Another day, another week, another month of still wondering what in the hell to do with myself, my life.
Another day, another week, another month of staying up all night and sleeping all day.
*sigh*
I just did some casual scanning of "remote/non-profit jobs" and am left feeling how I usually am when I do that kind of search...defeated. Most jobs I'm either highly unqualified for (college degree needed for Management/Director types of jobs) or see jobs that just leave me...cold.
And then there is also the thought...do I go to school or do some sort of training? I couldn't even finish a free course from Yale ("The Science of Well-Being") ...
I'm so ...lost. I'm swimming in place and not going anywhere. There are too many directions to go in (I know, I know, "take the first step in faith, you don't have to see the whole staircase...") and just because I take a step doesn't mean I can't pivot and go in another direction.
It's not helping that I don't know what I want other than I want to do something I feel passionate about and help others. I don't know what I want other than to do something service-related vs. sales.
Or do I do something like go to school (for something, for what?) and work part-time?
Do I just find a job that keeps the mortgage paid ...work to live, not live to work?
It feels like I'm forgetting that people who succeed, do actually work for their success.
I also have to acknowledge, I just don't feel like working right now. It's enough work for me to get out of bed everyday and take a shower.
And on top of all of this lack of direction in my life...my relationship is in jeopardy.
Someone sent a picture of my intercom to his roommate (and she looked me up on LinkedIn and saw my picture of me) so now I am living in fear of her coming over to confront me.
I am thankful it is a controlled entry here but that doesn't mean she couldn't get into the building some other way.
I have no desire to speak with her because I don't think I could stop myself from speaking the truth and that would jeopardize his relationship with his daughter.
I love him so much...he is the best thing I have in my life -especially right now (of course that then brings up a whole 'nother issue...that I need more going for me than having him in my life) ...but I had a thought that there is a solution that not only works for him...he doesn't have to continue living his double life but I also don't have to live with the times of anger and sadness when he stands me up because he can't get away.
I also partially think it really sucks that he IS getting to have both of what he wants...he gets to be a full-time dad AND have me. It's not fair and it makes me angry but I've been going along with it because the alternative sucks.
I also hate that I DO have to live in the shadows. How is that supposed to help when I do start legitimately start looking for work/applying for jobs (e.g. I can't use LinkedIn the way it should be used.)
I hate that I have to worry about her coming to find me.
So do I suggest that we change our relationship and spend the next 5 years just talking on the phone but never see each other...that we can't see each other again in person until that day comes when he gets divorced? We would have to treat it like it's a long-distance relationship (it already feels like that a lot of the time.) We have tried being apart, no contact and that didn't work. We have tried being together and trying to avoid having him "caught". Maybe we need to try, being together, but apart.
Can we get to our future together if we do that? It feels like it would solve the problem in a lot of ways.
The bad news about that plan though is that when I'm physically with him, it's my happy place. Being together is everything I want in life. To not be able to hug and kiss him (and not feel his touch) would be awful. Can we really both go another week, month, year without being able to touch and kiss each other, let alone 5 years?
I know that life isn't fair and we don't always get what we want but to think that I may need to give him up like this fucking sucks.
I can't even think of any other ideas and I haven't talked to him since last Friday (it's Wednesday) and not being able to talk to him about this is frustrating. I know I could call him but know he has a lot going on -more than usual -since his father had the stroke and refuses to quit working.
While I'm...waiting on talking to him, I can get back to "working on myself" ...
I am glad I'm investing in the services of a professional chef. I'm finally taking control of food in my life. It's my bitch now.
So now just to keep working on re-connecting with my body. I found a great article and it included a letter someone wrote to themselves that I related to almost 100%;
Body Image: 5 Ways to Reconnect with Your Body
Do you ever feel disconnected from your body? Like the two of you are separate entities? Or more like enemies?
In college, I used to have many moments when my body would feel foreign. My body just didn’t feel like my own, and I’d walk around in a haze. These feelings were especially palpable on the nights I’d overeat, when I felt like I was outside my body. When I knew I was ingesting tons of calories and crap but somehow, at the time, I felt so detached that I didn’t care. Now thinking about it, I was too focused on soothing the pain.
Other times, I’d tense up, feel overwhelmed and want to run — run right out of my body. I felt suffocated by what I interpreted as layers and layers of fat.
If you’ve ever felt this way or just wanted to feel more comfortable in your own skin, here are several suggestions for reconnecting with your body.
1. Do yoga. I enjoy many different kinds of exercise, but I’ve found that no other physical activity has connected me to my body like yoga. Yoga forces me to slow down, to be in the present, to treat my body gently and to truly feel my body (if that makes sense).
I also think that yoga teaches us to be kinder to our bodies – instead of viewing them as adversaries, punching bags or unworthy entities we need to mold and manipulate.
