Yup, another random, out of the blue post.
I would write/post more but my very good excuse is that my laptop is…well it’s sick and needs to see a Dr. It has been for at least year or so now. And typing anything other than a text or a few sentences in an email on my phone or the iPad (yes! I have one and I LOVE it…my 2016 profit sharing gift for myself) just sucks.
And I still LOVE typing. I always get a narcissistic kick from writing and posting so I’m not sure why I don’t just do it more…I’ve now broken what I’m sure is some rule about using the work computer for personal business…OK, OK, I did that a long time ago…who are we kidding? My FV2 addiction is too strong.
But that’s old news.
It occurred to me that I hadn’t really talked much here about how my life has changed in the last couple of years –especially this past year now that I’ve been working from home –outside of talking some about my “ass” issues, which continue. Yes, they do.
It’s been a year (this month in fact) since I started working at home. I totally love it.
1. No bra! I keep searching and searching for the perfect one but it doesn’t exist, well not anymore. The one I liked had a flaw that the metal part on the strap kept breaking off, but it was one I could stand to wear for more than a couple of hours.
2. No bus. Do I miss going out and waiting for the bus when it’s cold and rainy out? Nope. No way Jose. Non. Nyet. Flip side, I don’t experience as much of those beautiful perfect sunny days either but I can always get my lazy ass outside more can’t I on those kind of days? And I should! Yes, I should.
3. I can listen to music while I work. I LOVE that. And so far, it’s just been the stuff that’s on my iPod! I’ve got a lot of damn good shit. Thanks to Pandora I’m also getting to learn about new artists I love. Recent find…Small Black.
4. I actually have an easier time actually “getting to work”. Not easy. It’s still hard to get out of bed some days. But knowing all I have to do is make my way to the living room is a relief.
5. I’d like to think I’m eating better and/or way less but ever since I started getting groceries delivered from Lund’s/Byerly’s well I’m not so sure about that…but I’m certainly spending less money doing that vs, treatingmyself to a meal delivered by Bite Squad. I could probably write a whole separate post on how much I LOVE delivery. I don’t think there is anything I can’t have delivered.
Well, those are some of the top reasons…and working at home has become the perfect solution for the homebody I’ve become over the last …decade.
I miss some of my co-workers and feeling a part of things but not enough to go back. While I was a hard worker when in the office, I’m even more so at home without any distractions. I have unfortunately/fortunately found myself working outside of work. I love working emails and servicing the contracts so much I do it w/out getting paid for it!
I did a really good job in scheduling and having social interactions the first 6 months…the last 6, not so much. Not necessarily because of my lack of desire but because the people I socialize with have lives and their own shit going on.
Is it enough to know you’ve got people… out there?
That reminds me…I had a terribly depressing but realization the other day. If I were die in my sleep or …well, just here at home…how long would it be until I was found? I’d like to think that if at least B didn’t hear from me, he’d come over to see what was up. Not that it would be great that he find my dead body but…I think I need to get a set of keys for my brother…or Pop. Shit, not them either. Hmmm, not R/K, not E. Shit, there’s no one else I can think of…Oh! My upstairs neighbor! M. He’s a nice guy but he won’t be permanently affected by finding my dead body.
And now that I’m thinking about this again, it inspires me to …get rid of some of my stuff…I have too much!!! But it’s making me think that I had better make up some kind of will or something…but maybe later. I just hate the thought of leaving everything behind for someone else to deal with.
I’ll have to type up an account/password list too…
So much to do…I also desperately need to get to the Dentist and get my eyes checked and get new glasses. Why am I dragging my feet? Because they’re both going to cost money.
Here’s a weird…obsession I have right now is thinking about how since I don’t go out very much (aka get dressed) why do I have all of these clothes and jewelry and bags and shoes (well, I don’t really have a lot of shoes with my Fred Flintstone feet) …they just sit in my closet and in my dresser drawers and collect dust on my dresser …It’s like I’m so into “living in the now” that it doesn’t occur to me that I might need those things later…that life could change (because it bloody well does whether or not we want it to!) and I could go back to working in the office.
…Speaking of jewelry…I posted on FB about wanting creative ideas for what to do with mom’s earrings.
Mom. We’ll get to THAT in a bit…maybe.
My ears have become so sensitive over the last couple of years and none of my earrings, mine or hers, can be worn without problem the next day. And I LOVE earrings. I have some cool ones. My mom had some cool ones. (Some cool ones I gave her decades ago that she still had…ok, ok, pull it together…)
So we’ll see my artist/creative type FB friends come up with. So far, shadow box w/glass and collage. The latter I definitely need to hear more about. I just got another suggestion about gluing them to a jewelry box or a picture frame. I could actually do the latter myself. But I’ll still take pictures for J and hear her idea for the collage.
