Hmmm.

I've been putting off watching this movie "Disfigured" that I read about some time ago and remember wanting to see. It's now available to watch instantly at Netflix.

Here's the "details" (courtesy of Netflix):

Disfigured
2007NR 95 minutes

Struggling anorexic Darcy (Staci Lawrence) sees herself as hugely overweight, so she's shocked when she's rejected by the members of the Fat Awareness Group, who refuse to believe they can have anything in common with the scrawny girl. But Lydia (Deidra Edwards), the self-help group's founder, realizes they're both wrestling the same demon -- weight -- in this thought-provoking look at America's body image issues.

Cast: Deidra Edwards, Staci Lawrence, Ryan C. Benson, Elizabeth Sampson, Sonya Eddy, Lindsay Hollister, Heather Brooker, April M. Walsh, Juanita Guzman, Patrick Gorman

Director: Glenn Gers

I've been putting it off because I while I have come miles in the "accept my body as it is" mindset, I've got to face some things I feel about it head on ...and all of this is courtesy of the challenges to my physical self these past few months. Especially my knees.

I was telling someone recently about the fact that I blog and what I heard myself saying is that because I've kept journals and diaries most of my life that this was a perfect format for me...a chance to create a documentation of my life in a permanent manner. (Wow, just typing that I'm thinking how enormously self-centered that sounds!) And I've never shied away from being honest in them so I certainly shouldn't be here.

And lately I've been obsessed with thinking about my weight again. It was really sparked by reading an article from a recent issue (?) of "O" magazine. One day last week Michelle and I were talking about weight issues and a co-worker overheard us and mentioned she had read this article...and she happens to have it there with her...So I read it and it was very thought-provoking. (I'd share a link but can't find one)

It was an article that contained an excerpt from a book by Marianne Williamson

"A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever"

The Publisher notes: For so many people, whether your addiction is to a substance or merely to a certain way of thinking or acting, a profound humbling occurs when you realize that your problem is bigger than you are. The terror of realizing, even dimly, that you have no control over a self-destructive pattern of behavior—that as much as you would want to, you simply cannot stop—can mark a crucial turning point in your life. At that point, you go in one of two directions: either way, way down, or way, way up. . . .

This book is for you if you know in your heart that you are an addict, and that you are powerless before your addictive behavior. As the title promises, Marianne Williamson looks at weight loss from a spiritual perspective, bringing you 21 lessons that can be done separately or in conjunction with any other serious spiritual path. These 21 lessons are completely separate from anything related to diet or exercise—they will retrain your consciousness in the area of weight in order to break the cycle of overeating, dieting, and shame that rules so many lives.

The part that really got to me about this stuff is what was written in the article that preceded the excerpt [and of course this part has crossed my mind previously] about weight being this wall we've built around ourselves. And we've got all sorts of inner/psychological reasons for keeping it. That the wall is composed of bricks, different types of bricks. Some made with sadness, some with loneliness, etc.

Years ago I acknowledged that I might be keeping on the weight to keep men away (ha! that doesn't work does it?) and this brought all of that up. I have to believe that there has been a reason for it. There has got to be a reason I put up with physical limitations and pain and if I examine the reason maybe, just maybe, it'll shift my thinking into action. Just do it will become my new ...motto in life, for life.

Anyhoo, when I got home that night I found myself going in search of not this book, but the book "It's Not What You're Eating, It's What Eating You" because that article and it's comment on the emotional part of being overweight.

I found an audio version and since super cheap, bought the audio version and listened to it.

I was kinda surprised by a couple of points I got from it. 1. That this is a book that encourages you to own up to and admit that you are a food addict (there is that food addiction thing again!!!) and 2. That there is a high correlation between the overweight and sexual abuse survivors.

The 2nd point was actually shocking to me. I had no idea that there could be a link between childhood sexual abuse and being overweight. What was kinda scary was AND how many of the sexual abuse survivor profiles items that applied to me. I took some notes while listening and here are the ones about that profile...

"in a triangular love affair with a married person (more exciting than a relationship with an available person); trouble establishing boundaries (let everyone in); obsessed with love relationships (only feel alive when seeking or receiving affection); disconnected from your body; in dealings with others manipulative rather than assertive; felt older than peers when young; abnormally high expectations of yourself; in general feel inauthentic (wear a mask).

Now, luckily for me, there wasn't sexual abuse but there were attempts. When I was around 4 or 5 my great-grandfather wanting me to touch his penis; then when around 11 being pushed down in the sand in elementary school and having a boy on top of me simulating sex; around 12 or 13 starting to dislike getting hugs from my uncle at family functions because I could swear he was feeling my bra straps when hugging me...(The authors viewpoint on that says that eating is definitely one of the only ways children can cope and/or express their feelings when they've been traumatized)

In writing about this I also realize it wasn't only that stuff. My most significant weight gain happened in my early 20's when I went from retail jobs where I was up and running around all the time to my "sit down" jobs ...I'll have that too because it was also during that time that I finally had my first significant love (well to me it was love) and was embarking on my sexual (yes, I said it) journey. All of these things coming together with an early curiosity about sex and subsequent love of romance novels all colliding to turn me into the person I am today.

Throughout my life, in one way or another, I've been hurt by men. By my biological father and his absence (not that we're talking about that right now) these relatives and classmate that tried to take advantage of me and the men I was involved with in my 20's/30's (of which B is a part of some of those years isn't he? (we're going to skip this as well for now))...my greatest want of wanting to be loved by a [boy] being blocked by the weight that put so many off.

And so here I am.

And I am obsessed with food. It definitely is the one thing that can't hurt me (!!!!) and is always there for me.

I just want to have a normal relationship with it. I need to learn how to see it for what it is, nourishment (but that has to taste good!) for my body. Really, actually make the better choices and not just talk about them. Currently all I do is think about what I'm going to be eating next and when. I probably spend more money on groceries and eating out (fast food) than I do on anything else. I'm always worried about where my next meal (and the money for it!) is going to come from. Food. Food. Food. Food.

And I don't think that is how it's supposed to be ..is it?

Am I saying that I am a food addict? *Sigh* Probably. And maybe I'll check out an OA meeting. Maybe.

(Side note: I've got thank Gabbi a bit for being willing to share her thoughts and experiences on this subject too. Reading her blog I think planted some little tiny seeds.)

I don't want to go on a diet. I don't want to be ON a diet. I don't want to go back to those years of hating my body (self). I want to learn a new way to relate to food. I want to still be a voluptuous, curvy woman but maybe be a bit less voluptuous. More plus-sized instead of super-sized?

☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡

So shall I just watch the movie already? Stimulate more dialog in my head? Because I'm sure it's going to lead to other questions and revelations, even if they're not quite as major.

Maybe.