It's almost 3am and as usual I'm not ready to go to sleep yet. I'm tired but not going to just lie there tossing and turning for an hour so I'll just go to bed when I know I'll fall asleep.
Should I be sad that most people I know have a schedule that's completely the opposite of mine? Being a night owl is kind of a solitary lifestyle. I know there are others out there but I haven't connected with them yet. Actually I kinda like my late nights the way they are. I can get into my jammies, turn on the computer and see what the world wide web has for me. Latest episodes of favorite TV shows, email, facebook updates, google searches and these blog posts.
I've been feeling like I'm treading water again...just swimming in place through my life. Yet I also feel like I'm waiting for something but I'm not sure what it is. That's not quite true...I'm waiting for my birthday this summer. I'm waiting for my "weekend". I'm waiting for my new shift at work to start. I'm waiting for payday. I'm waiting for summer to officially be here. I'm waiting for the season finale of "Bones" (they're gonna do it!) I'm waiting to re-connect with old friends and see if I can handle it. I'm waiting for my next date w/B.
I'm also feeling like I should volunteer/go to those yoga classes/take a sample improv class (my roommate can hook me up)/look for a new job or decide to pursue further education. Either way I'm trying to live life again. Get out there and have some fun. It's about bloody time. I've been a hermit of sorts for too long now. I got hurt and decided the best way to not get hurt again was by keeping to myself but what has that really gotten me? Not much (luckily R & C came into my life and S has stuck around even though we rarely see each other)
I sometimes wonder if this is it? As Jack Nicholson's character "Melvin" in "As Good As It Gets" says "What if this is as good as it gets?" (I need to keep telling myself that life doesn't have to be a TV show, movie or a book.) After some of my travels the past couple of years the "no matter where you go, there you are" thought really sunk in. I used to think that if I went to a new city I could become someone different (because no one would know my history other than how I would tell it) but that's not the full reality. The reality is that I would still be that same person that has to work, buy groceries, do laundry, make new friends, look for love, occasionally get help from brother and parents, take care of kitty, sometimes gets sad/depressed/lonely and put my pants on one-leg-at-a-time just like everyone else.
I also sometimes wonder if my expectations for life are too high or something. I've said that I know what I don't want but haven't able to put into words what I do want. I can't stop wondering if it's OK that I'm almost 40 and living life like I'm still 25 (childless, careerless (my job is just a job) and not a homeowner (no offense to 25 year olds who have their shit together and have all that). I know I shouldn't compare my life to others but I'm just so afraid that I'm going to have to justify why I live my life so freely and independently (and selfishly?)
Bah! I'm over thinking things as usual. Life is just the choices you make (or don't make) and if you just try to be the best person you can be every day and treat others like you want to be treated then why worry about anything else? I guess I just want some sign to point me in a direction. I want something to come along and either light a fire under me or kick my ass. Or maybe I'm wanting someone to come along and rescue me from myself.
Don't you just love all this thinking out loud that I do here? I swear I'm done with this topic for awhile. I know I'm sounding like a broken record.
It's been a swell couple of days otherwise. Really did have a great time at R's party the other night. It's got me thinking about having a party for my b-day this year. Haven't had one for years and I think I'm overdue. So as long as I'm still living here in July and my roommate is cool with it, I'll have a party. I can embrace the part of my younger self that was social and wanted to have fun while still being the older, wiser self that I hope I've become.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them