Escapism

I've struggled with how deeply I should get into certain subjects here. While I'm an open and honest person...often wearing my heart on my sleeve and blurting out things on my mind before thinking about them, I've never wanted this to be a bummer of a read (poor Sam) or be whiny (why me) or be extremely self-indulgent (just the normal amount of self-indulgence ...if there is such a thing...). I have aimed to post things about things that weren't too dark or depressing (most of the time I think I've succeeded right?) and I'm wondering if that has been the wisest idea. I put on a happy face for work and for my friends (for the most part right?) and yet there are times when I just want to be sad.

Maybe it's not rational but hey, that's what being a human is all about right? Imperfection and dealing with the moods that we can get in.

It's been my weekend and I've crawled into my hole, not poking my head out for anybody (well, except for B who I saw briefly tonight) as I stay up here in my room, being thankful for air-conditioning and this computer. I blew off getting together with two dear friends, I & S (oh the guilt for blowing them off, but still managing to see B...I feel like that was a terrible thing to do) in favor of wallowing in my own ...bleh.

Isn't it funny how one day you can just been feeling so fine. The world is a happy place and there is nothing to complain about and then wham! the blues descend upon you and you feel like ...what's the point?

I've been wondering how I got to where I am today in regards to certain things about my life and while it does no good to dwell on things in the past that you can't change, I still have to wonder why I make the choices I do.

For the past couple of decades, anytime my thoughts became too much for me to deal with, I've turned to other things to keep me distracted, such as TV and books. Let me step out of my messy world and into someone else's please, thank you very much.

The escape this time was going into "True Blood" world. I was reluctant to watch the show considering I've read ALL of the books that the series is based on (Charlaine Harris - Sookie Stackhouse series.) I'd done some online reading about the show and really didn't want to watch knowing they weren't staying entirely true to the books (do they ever?) but I kept reading and reading and finally I just couldn't resist. It's always interesting to see how the world you picture in your head translates on the screen.

I'm of course sucked in (total pun intended) and am now all caught up to current episodes. It's not bad. I'm just reminding myself that it's getting it mostly right and the things that don't match up are just part of all the fun & excitement of making a series out of novels...artistic license and all that. I'll be curious to see how it develops over time..especially if they keep basing a season on each successive novel.

Anyway, it's been nice getting out of my head for a bit.

I know I've got more than just air-conditioning and a computer to be thankful for (note to self: re-read your list) so what exactly do I have to feel so damn bad about? Seriously? WTF is all this malaise about? OK, now I'm just getting mad at myself 'cause I really don't know what I have to complain about. So what if I'm seriously fucked up about money. No one makes me feel bad about that other than me. So what if I'm a big person with back pain, who deals with her stress by eating junk food? So what if I'm involved with a man who may not be the best for me, but who loves me regardless of all of my crazy moods. So what if I can't make up my mind about school or getting a better job right now. All things in good time right? This is just where I'm at right now and I'm still on the road of my life moving along at a steady pace.

So I think I'm going to decide right now to stop beating myself up at this particular time for spending my weekend the way I did.

And now I'm going to go let the dog out one more time for the night and call it a day.