My self-absorption does not only include me. :P Whenever I have somebody on the phone at work named "Jason" I always have the little thought of "that can't be his name, that belongs to my brother". Weird huh? It's just that of course, growing up, it was hearing the names of "Jason and "..Sam..." so many times together in sentences and conversations ...they can't be without the other...
Thinking about him tonight because today it was my turn to help him out. And I did it w/out question. (Giving up a day at home, in my jammies is tough for me...I freely admit that) It was his turn to need some new tires. I couldn't pay for them but I could go to the place and pick them up and deliver them to him. Frickin' least I could do for the guy.
He's got a good heart buried underneath his pessimistic shell. And oh what a pessimistic shell he has. But do I really blame him? He's had the some of the worst luck of everyone I know...had more shit dumped on him than should be.
Some of the highlights include: Having a little sister breaking his favorite "Kiss" albums in half and steal his dirty magazines; Having that same little sister who could always get him blamed and punished for something she did because when the misdeed was discovered (my new favorite word) the poor boy couldn't help but smirk and she could keep a straight (innocent!) face and then there was the time when he cashed a $500 paycheck (now we can say thank god for direct deposit right?) and then LOSING that cash...and stuff like that. When taken separately, not so terrible. Shit happens right? But this guy...it comes in bunches and waves.
But he, like me, is a survivor and he keeps on keepin' on.
After we were done dealing with the tire stuff we hung out and I got to see his apartment. Ate some dinner and talked about the mess I'm in. He's afraid for me. That I'll have to go to jail. (I definitely need to call the Violations Bureau and get the details...I've been putting it off because I'm scared of what they'll say..what if it isn't just fines???) but I need to know and stop living in fear. Face up to my misdeed. *technically it's a misdemeanor but you get what I'm sayin'
We're both just doing our best to get by.
It's funny because in so many other ways we're different. Our politics and our philosophies in life. Our beliefs and our opinions. Different as night and day. But we can agree on music and movies and TV shows (and so all is not lost when we get together)
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡ ♦ ♢
Can you believe it's taken me until now, tonight, to really think that in the end, with a sibling, if you're lucky, you are forever linked and that there is nobody on the earth that knows you better from your beginning than that sibling. You can tell your friends and lovers about your childhood but they're not really gonna understand it.
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It felt good to be needed by him. And you know what I want for him the most? Love. The love of a good woman (or man if that is his secret desire! :P But I highly doubt it) who will appreciate him, take good care of him, treat him well and not take advantage of his generous spirit. (Hmmm, should I go looking for him? Hmmmm. Hm...) (um, the opposite of me and our mother...kidding!)
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When he offered to let me pay him 1/2 of what I owed him, I told him no. It's about time I became financially disciplined. I've got to stop relying on people to "rescue" me (...or is it just lending a helping hand?) and that I would find a way to make this work. But I did let him send me home with food. He's like our parental units and always likes to have things on hand in the cupboard even if he never gets around to eating them. So now my cupboard has soups, chili and mac and cheese.
And he freely gives me this stuff and all this help with no grumbling. I told him I appreciated that and he just shrugged it off. He may get mad at the universe but not at his little sister.
*Sigh
I am lucky. (Ruh-roh, did I get it all? Like in a fairytale? The fairy godmothers weren't invited to his birth but then invited to mine? Hmmm, idea for a story? Do I dare write anything other than posts for this blog?) Ha!
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡ ♦ ♢
Well now that I'm veering off into nonsensical territory I guess I'll stop here.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them