Oh where to begin....well, one of my homework assignments from C (my career coach) is to think about and answer the questions of ...
What do you want to be remembered for? What do I want for my future self?
Those are really tough questions because I know there needs to be more than just that I was a good person who tried to not hurt others.
It seems weird to think about those questions as they relate to finding a new job but I have said that because I see myself - living to work vs. working to live -it is important.
I want whatever I have done to be something I was proud of. I held my head up high and was always honest and did the right thing. I want to be remembered as someone who had integrity, compassion and shared a lot of love with those I care about.
My future self wants to have a job I still enjoy getting out of bed for every day. I want to have a balanced life between my work and my personal life. I want my future self to be making a difference and still be learning and growing as a woman.
And...my future self, wants to be a wife and a step-mom.
and THAT leads me to the drama.
Shit just got really real.
I won't get into all of the details. The short version is that SHE DID show up here and officially knows about B and I. She knew, but now other people know and THAT is what blew this whole thing up and things will probably, hopefully change now, not later. Much as it was a nice thought to wait until A was 18, shit happens. (Interfering, busybody, fucking neighbors is what happened. It really is a small world after all.)
Based on his actions the night things went down and the conversations afterwards, I feel 99.99999% assured that our relationship is NOT over.
I have been hoping that because of how our relationship has evolved these last couple of years that I wouldn't lose him if he got "caught" but there is still that tiny bit of me that is scared I'll lose him out of his desire to spare his daughter any more pain that she might feel.
I hate that people I've never met, people in his life, are going to get hurt by this. There is a price to be paid for this selfishness of ours.
I never wanted to do anything to cause A pain and suffering but I believe she will be better off without parents who are not committed to each other, better off with a father who isn't living a lie anymore. And I can only hope that SHE will find someone who loves only her and her alone.
I'm going to hope and pray that when we all come out of this to the other side, that we'll all not only survive but thrive.
I used to be afraid to have a real relationship with him (N's voice in my head "be careful what you wish for") but I'm not afraid anymore. Oh sure I'm nervous and know we have a long way to go before it's real (in his world) but the thought of going through the ups and downs of life with him don't scare me. I've, we've, already been through so much.
I just need to be patient and supportive of the process.
In the meantime, I have myself to keep taking care of...I need to find work and get "back to life" ...
I know I've been just coasting along these last few months, not being a productive member of society and I need to remember I'm capable of so much more.
And...in the new world -once the results of the election between the orange nasty man and Biden, are in, I hope Biden is the winner because we can't go on the way we were. The world, this country will be the better for it when we have a Commander-in-Chief who understands the job and is a whole lot better of a human being than the orange, nasty man.
