Facebook "assignment":

go to urbandictionary.com, type in your first name, copy and paste this (action #1) as your status and the FIRST entry for your name under comments (action #2)

and for me, there was this:

a woman i know who is incredibly sexy and i love her so much. she is the most amazing person alive and if you dont think so you deserve to die. amazingly there are some people who actually dont like her. but thats just because they're jealous and they're all asses anyway so no one cares about them. [Sam] deserves everything in the world and id do anything for her. ill never leave her side and i'll always be her best friend.

me: dude i love [sam]

you: who doesnt?

me: stupid retarded fuckers thats who!

****

How fucking awesome is that???

And i just ordered that on a t-shirt. *sigh* ..I have tax refund money burning a hole in my pocket big time. Why on earth there isn't a little voice inside my head saying "save it!" I don't know. I'm just bound and determined to always spend every penny I've got.

And you know what? That's the way I've always been with money. As a kid, I never saved up my allowance for something special. When I finally started baby-sitting, that money was gone almost as soon as it was given to me. Then when I started officially working at 16, I was working in a department store with a healthy employee discount...I burned through that money so fast...my senior year of high school, I barely managed to hang on to enough cash to get my senior portrait done and at the "end", get a yearbook (my one and ONLY yearbook out of all of those years of school) ...

Is it too late to teach an old dog new money tricks? Probably not.

While I'm crazy with the money, in reality, I don't necessarily have a lot of "stuff" and I'm not materialistic. I live a fairly simple life. (I've got so little in the way of possessions that it only took me a couple of hours to get moved in here.)

Last year when I had tax refund money burning a hole in the pocket, I went ahead and bought stuff for other people for a change. Maybe I'll do that again and then I'll feel a little less guilty about spending it.

When I do think about saving money, it just doesn't get me excited like spending does. There are practical reasons to save too, but I love living in the NOW and enjoying the ride. But then of course it bites me in the ass, when I need money for something I didn't know I'd need money for and I don't have it...perfect example of this was the stuff with Louis and the vet's office (if the fabulous hadn't been so freakin' fabulous I don't know what I would have done...oh wait, yes I do...gone to the bro...but for fucks sake, I'm almost 40. Isn't it about time I really took care of myself and my life 100%???? OK, we're not gonna go there tonight)

Then again, it's another thing that's not ALL or NOTHING ...I keep forgetting that. Balance, moderation, compromise...nothing wrong with any of that.

*Another sigh* It seems like its always been feast or famine with me throughout my life though. There have been years where I've been what my former therapist called "deprived" where I really was just surviving. Making just enough to get by. Things have been better for me financially the last few months (it's amazing what working all of your scheduled hours can do for the paycheck!) and it's been nice not to worry so much about watching every penny.

****

Ah well. It's my Friday so TGIF. First week of new schedule w/the earlier start time and the new days off. I've tried to be good and go to bed around 2am but I've not accomplished it yet. Probably just have to work my way around to it as I adjust.

**********

It still is hard to come home and come up here to my room. I find myself thinking about coming up here to say hi to my baby and relaxing a bit before I go downstairs (to eat a snack or hang out chatting with the fabulous and her boy) and then getting up here and he's not here.

And I could swear I hear him moving around and getting comfortable on his "box"...the one he also used as a step to get from the floor to the bed. It always made a little noise.

Did I mention another thing that I'm treating myself too is a commissioned mini-portrait of him? Oh, yeah, I did. I can't wait to see how she saw him from his photos.

I've got a picture of him on my phone as the wallpaper right now. I like seeing him every day, even if it's only as a picture on a phone.

>>>>><<<<<<<

Man, I'm really tired all of a sudden. Shall I just push through until I get my 2nd wind as usual? Or just give in for a change?

Eh. Onward. With drooping eyelids.