterious and speak up if I felt I needed to.
For so long, I have forgotten that I deserve love and companionship as I am right now. And deserve it even with B. I don't have to have gotten rid of my RA, lose a ton of weight, have a nicer place, or be completely debt-free. He hasn't asked those things of me, I just assumed they were more important than they are. And while those things are nice and I'm aiming for them, they're all just part of my being a work in progress and even if I don't achieve every goal, it doesn't mean I'm unworthy.
I'm still capable of love and sex (for the most part, getting on my knees is the main no-go ; ) ) and have lots to give. I can also go out and do stuff. I'm not the most mobile but I can get around and/or I'm willing to try.
For some reason I've yet to understand, I had convinced myself that I had to be a better, more grown-up/adult version of myself and just be someone I'm not and may never be -in order to be ready for a real relationship [with him.]
I wonder if that will even happen anymore. I hate that I can't talk about the future, our future, with him. We've only spent the last few years planning on it only for things to go off the rails into what-the-fuck land where old hurts are surfacing and I'm left confused and unsure.
So, the apps. Ugh. They're worse now. Men in their 40s & 50s that are out there say they're looking for love -but mostly want to get laid.
And I'm not that person anymore. Have I ever been that person or was that just desperation and low standards?
Where I'm at now is that I know, I KNOW, what it's like to be intimate with the person you love (thank you for that B!) and I don't want anything other than, no matter how horny I might be. I also now believe I would be what they call, "demisexual" -
"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only feel sexual attraction to someone after forming a strong emotional bond with them. This is different from primary sexual attraction, which is based on immediate characteristics like appearance or smell and is felt right after a first encounter. Demisexual people can develop romantic feelings for others, but they only experience sexual attraction with partners they are deeply connected to."
And no matter the profile I look at, they're not B. I'm looking for another him -just one that's available -and I'm not finding him or anyone that appeals to me. Oh sure, I've been keeping my mind as open as I can, but I know that my heart really belongs to B.
I tell ya, B has totally spoiled me. I now have high expectations for any man who becomes involved with me. To quote from a song in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Grease" - "he's the one I want."
So...O & V are still with me and I should be feeling more anxious about whether they're going to stay longer. Well, I was, at first, but now I understand. It's nice to be able to take a quick walk to school, work, or to shop, when your legs are your primary mode of transportation. I briefly toyed with the idea of moving with them but...no. I love my home.
And I know V feels isolated here but that will change, I feel confident it will change when he makes some friends from school and/or IRL. He'll have things to do, elsewhere! And I know there's more to it, but that's a big reason why it would be a good decision on their part. And yes, it's their decision. (They're a team and I've had to learn to handle my jealousy about that (and that's a post for another day. Maybe.))
But...but...but...I am a 2nd mom to V and I like the job, a LOT. This kid has turned my world upside down, in the best possible way. I didn't know I was capable of such love for a child. Oh sure, I love E & O but I don't have any direct say in how they're growing up. With V...I'm learning so much. Things don't have to be the way they were. And why not express our opinions? And why not question things? Watching someone, and trying to help him, grow up into a good, happy, young man, is a fascinating and frustrating experience.
*sigh* I'm sure they also would just like their own house.
So the future remains uncertain in that regard.
BTW, I'm loving my new boobs. I'm so happy and I don't feel like a freak anymore. I had to get a new swimsuit top! I find myself touching them a lot because I can't believe they're this small now!
And to now just keep on working on making better food/drink choices.
And this is the summer that O lost her dad and N lost her mom. I feel their pain.
It's been over 2 years since Pop finally let go of his life. That's really the best way to describe it. He let go. And he's at peace. I think it's a lovely goal to be at peace with your life and the choices you made, throughout your life, when your end comes. Without the "self-termination" that is.
So, birthday. Sleep in, eat some edibles, and then pool time with V. It should be a good day! Then a combined birthday pool party with O on Saturday. That should be fun!
Onward and Upward.