Here’s an article from Yoga Journal on how yoga can make us feel happy in our own skin, and better appreciate our bodies. My favorite part of the article is when a yoga teacher talks about our amazing feet (yes, feet!).
“My instructor would start the class talking about what an amazing structure the foot is, how it roots us to the earth. Then she would guide a self-massage of the foot and encourage us to revel in each sensation,” Starr recalls. “She asked us to be conscious of how it felt to walk down the street, where our weight hit, how it shifted, and to recognize the small miracle of walking. All of that allowed me to think of my body not as something that needed to be changed or that had to be punished but as a vessel that could carry me through anything.”
2. Notice your body. Golda Poretsky, who owns and operates Body Love Wellness, shared a great tip in her Weightless interview on loving our bodies, and I think it’s especially helpful for reconnecting with them, too.
…The next time you take a shower or put on body lotion, do it really slowly. Do it at least three times as slowly as you normally would. Pay attention to what you’re doing, the way your skin feels as you touch it, the type of pressure that you like, the way your muscles soften or contract in response, the way your skin changes color ever so slightly. You can do this wordlessly, or just say a word or two, like “beautiful” or “love” or even hum a bit. This is going to feel so different than your usual shower or lotion application session. Notice how your body feels as you move throughout the day. Often, you’ll feel sexier, more relaxed, etc. It’s a beautiful way to instill body love right into your body.
3. Communicate with your body. Get into your body’s mind. What I mean by that is consider what your body goes through every time you start and end a diet or any time you bash it. One way to talk to your body is by writing a letter. I’m seriously in love with this letter that Sally McGraw of Already Pretty wrote to her body. An excerpt:
You have kept me safe from major illness and injury my whole life. Despite coming from a family that boasts both poor genetics and poor lifestyle choices, you have managed to preserve me from any sort of dire health situation. And despite spectacular clumsiness, you’ve bounced back from every tumble and scrape. In fact, you seem to possess an almost superhuman ability to adapt – to the point that I need to stock and rotate 3 types of deodorant lest you become immune within a matter of weeks and make me stink to high heaven. You also go to great lengths to heal. You are so determined to keep me safe that you actually produce an overabundance of scar tissue. You have kept me healthy and strong for 31 years.
And I have repaid you with indifference.
…
You have reacted with resilience to every diet and exercise regimen that has been inflicted upon you. From junk food and laziness, to South Beach and perfunctory gym visits, to Lean Cuisines and frenzied biking, you have adapted and shifted and transformed. You have slimmed down, gained muscle mass, reverted to squish, and everything in between.
And I have repaid you with revulsion.
Towards the end, she makes a promise to her body, something you might consider doing, too. She writes:
I hope to remain in conversation with you, and I hope to keep learning. And in learning, I hope to accept. And in acceptance, I hope to eventually hack out a path toward love.
4. Remember that you are whole. Remember that you aren’t your inner thighs or your less-than muscular middle. In an interview on Weightless, eating disorder survivor and advocate Kendra Sebellius talks about the connection and empowerment she felt when she stopped seeing herself as separate parts.
In treatment I was forced to look in the mirror naked – which at the time was terrifying. But the more I did it, the more I saw myself as a whole person.
I focus on seeing my body as a whole unit, versus chopping up who I am based on arms, thighs, neck, stomach, face, etc.
5. Take a breather. Stop whatever you’re doing and listen. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Am I anxious, angry, annoyed, exhausted? Years ago, what I interpreted as a disgusting body overwhelmed by fat was really a body — and mind — overwhelmed by sad and frustrated feelings.
Also, ask yourself what your body needs right now. When you don’t listen to your body and what it requires that’s when you feel most disconnected. Attending to your body’s needs helps you reconnect to it. When you listen to your body, you acknowledge it, you give it a voice. Nourishing your body with food when it’s hungry, taking a few deep breaths because you feel your body tensing up are all ways to feel closer to your body and reconnect with it.
I do need to give my body credit for the things it does "right". I need to give it credit for all of the things it's survived and overcome (the fuckula!) I need to be grateful I have all of my limbs and that I have 2 hands with all 10 fingers. I need to be grateful I can hear music I love and the voices of people I love. I need to be grateful my eyes can see since there is so much beauty in the world. I need to be grateful I have a sense of smell that can smell my favorite incense and his cologne and good food being cooked.
I know I need to be grateful that I can stand up on two legs and get up and out of bed everyday.
But how do I translate gratitude into action? (Maybe that will be the next question for A. I have my next phone appointment with her tomorrow.)
It always seems to come down to action. I need to figure out a way to get out of my head and actually DO stuff.
Maybe I just need to adapt that old Nike slogan of "Just Do It"...Hmm...that's not a bad idea.
