More and more time passes in between posts. I do love writing but ...
Anyway, here we are. June 2021 and I'm not in a great state of mind.
* I'm unemployed
* B and I never talk anymore
* My physical self is deteriorating
* I'm directionless about what kind of meaning my life should have
* I've been crying. And not because I'm laughing.
I think I was doing OK until mid-march when I accepted a job with Starkey Hearing Technologies.
Everything was great with them, except for the actual job I was hired for.
I started on 3/29 and survived going into the office for a couple of days (my manager Dan was very nice about my huffing and puffing from the short walks we took around the building) and they were totally OK with my working from home and sent me home with a laptop and monitor on the 3rd day.
The next 3 weeks were fine...I was in training and just learning for the job. Then came the first couple of days of training on the phone and that's when it started.
I went to celebrate the job with T, E & R.J. and got badly sunburned. And then the vertigo was back. I ended up going on medical leave and when that went on for weeks, I opted to resign since I wasn't going to be able to give them a date I'd be back to work and it was a relief.
I had my catalytic converter stolen during this time too (car had been parked outside while I was letting Oksana park a car in my garage) and on the day I went to have a pipe put on (B's suggestion to do a pipe and not replace the CC) I was with Pop and he asked me how the job was going (forgetting I was on a medical leave) and the first thing I said that instantly came to mind was I hated it.
I took a job doing the one thing I didn't want to do again. Work in a call-center/be on the phones for my whole shift. I had convinced myself it was fine (and I was so grateful to be offered a job) and I had convinced myself I could do it while I learned the business but I was just kidding myself.
The whole idea of getting up every day and spending the whole day on the phone, having to be "on" and be THAT me was depressing. And as I type out that last sentence, that is what I'm trying to get away from. I'm so good at being on the phone that it feels like it's the ONLY thing I'm good at anymore and that is depressing.
And also why I'm struggling now to find a new job. I don't feel like I'm qualified for anything else.
I did find that the description of correspondence clerk is appealing - and to me that means finding that job that has me basically working emails, NO phones. But in what field? The only field I am currently familiar with is travel. Group travel.
Anyway so here I am now, needing to find a new job and struggling with that. The kicker is that there are a million jobs out there thanks to the pandemic. Unfortunately a lot of them are in food/retail and understandably so...unemployment pay IS better than what they were making. I do hope companies realize that they need to pay better wages. I don't want to work again for a huge conglomerate where the CEO's make millions and the hardest/front-line workers barely make the minimum.
I get frustrated that the companies I think I'd like to work for only have jobs I'm completely unqualified for...jobs that require a degree.
I know I said I'd do temp work and I really think I should just go down that road already. I NEED to get back to work.
Because with all of this time on my hands...I'm lonely and feel useless.
Lonely because I don't talk to many people and that includes B.
I don't know what is going on with him, with us.
I really thought that when his wife came here to confront him (us? me?) last fall (and he stopped her from ringing my door buzzer all night and had it out with her in my parking lot) that it meant that all the sneaking around and hiding our relationship days would be coming to an end sooner rather than later. That maybe this meant the timeline could be moved up and we wouldn't have to wait until his daughter was 18 before we could really BE together.
And it was frustrating enough not knowing what would happen next as she started talking about him moving out and buying another house in the neighborhood and attorneys but hoping that meant that the marriage would finally be coming to an end...
And then ...Valentine's Day ...when I let my insecurities and frustration bubble over and I said something hurtful to him without thinking and caused him to pull away from us and our relationship, not sure he could get over it and continue.
But we got through it and I felt like we were back on track -at least in talking again on a regular basis and now...it's June 16 and I haven't spoken with him since June 3. And prior to that it had been a full 7-day week.
And when I express my frustration and sadness at that, it does nothing -as in -nothing changes.
And I don't know that if I had more going on with my life...work, meaning/purpose -that I'd be having such a hard time with it but with nothing else going on, all I can do is wallow in the loneliness of being apart from my love.
He said it will all be worth it in the end but again, I'm in a situation where I have to survive the now in order to get to the then and I wonder if I can do it.
I don't know why I can't just relax, secure in the knowledge that he truly loves me and we DO have a future together to look forward to.
I just need to get a life already.
I at least took a huge step today and not only took a shower but washed my hair. It had been over a week.
I should also interject the good thing, the main good thing going for me right now...on June 1, I became a "mommy" again to a little fur baby I (eventually) named Noire.
She's a very active mostly black furry kitten. Almost 8 weeks. I got her from Oksana -well her neighbor anyway -and I'd like to think that the whole "universe providing" had a little something to do with it.
I had actually filled out an application to adopt from Animal Ark (a 4-year old cat named "Boots" was my intended) and told Oksana about that when she came to clean and that night after she left, she texted me that she knew of a kitten that needed a home.
So here we are...2 weeks later and I'm covered in scratches from my head (well, face ) to my toes (well, calves) and it's been...an experience.
I did FINALLY manage to clip her little claws without trouble (the key is doing while she's laying on my chest napping/dozing) and that is making it SO much easier for me to deal with her. I also hope it means I won't lose my temper on her again.
When she's sleeping and snuggling with me is my favorite time. I needed to not be alone anymore. I needed something to love.
I have a vet appointment next week and I'll hope all goes well and this is beginning of a long, long, LONG life together.
Anyway, back to ...the state of my life right now...
Physically....the vertigo lingers though after some PT from Nat'l Dizzy/Balance Center is way better than it was. My knees hurt.
I have gained about 20 lbs since the last time I was weighed...and I'm feeling it.
And as usual, I'm torn between wanting to accept myself for who I am, what size I am and changing it.
I know health, being in good health should be the primary goal.
I know loving myself as I am should be the primary goal.
I just can't get those two things to be anything more than "should be's"
I still feel like there is some sort of key that I need to find to unlock a door I've got locked in my psyche.
Did I mention I've got too much time on my hands these days?
And I know that there are things I can do to help with all of this.
I've been throwing myself one hell of a pity-party the last few weeks and it's time for it to be put on pause (if not end.)
