Will I Ever Change?

It was quite the adventurous day yesterday.

I am more than ever convinced that the "big guy" is watching out for me or that I do have a guardian angel looking out for me.

Just because I've left "the religion" doesn't mean I don't have a spiritual side. I've maintained all these years since leaving it that I still believe in God and that my relationship with Him is between just the two of us. I don't need to "practice" a particular religion for it to count. And I still firmly believe that today. But I also still respect a person's right to practice, or not practice/believe however is best for them.

Anyhoo...yesterday was quite the adventure as I was saying because something finally caught up with me...

A few months ago, the right front tire on my car was in constant need of air and rather than spend the money to replace it, I just kept putting air in it. Then my brother (my big brother is a freakin' saint! But more on that later) put that stuff in it that is like a sealant but from the inside...anyway, that worked like a charm ..until yesterday. But I managed to get all the way to work AND in a parking spot before it deflated. (I used to wonder how it was people knew when something was wrong with their car just based on sound or feel but I so SO have understood that the past couple years with having the same car) ...So I get out and go look at the right tire and I can just hear it hissing and I'm watching it slowly deflate. And how freakin' thankful am I that I made it all the way to work and into a parking spot? That I didn't have it (or worse) happen while on the freeway or at the side of a road????

So I'm on the phone w/my bro right away -because he IS my go to guy for anything car related and he's totally willing, without question or giving me a hard time to not only come out to my work and "deal" with it all, he's willing to pick up new tires for me (payday is tomorrow)...

As I'm back outside to take pics for him of the flat tire and the spare in the trunk, a man walks by and stops and asks if I need help...I tell him that my brother is going to be coming out to help and he says it'd be no big deal and he could help me. So as this kind stranger, well, actually his name was John, is in the process of changing the tire, another guy comes over and makes sure that I'm OK and getting help and says he noticed stuff going on and was wondering if I needed help...how awesome is all of this?? (Um, let's not really talk about the fact that I'm 40 years old and NOT helpless and really should know how to change a bloody tire!!! :P )

Then, after work, I get the adventure of getting home.

I safely make it to the SA by my work to put some air in the "donut", I safely make it to the city streets I'm gonna take home (I now also totally will forgive slow drivers on the freeway because you know what? They might be driving on their spare "donut" tire, unable to go past 50 mph and know no other way to get home) ...and then more excitement...on my way down Hiawatha/55, I stop at McD's 'cause I'm STARVING (I didn't have any dinner) and spend my last $5 on some food and as I'm sitting in the parking lot eating, Suzette has a temperamental moment and wants to die. So I shut her off for a bit...thankfully she starts up again and back on the road we go. While I was tempted to hop onto 94W for the rest of the journey home, I take Ryan's advice (I called him and we had a chat about the situation) and stick to city streets. Now this is really going to be perilous at this point because guess what? My tank is practically EMPTY. (What the hell what I thinking? I should have spent the $5 on gas, silly woman!) ...

So I take Lake to Lyndale and as I'm driving my stomach starts to feel really really really bad. Like if I don't find a bathroom soon there is going to be a repeat of the "shit my pants" performance I had years ago when I was riding with a co-worker back and forth to a work dinner thing. (I don't know if it was the McD's that didn't sit well or the pumpkin cheesecake I had at work earlier...how long does it take for food to digest and all that..??) (Oh and there, you know now something else REALLY really embarrassing about yours truly) but then hallelujah there is a gas station on Lyndale and around 28th that I pull into that has bathrooms you don't need a goddamn key for! So I make it just in time...Whew. Anyhoo, then down by the Walker Art Center on Lyndale once again, I'm tempted to hop onto 94W but I resist and take Lyndale and get safely all the way home.

You haven't lived until you've had to drive the long long way home, on your spare tire, with a nearly empty tank of gas while having to take a shit so bad you could cry.

*Sigh*

Now I guess all of that could be attributed to luck or my not being an idiot and listening to all sorts of advice but I really think someone was looking out for me.

While my life is far from ...perfect...Somehow, I survive and things work out.

