Brilliant Observation or Thinking Too Hard?

This week I've been on jury duty. A fascinating but boring thing.

Yes, it can be both.

I'm having fun being off of work (but thankfully getting paid!) and getting to know some of my fellow ...what do we call ourselves? fine and upstanding citizens serving our state (government?) but the waiting around is not so fun. Totally boring. I've been resisting the urge to bring the laptop because I haven't wanted to carry it but I think I just may have to bring it tomorrow. (Just think, hours and hours of playing FarmVille 2....hmmm.) Maybe. I'm in the middle of a pretty good book so maybe the Kindle will just continue to do. I did load it up with a bunch of books from the library...

But then, the fascinating part comes in because I am finding the whole process interesting. Random strangers selected to potentially aide in someone's defense or conviction? Random strangers having an impact on the outcome for the good or the bad of the good or the bad.

So here it is, Tuesday night and I've just had a slightly ...disturbing thought. I have been "on" earlier hours this week because of the JD (was home by 3:15 this afternoon) and just tonight, just now, I'm thinking about another major reason why I don't like earlier shifts (besides the NOT having to get up so bloody early) and that is that I find having hours and hours to kill in the evening to be depressing. It's only 7:30pm. It's ONLY 7:30pm. And bedtime is hours away (going to bed earlier -tonight anyway - is not gonna happen since I took a nap this afternoon.)

If I had to work an earlier shift, I would be a very unhappy person. I never realized how much my shift was tied into my state of my mind. 

Usually when I've got hours and hours to kill in the evening all I can think about is that I feel is loneliness. Loneliness and boredom.

Hmm.

Right now, emotionally/mentally, my life is going pretty well. With the later shift, I get home too late for most weeknight activities and therefore it's an automatic reason to not feel bad (in my head that's how it goes) and I have the perfect excuse for not being sociable during the week. I get home and there's only time for a little bit of playing around online, some late dinner and then bed.

If I ever was to have a permanent earlier shift ...the thought is so terrible, I can barely stand to think about it. I think that is one of the reasons I was so unhappy in jobs past (prior to the SPCO.) and why I've been feeling better emotionally the last few years. Working 2nd shift, working weekends and now working a later M-F shift ...all mean I'm at least working instead of being by myself, during time I consider to be "prime time" when I imagine people are hanging out with their friends and/or loved ones and dwelling on the lack of a life I have.

So that begs the deeper question...is it healthy to think this way? Am I just putting a band-aid on a big, gaping wound? Is it ..wrong of me to want to live my life the way I live it which includes structuring it so that I rarely have to think about the choices I've made that have me, alone most of the time?

(What I do think is that I think I would have to have cable and become addicted to TV again :P)

So now time to turn it around and think about the good things about this life I've chosen to live. Time to focus on the the positive.

I like my life. I really do like my life. I like that I don't feel that crushing loneliness like I used to.

I like that I do what I want, when I want and that includes the occasional get together with friends (spent Friday night w/R & K and had a great time just hanging out and catching up) and the occasional surprise of getting together with an old friend. People from the past. 

I had brunch with RJ this past Sunday. Have I ever mentioned him? He was a fairly close friend -in fact I'm embarrassed to say that I should have included him in that post about the men I've had close friendships with (OK, I confess I just went to go find that post to see if I did mention him in it and I can't find the damn thing and I'm not going to spend all night looking for it. The perfectionist in me is just going to have to live with the uncertainty and know that I may be repeating something you've already read about.)

I took the bus over to Minneapolis and met up with him at a place called Muddy Waters. (Hot coffee in a glass and so-so Poutine (fries with cheese curds and gravy.))

I met him through Scott ...and it was ...shit, I can't remember....I want to say about 15 years ago. They met when Scott was in "Assassins" at the History Theatre. Also gay. He was one of the many "fags" this fag hag was spending time with in my 20's. (Gawd, that was so long ago!)

I don't remember why we drifted apart exactly but I do recall that it had something to do with my dwelling in the past too much...or something like that?

Is that right? And what the fuck?

I don't remember. And now it's not important.

We reconnected -via Words With Friends (a scrabble type game on FB) and it's the beginning of what I hope is a good friendship (again.)

He's someone that was in my life when I was ...living it. Really living it.

And I have mentioned that I'll hopefully be getting together with my friend J the weekend after next?

Another old friend who I'd lost touch with.

A friend who told me that she was diagnosed with MS this past spring. (WTF?!!!)

And then there is the plan to have a sleepover with a couple of other old friends -though still waiting on confirmation from one of them....(yes, D, I'm talking about you now that I know you still read this!)

That should be a fun evening if it actually happens. Listening to some 80's music and spending time reminiscing about when life was a lot simpler.

Ah, old friends. People who knew you when you were still trying to figure out who you are. People that you shared life-changing (or stupid depending on how you look at it) experiences with.

I think I've mentioned before that I have ...blocked ...a lot of the past out. It's been necessary to do some blocking because there's no point to dwelling on mistakes and bad things that have happened but sadly, I've also blocked out some really great memories too.

And where do you ...go...when you reconnect with old friends? Do you find out if you have anything in common? Do you find out if the other person is happy and if the life they live is fulfilling? Do you only talk about the past or can you bring that past into the future and build a new friendship out of the old?

I've met so many awesome people in my life and getting an opportunity to put them back in the picture is a gift. (It also means I didn't fuck things up beyond repair.)