What a crap weekend. I've got a cold and feel fucking miserable. And while I'm stewing in my misery I can't help but think about how my life is out of control in certain areas.
But first, acknowledgement that my life doesn't completely suck. That, for the most part, I've got a lot going for me. I was able to get back and forth to CA last weekend and spent an awesome weekend with Scotty. He's a generous, loving, accepting soul and I'm glad we've managed to preserve the friendship as long as we have despite some small bumps in the road.
Yet, the visit with him, was also me running away from all of the things weighing me down right now. Literally and figuratively.
I was supposed to get back on the bandwagon in terms of taking better care of myself physically and I've basically said "fuck that" the last few weeks.
Oh not totally but enough to feel discouraged. To say "why bother?" It's a fucking mountain I've got to climb and the one step, one thing at a time approach just seems pointless.
This cold is a direct result of throwing in the towel. I spent the last week not getting enough sleep, not taking my daily vitamin and not drinking any water.
Yet I'm still obsessing over what to eat (veggies, fruit!), not eat (fast food, processed foods), drink (water, water, water) and not drink (soda.) I can't stop thinking about making better choices but then continue to make some bad ones.
And then there's worrying about money. When I'm not thinking about my health and weight, I'm thinking about how I'm thinking that I shouldn't have taken this apartment. I love it but affording it and trying to have a life too is a struggle most of the time. (I am getting raises in January but what good is more money when I can't manage it better?)
And then there is acknowledging that SD is really only going to be a very casual friend that I won't spend time with very often. It was good that I had a date for R & K's wedding but my expectations for spending time together after that were misplaced and it makes me sad because we've got shared interests and I feel very comfortable with him.
*Sigh*
I guess I just need to get my shit together don't I? Taking back control of my health and finances IS doable. I just have to focus on not wanting to feel this out of control again and do what I can to avoid it. It means self-discipline and some sacrifices.
Fuck.
Sometimes I really hate being a grown-up.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them