Yes I Will

Pay $300.00 a month to never again have the thoughts of "Oh my god, I've just been in a car accident and currently have no car insurance..." and then "...my god what if they throw me in jail or what if something had happened worse than this fender bender with no apparent injuries to all parties involved?".

Car Insurance people.

Fucking car insurance. I hated that the last time I had to renew, they wanted $200 a month. So for about a year now (yes, a year) I've been gambling BIG TIME. (I've um, had a couple of other accidents in the 11 years I've been driving...but let's not talk about that (last one June '09)) "They're called accidents for a reason" "There called accidents for a reason" "There called accidents for a reason"...

It finally caught up with me. Yes, one truly does live with the consequences of their choices.

I am lying in the bed I made (as my mother would say...) (side note: you know what? I find myself saying A LOT of things MY mother said, has said to me, over the years. I never thought I'd be one of THOSE people. Hmm.)

Anyhoo...so now do I share or spare you the details? No? You're dying of curiosity? (poor choice of phrase?) Well...took PTO and left early on Saturday. (I'm being punished for all the PTO I've been taking the past couple (few?) months)

I was just trying to merge onto Hwy 62W from Hwy 77N.

Everybody. Just. Stopped.

My new 2 front tires went into action and while doing a swell job, didn't keep me from rear ending the car in front of me.

Then...see thoughts above.

Now I'll just give you some bits and bobs ...

1. They have insurance but only liability. I will be paying for the clean up of their rear bumper. Guesses on how much it'll end up being? I'm gonna throw the number of about $800 out there.

2. I will gladly pay the fines of $345 for the 2 things on the citation I received ...a. something about not driving well (but NOT the careless driving thing) -a petty misdemeanor and b. the biggie -no car insurance -which is a misdemeanor. But from what I understand from the website that represents the State of MN stuff like this, I only have to pay the fines and NOT go to court which in my mind is what my mind associates with jail (first (AND FUCKING LAST) offense helps) but I will call them to confirm. And I feel like in a way I'm getting off easy.

What if I had really injured or god forbid killed someone?

3. But fucking A. The money. I get by OK on what I make but have been so tired of feeling fucking deprived. So when that renewal came up, I thought I'd just do it for a little while, a month, a couple of months but then that turned into a year.

4. No more PTO and I'm picking up extra shifts. Fuck. Fuck. But strangely enough, tonight especially I just was really nice to everyone. Now I'm normally nice but tonight I just wasn't gonna NOT be nice. I really do truly care about our callers. And I had to say "No" and "I'm sorry that's not possible, etc." so many fucking times. I hate that. (Am I just trying to convince myself that I WANT to do this, answer these calls because I'm now gonna have to be doing it 40+ hours a week...but you know what? Forget I said that. I could have killed someone and be going to jail (?). I'm telling everyone that I'm not allowed PTO (and of course telling them all about this....the Leo in me is roaring for attention and sympathy)

5. I guess I've figured out what I think is the worst possible thing you can do in this world. Kill someone. (And it took me until NOW to figure that out? Sad or WTF?)

6. And another reason to do my job and be a responsible grown-up and stop fucking around? Really getting my financial shit together. I'm gonna owe the Saint (the fabulous has been upgraded) so much more for the rest of my life in gratitude. Having some breathing room and a continued roof over my head means the fucking world to me.

Fucking A. I really fucked up.

And I've got to get caught up on the cell and credit card bills. I HATE HATE being a month (a lousy month) behind on them. I got used to the good feeling when I paid a bill in full and on time. Addictive and oh so satisfying. I want that feeling back. (OK, OK, so it was only my cell phone bill but damn, you gotta start somewhere right? And the other ones I was keeping up with just fine)

Thank god it's now my weekend (I'm allowing myself 1 last 2 day one for at least the next 2 months if not longer)...I'm going to make sure I enjoy it.

7. And I really truly have a lot to be thankful this year and when I'm at my parent's tomorrow I'm gonna say as much -even if we aren't "celebrating" Thanksgiving. I haven't told them about this. Thought I'd get a kick of being the drama queen I've been known to be and tell them about in person.

(Oh that reminds me (and this makes me feel terribly terrible for even daring to think about something other than all of this) but I'm gonna go looking around online and see if I can find "Home for the Holidays" (Holly Hunter) and make that my new T-day movie tradition. Love that movie.)

8. I've got the greatest boyfriend in the world. While I'm sure he's disappointed in me, like everyone else so far is sympathetic, he's also so worried about me he slipped me a $50 the other morning and just held me while I fell apart a little bit. He'll make sure I still have some gas in the tank and food in the cupboard as best he can. Though I'm going to do my darndest to not need his help that often.

9. I will call the Employee Assistance Program (a courtesy of my employer and supposedly confidential) and take advantage of the legal benefit. A free 30 minute face-to-face consultation (let's hope there is someone in Minneapolis). I am scared that they might sue me or this will go beyond compensating them for the damage to their car...the traffic accident report said "1" in the "Injured" box. Fuck.

10. OK, maybe time to just NOT think about all of this for a while and just continue to be thankful that this is not worse than it is. And I will survive. And I really, again, believe that someone is keeping an eye on me.