But it really does beg the question...will I ever change? And by that I mean, will I ever be a person who doesn't put things off, like getting tires replaced. Will I ever be a person who chooses to spend the last $5 I have to my name (before payday) on gas instead of food? Will I ever be a person who actually has more than $5 to their name? A person who doesn't always spend every single dime they have before the next payday? I am somehow convinced that no one else is like this. I assume everyone else is super smart and responsible with money and never gets into these kind of positions. I'm sure that's insane but there it is.

How fortunate am I that I've got these incredible people in my life who have never made me feel bad about my less than responsible ways ...that actually makes me want to be better financially because the shame I feel at being less than fiscally responsible is terrible.

I have mentioned I'm in a work in progress right?

*Sigh*

Thankfully I worked most of my hours this pay period and the check I get tomorrow should allow me to not only pay some rent but I should also be able to still get my eyes checked/get new Rx for lenses, pay Ryan back the $20 I owe him AND get some new tires for Suzette. Yahoo!

So once again, there is that feeling of someone looking out for me and it all working out because the timing of the tire stuff is NOW. It didn't happen 2 weeks ago and won't be happening in 2 weeks when both of those paychecks will be lighter than usual...

Life IS good. I just need to keep reminding myself of that when the "dark days" are here. And admittedly there have been some shadowy ones lately. I don't know if it is because of the change of seasons and that winter is officially here (SNOW!), even though it's not quite officially here yet.

You know how sometimes I copy over something that Beth/Sum of Me writes? Well I've been meaning to do that because recently she's written some stuff that really speaks to me AND once again says what I would say if I'd only known I wanted to say it as well as she did...so I'm gonna add these little gems into this post too...

"...the hibernation effect - more hours of dark, colder air, winter coming on. The bod just wants to eat and sleep and crawl into a cave." OMG so so true!!! and...

"...the creeping depression which I push back every day. (Try not to think on it. It'll eat your heart.) It's just a thing, and I suppose I'm lucky to have so much experience of hurt and things going wrong and blows to the gut and whatever else. I can easily identify now how bad it is - and isn't. I know how to keep going, one day at a time. If I've acquired no other talent in this life, i still have that. I know that you just keep slogging forward, good moments and bad, giddy and despairing depending on the minute. And every day it's a little better, so long as you don't look it directly in the face. Occasional quick darting glances in the extreme corner of your eye, that's the only way." Yup. I hear ya.

and...

"...I am embarrassingly rich in friends. To lose any one of them would be like losing a limb - including the potential for fatal hemorrhage. But I haven't forgotten that I have more excellent friends than I have limbs. And what an amazing thing that is.

In the last couple of weeks, every one of them has stepped up. Not a single one failing me when I really need a friend to act like a friend. Remember when we were teenagers, and a great friend was someone who was fun to hang out with at the mall, who made you laugh and liked the same things as you and hated the same things and kept you company in class? And all those things are still important, but wouldn't our teenaged selves be amazed at how much deeper a friendship can go as time goes on? The many ways it's tested, the times we have to give of ourselves when we think we have nothing left to give, the goodness compounded over years and erasing the little annoyances that would've killed the friendship when we were younger. I suppose it's not unlike a good long marriage, where the sheer number of years together matters as much if not more than anything else.

Anyway - I just mean that friendships - good ones that last and have real meaning - cost us something. Time and energy and chunks of our souls, in addition to couch-space when it's needed and a ride to the airport and whatnot. And my friends these last couple of weeks - they've paid the cost without flinching, eagerly. I am indebted to them, in that same currency. I am not always good at letting people be a friend to me. But otherwise, I think I'm pretty good at being a friend, myself. I hope I am, anyway."

...Yeah. What she said. While the quantity of true, close friends I have doesn't quite outnumber of the number of limbs I have, the ones I do have, the people closest to me...are worth more than their weight in gold.

Anyway, I just really wanted to share that last stuff. Wanted it to a part of this permanent record of my life that I'm creating with this blog.

Well. So enough for today. It's my day off and I'm gonna go eat something and putz around ...make some calls about tires...

ttfn.