What's It All About?


"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates

While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.

You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase." MLK

Friday, July 1, 2016

Well sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

My mind is all over the place and there are so many things I want to write about but I don’t know where to begin.

I know it’s been awhile…again. I really love writing but sometimes it’s just too much…work…I tend to spend quite a bit of time re-reading and editing after I’ve written the initial post.

So here we are. July 1, 2016. I took an hour of PTO today because I just couldn’t stand working one more hour. I had a bad attitude today because I’m stressing out about fucking CHT…that’s call handle time for you not in the call center biz. 

Fucking CALL HANDLE TIME. Fucking CALL HANDLE TIME.
FUCKING CALL HANDLE TIME!!!!

Have I mentioned how much I hate worrying about FUCKING call handle time.

I had one of my call reviews yesterday and of course I’m getting “coaching” about it since it’s not falling under the preferred (required) guidelines.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

That is what would drive me away from the job. 

I need a job where I truly can give service and personalized attention to the customer and there is no fucking CHT to worry about.

Let’s put that in the scary column…and scary is another one of the things I wanted to write about…

Facing fears…
1. Do I really truly want to look for another job? Can I find a job w/in DL…one that puts up with as much w/my attendance (medical) issues as my current job? I like the money I make and I love the benefits and I don’t want to give those up (of course!)
2. I told B the other night that I realize I’m not ready to be a wife and stepmother at this particular time …and not that I wouldn’t welcome an opportunity to just dive in but I know myself and fucking A’ I’m selfish. I like, genuinely like, my life and having the freedom that I do. Am I happy that I feel that way? Not necessarily. I really do need to believe that it’s OK that I don’t have a traditional relationship. They surround me EVERYWHERE but it’s just not what I’ve got. Is it wrong of to me say that I LOVE what I have with B. I think N hit the nail right on the head when she recently lamented about the lack of private time w/BS now that they’re officially a couple to the world and the kids are involved. I’m so happy that when B and I are together, we’re together, focusing on each other, just on each other. Now I just need to work on dealing with my jealousy over the time he spends with everyone else!!! 
3. I’m back to obsessing over food and my weight. I’m half pissed off because it’s not like I binge all the time and I’m half scared to admit that I may really honestly have a problem that I should be seeking professional help for…

In re: #3 I’m going to try something out…I recently subscribed to a newsletter from a woman who is a recovering food addict and she put out a workbook: “The Optimistic Food Addict’s Recovery Journal & Activity Workbook” and I’m going to spend some time this [long] weekend with it.

Let’s see what does for me. I know sometimes you just have to DO and not think so much about the doing but I want to look at it from this angle and see where that gets me. I just want to make better choices, have more self-control and fucking lose some, just some of this fucking weight. I need to because it’s not helping with this ass business.

Yes, ass business. It’s not over yet. I really thought it was after that surgery in January. But nope...the fistula just refused to close up. Fucking A. I had another surgery to put another seton in last month and I have to have it in for at least 6 months. Fuck. (Secret fear: I like the drama and like that it gives me an excuse to not do some things. Is that really terrible of me?)

****

I still look around and look at my life and know I’m lucky in lots of ways so it’s not all bad.
I’m thankful for so many things. 

Random observation…In the past I tend to let my friends I’m thinking about them (and love them) around MY birthday and it’s probably totally self-serving. 
This year…there are a few people I’ve been thinking about…good friends and I’m not reaching out to them. B would encourage me to reach out so I …should. He usually has good advice that I regret not taking. 
OK, well, I think this is enough for now. 
Until next time…


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Noire

Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!

Things I'm grateful for everyday....

- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)

Current Favorite Quotes

“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain

(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)

7-25-07

1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.

Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)

  • 1. No one can bring your life to you
  • 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
  • 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
  • 4. Every choice means giving up something different
  • 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
  • 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
  • 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
  • 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
  • 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them