What's It All About?


"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates

While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.

You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase." MLK

Friday, May 20, 2022

Sally Anita Dorn R.I.P. 5/6/20

I've been telling stories and talking about her since I heard the devastating news. 

It was quick and I hope to god painless considering all that she's been through with her health. 

I now have 2 of the most important women to me, leaving this earth a little bit too soon. 

And THAT is the kind of motivation to really get me to really focus on getting my health in order. 

But I've got to find that balance between wanting to take care of myself and wanting to accept myself as I am. I wonder if this is sort of like how addicts reach their rock bottom before they admit they have a problem and need to make serious changes. 

And I'd love to ask Sally about that. She had her own battles with addiction. 

But she was love. I received so much love from her I was swimming in it when we got to spend time together. 

(I feel a poem coming on)

And she had no problem being honest with me and calling me on my shit...it always hurt but thankfully not for long ...also because there was so much more love to smother it. 

I worry about her boys, J & J. 

And I feel for them - they spent a lot of time taking care of her and "my boys" went through the exact same thing after the loss of mom.  

Loss and freedom at a terrible price.

I could write a lot more I think but I'm not going to right now. 

I'm tired. Haven't recovered the sleep I lost while in the hospital. Yeah, H. 

I really do believe all of the stress of worrying about money (not nearly enough) and my health (RA, really? Fuck.) and work (will I be hired on permanently? and when!!!) and the conflicting feelings I'm having about what to do with my relationship with the love of my life (failed and enlightening ultimatum issued and as expected, I lost) followed by the loss of Sally was just too much for my system to handle and it shut down my legs. 

And they're still not working all that well. 

I start infusion treatment on Monday. Bloody early but it means no more waiting. The M is just not working as well as I hoped and need it to. I will have to look at it as an adventure. Getting to put on clothes and bring stuff to do...hey maybe take a book and skip the tablet! It's been years since I read an actual book vs. listening to it. Though I do have that Jim Butcher one waiting for me....

Anyhoo. 

I had a moment last night where I vented about how the world sucks but...it doesn't. There are just a lot of rotten people doing rotten things in it. But I can't dwell on that as I've got to give myself as much positive reinforcement and pep talks as I can in order to not get into bed and never get out. 

OK, enough for now. The important news has been reported and documented. 

Onward and Upward.


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Noire

Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!

Things I'm grateful for everyday....

- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)

Current Favorite Quotes

“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain

(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)

7-25-07

1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.

Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)

  • 1. No one can bring your life to you
  • 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
  • 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
  • 4. Every choice means giving up something different
  • 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
  • 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
  • 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
  • 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
  • 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them