Post started writing last night...
Fuck.
Yeah, that's the title of this post.
Indulge me a little. I've got to write about this.
Ever since my last Dr. appointment where I was told I had gained almost 2 lbs since the last time I was weighed has really fucked me up.
I'm beating myself up and saying "fuck it" to even attempting to eat better, drink more water and don't even get me started on how little I am motivated to join the Y and start swimming.
While yes, portion sizes and lack of activity are probably the reasons why the gain but what about the fact that I gave up fucking soda? And I love an ice cold coke or mountain dew.
And I eat more whole grains and healthier snacks.
It feels like those things don't count ...it's all in vain.
Shit. I'm back to being obsessed with my weight and "not dieting dieting" and I am just not feelin' any love toward my body right now.
I hate the way I look in clothes because my stomach area has gotten so ...big. (Uh, that is why...there is no other reason.) and I don't feel ...sexy or confident in my skin.
So what am I going to do about it? Bitch and moan but do nothing as usual?
Fuck.
You know...I just realized what got me thinking about this was seeing myself in the picture taken with R & K at K's baby shower last weekend...
I really don't like how big I've gotten. Oh sure, curvy is fine but I am beyond curvy and that really bothers me.
Now please indulge me in a bit more whinging (yes, whinging...I saw this word recently and decided I would add it to the "brit" list of things that I like to say/do...) ...
Why does it have to be so bloody hard to not be fat?
Well, here's a train of thought I just decided to follow....
Learning to love myself lead to losing weight?
“I love you. You are wonderful, exactly as you are right now in this moment. You are a good and wonderful person. I know your beautiful heart. It is challenging for you right now because you are coming up against a growth area for you. Just remember how beautiful you are. You will get through this. Your evolution and growth are assured. I will help you learn how to love yourself.”
(Got this from one of the results of my Google search ....hmmm.)
And this...I should do this...
"See Yourself
This exercise is a powerful way to learn how to love yourself.
Go to a mirror and look into your eyes. Ignore whatever critical thoughts that may arise, and just focus on your eyes. Really look inside that person you see reflected there. Keep looking until you can see your tender beautiful heart."
☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯ ☯☯☯☯☯☯☯☯
It's a new day. And it's a Saturday afternoon. Earlier today I went out and had brunch w/this woman KS who I used to work with at the SPCO....
She currently lives in ORF and was here for a visit and wanted to get together. So we did. She is a really nice woman (so nice I wonder what it is she sees in my because I'm not always so nice...)
But/and now I'm not thinking about all of the things I don't like about myself.
It's the weekend and it's mine and mine alone.
I'm thinking about things I should do...laundry, sweep/mop floors, dishes, clean the bathroom and yet all I want to is just chill. And sleep.
And all that stuff I was thinking and feeling last night...well, acknowledging is the first step right?
And I can either do something about it ...and also accept it.
This is the only body I've got and it's within my power to feel better about it.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them