After the disappointing birthday, weeks of only the briefest, shallow conversations, a couple of quick hook-ups and being stood up repeatedly...I've reached my limit. Last night after he finally got around to calling me and confirming that we weren't getting together that night (and it wasn't the first time he couldn't get around to telling me earlier in the day that we weren't getting together), I told him just to call me after the fair. (It's State Fair time and he LOVES LOVES LOVES the fair.) And then I wrote him an email saying I think we should take a break. I think it's for the best. Who knows what will happen afterward. Either he'll have missed me so much and he'll find a way to make some real time for me, for us or he'll just continue living his life w/out the complication of me and it will be...done. In the meantime I have my own shit to deal with.
I don't know if it's that my expectations have become just too high or that I'm being too needy. But what is a person supposed to expect out of their relationship? I am aware that I could be overreacting and being my dramatic self because I don't exactly have a whole lot else going on for me right now but I've been trying to live MY life and do things for myself. I've tried distancing myself and not getting so worked up if we don't talk everyday. But it's gone beyond that. I've repeatedly tried to tell him I don't feel connected to him. I've tried arranging it so that we have phone dates at specific times so that we can just concentrate on us and the few minutes or moments we have. I've tried to embrace the "long-distance relationship" aspect of our relationship. But IT'S NOT WORKING.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
It's now morning, Thursday, and I'm awake before bloody 10am. I want to keep sleeping but my mind is racing with a million thoughts.
It's going to be another beautiful day and I'm wondering if I'm going to spend it, as usual, by staying up in my room, being attached to this computer.
My world has gotten very small recently. Recently I did a Google search on "Facebook Addiction". Of course I found several pages of results.
What it boiled down to was that if you spent so much time on it, to the detriment of your actually living life, well, then it was a problem.
So it appears I've got myself a tiny little Facebook problem. Heading down that road anyway. I have been telling myself that playing the FB games was a way to relieve the stress from work because I get to feel some sense of control instead of helplessness...and it is...but am now beginning to think that I've gotten my priorities a bit out of whack.
I've gotten all turned around and feel like my life is out of control. I've been making poor choice after poor choice for the past few months. (Well, not all of them were poor choices) and I'm feeling stuck and trapped, in this world I've created for myself.
It wearies me to think of all the things I could be doing to make my life better. Why can't I just be content with the status quo? Content with a man who loves me, even if he can't really be with me as much as I'd like him to be. Content with being employed when so many aren't. Content with this body which has nothing majorly wrong with it. Content with how I spend my days off, relaxing and re-charging my batteries. Content with spending little bits of time with friends (actually this last bit I AM content with. I think we're all OK with the amount of time we spend together...right?)
But nope. Something is missing and I just can't quite put my finger on it. And hey, once again, John Mayer to the rescue to speak for me (about the something missing and not knowing what it is) ...take it away John...
So am I gonna get up now? Take a shower and then do some laundry? Am I gonna go anywhere and/or do something with this beautiful day? Fuck it. I'm gonna try to go back to sleep for a bit.
☮ ☯ ♠ Ω ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♡
Oh and here is a random topic...I watched episodes of MasterChef the other night and it got me thinking about my next new job. This time around, finding something in the food industry. But probably, as usual, I'll think about it and then do a little research but then do nothing after that. I'll just keep settling for this little life of mine.
P.S. It's not all bad. I've got a couple of parties coming up during the next couple of weekends that I'm looking forward to attending even if the first one is for a sad occasion because M, I's boyfriend, is moving out of state.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them