What's It All About?


"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates

While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.

You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase." MLK

Friday, March 4, 2022

2022 - Barely 3 months In

I have this thing...RA. Rheumatoid Arthritis. And it sucks. 

I'm working with Reiki healer H again. And when we met last week, instead of focusing on that, we focused on my weight and health. 

Between growing up not learning how to eat healthy food/meals and living with parent's who had trauma, as well as a mother who constantly battled her own weight and body issues, I wasn't necessarily set up for success in that regard. 

So I've also gotten back in touch with A and I told her I'm ready to dive deep and dig into my baggage. 

As H has been wanting me to believe that I'm ready to be a strong, confident woman, I think between her and A, I can approach it a new way and maybe it will be effective. 

I am so split down the middle with accepting myself as I am and HATING who I see in the mirror. I don't recognize that person! 

I just had a random thought....I managed to stay just fat, not obese, up until I think my ...late 20's? and I'm wondering if my early sexual experiences contributed to it? Let me explain...I had a few sexual encounters, starting with losing my virginity at 19 to B. And then just random guys here and there. And each one of those experiences were...disappointing. And I also kept liking boys...men...who had no interest in me romantically (or the ones that were interested in me, I just didn't feel the same way, no matter how badly I wanted to in order to not be single/alone anymore) and with the bad sex and rejection, did I just let myself go because then no one would be interested and I'd be left alone and not be hurt anymore? Is that it? (Thankfully, B certainly changed all that when he came along!)

Granted, I know that I've gotten less active over the years and that certainly doesn't help but I guess I do feel like my weight is serving me...somehow, someway. 

While the people I love have concerns about my health, they all still accept and love me as I am. 

And while I appreciate that, I can't do that for myself. That old idea about treating yourself like you'd treat a dear friend just isn't working. 

And while I'm so tired of always thinking about it, my weight and health, the truth is I have to do something about it. And it starts with needing to actually really truly care. 

Because I don't care. I feel like I don't care. Because if I did, I'd have the willpower and strength to always make the better/right choices....right?? Isn't that what is needs to happen in order to do what you need to do to actually lose weight? 

Hmm. Well enough of this for now. I'll circle back after my next appointment with A. 

Posted by at

Noire

Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!

Things I'm grateful for everyday....

- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)

Current Favorite Quotes

“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain

(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)

7-25-07

1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.

Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)

  • 1. No one can bring your life to you
  • 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
  • 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
  • 4. Every choice means giving up something different
  • 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
  • 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
  • 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
  • 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
  • 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them