Well…time for a coffee and cigarette break. Yeah, I started smoking ago, about a year ago. Still just a pack a week. I know people aren’t happy about it but I quit for a year and maybe I’ll do it again but for right now…it’s my way to enjoy siting outside. I should look into finding something else…
OK, I’m back. Food in belly. Now just waiting for my brother to show up. He’s been coming over and helping me out around my apartment, cleaning and such. And doing my laundry! I’m perfectly capable of doing that stuff myself but I’ve been compensating him and so it’s worked out to be a beneficially mutual arrangement.
It also gives a reason to hang out. He’s got a girlfriend in the Philippines that he’s never met. With a sister working for an airline, he’ll eventually get over there to meet her. He’s trying to get his shit together. Physically and emotionally both. I've found that I actually do like hanging out with him.
*sigh*
Next weekend is Eli’s 3rd birthday…and I’ll have to be sure to equally give attention to him and to new baby Owen. New baby Owen….another little boy I’ve fallen head over heels for. I won’t lie, I was really disappointed about another boy but it all just doesn’t matter in the end. I love that Eli is at that age where he does recognize me and he’s happy to see me. My heart expands just thinking about those little boys.
Do I regret not having any children of my own? No. The only child I would have ever wanted is with B but that ship has sailed, in more ways than one.
B. Ah, B. Ups and downs as usual. We survived the Birthday disaster of 2016…barely. But goddamn if I just can’t stop loving that man. His love for me is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, nor will experience again. I’ve had to speak up and say that I’m not staying in this relationship without there being a future for us. We will be together as full partners someday. I’d like to think that includes marriage but living together, loving together in the same house is just fine too. He keeps telling me how great I am and that I deserve the best and to me, he’s the best and really gets me. I just don’t want to end up being one of those women who falls for the line (not that he’s ever given me the line) but ends up alone at the end.
It’s crazy how little interest I have in anyone else. It’s a complete 180 from how I felt a couple of years ago when G popped into the picture and SD was still orbiting my universe. I was still interested in being able to do whatever I wanted with whomever but now, the thought of being with anyone else is just a major turn-off. (Now, if I do happen to see SD again, I’ll be curious to see if he still gets to me like he has in the past but as he’s still in PDX, that won’t be happening anytime soon. Side note - he did acknowledge in a recent message that he was wrong to not appreciate me while he “had” me. It was nice to hear. And I can so hear B saying right now as I type that “everyone wants the X”. I wish he’d stop saying that. The only one I want to want me is him.)
So…next month. 2 years. 2 long hard years. The deep grief strikes at the oddest moments. I wrote this about a month ago. I call it a poem (though Pop disagrees with my calling it a poem! But I’ll cut him some slack, he’s still grieving too…we all are…)
Grief
Never goes away
Always there, hovering around me like a bee
Waiting to sting me
Even though I'm trying so hard
To stay still so it will pass on by
And then WHAM
not a sting
I've been hit by a truck
And I'm flat on the floor
Crying and feeling the deepest sorrow
I have ever known.
Is it so wrong of me to think that that’s damn good? I wrote it like in 3 minutes, ok, maybe 5. But still. It definitely perfectly describes how I was feeling in that moment…and still feel at times. I sent it to Pop and he was nice enough to come by that next day for a visit. He brought lunch and we chatted. Didn’t talk about mom so much and that was actually a good thing. I’m overdue for a “date” with him but he’s now so busy w/a new job and pioneering. I want to buy us tickets for the ballet but money is a little tight. I’m keeping on top of bills the best I can but a couple of weeks off work really screwed me. This living paycheck to paycheck has got to stop!
Fuck it. I just bought us tickets. So I won’t have as much spare cash until next payday but I have plenty of food and the major bills are paid. I just need money for my transpo back and forth to Eli’s party. Though I think I’ve talked my brother into playing chauffeur for gas money and that’s doable, so that’s covered.
Ah, money. I’d be further ahead if I didn’t have medical bills. I’m chipping away at them but it’s slow going. I really need to get my ass in gear and use the FSA money I set aside for this year.
And now Jason is here…brought his cat, who I might end up letting stay here for a bit …after next weekend anyway…The R/K/E are all allergic to cats…E too but at least E willing to take a pill and I usually go over to their house …but I don’t know if I’m ready for a full-time commitment but we’ll see how I feel next week …and after he’s been here a while. I have recently thought about getting a cat again…but when I did the little bit of looking …none of them…appealed to me and then I had the thought that I wanted a cat that looked like Louis.
Well that's enough for now I think.
Onward and upward.
