Happy Birthday to ...Me

So it occurred to me that I ought to do a post dedicated to my birthday (as it's my new thing lately to do that right?) but I'm not sure how I feel about writing it 2/3 days later.

I guess first I should tell how it went starting from my dinner w/B through the rest of that "weekend" (what I'm choosing to call this whole time from Thursday nights dinner until the end of the day yesterday, Monday)

I was right to have low expectations about what B had planned for me. As I mentioned, it was going to be later dinner than usual so that didn't bode well for the evening. What I haven't mentioned (and why I had low expectations) is that there have been some roller-coaster moments in the last month or so and I'm feeling the "disconnected" feeling again. Maybe it's just that my expectations for what a great relationship are, are out of whack. Oh wait! We've covered this territory before and I KNOW my ideas about relationships are a little...naive!

Anyway, I'm not sure it's not OK to be content with the card and dinner...shouldn't I just be happy he made a tiny bit of effort? Isn't it the thought that counts? Well of course, but the problem is that he's really outdone himself in the romance department before and so my expectations are high.

I guess it just keeps coming back to that I want to feel the love. I want to feel loved. I want to be loved by the person I'm giving all of my love to.

Our time after dinner brought some good conversation though...and since he didn't say "it" via a card, I asked him to tell me something he loved about me. He said my laugh. OK. Good (Because I already know he finds me beautiful ;) ) Then I asked him how did I make him feel? (Why we women are OBSESSED with always needing to know how our man feels is a topic we won't get into tonight :P ) and after thinking about it for a minute, he said "grounded". That I make him feel real. O K. Then we moved on to...um, other things...(And you know what? Mirrors are HOT! ;P)

I fight so hard to keep ...connected because I hate hearing stories of couples who take their relationships for granted and merely co-exist with each other. I know it's not all candlelight and roses but it's important to continue to really like each other, like talking to each other and to keep all the parts of your relationship ALIVE. So they take work don't they? And communication? Yup. So you know what? I think I'm gonna keep my expectations high. I deserve it.

Moving on...Friday was work but it was tolerable because I knew I'd have the next 3 days off so let's just skip right to Saturday. Party!

Great weather and great setting. The deck at that house is ideal for these kinds of parties.

I had the brilliant idea to have a guest-book and then I ended up using it to record some of the nights activities (in case I had so much to drink that I wouldn't remember! :P ) and then jot down other thoughts and feelings about the weekend over those couple of days. I think what I'll do is just insert some of those throughout the next couple of paragraphs.

Ryan to the rescue at the grocery store, then getting ready, then finally just stopping and enjoying the first cocktail of the night while anxiously awaiting who would show up.

Ryan and Megan did the coolest thing in that they surprised me with some decorations which really made it feel like a party.

Then as we 3 were enjoying those first drinks, Diane showed up with her hubby, Brian and her sister, Liz. Yay! Then Irma and her boyfriend Matt arrived. Later, the fabulous stopped by. It was a perfect group of people who knew me, know me, at some different stages in my life...from age 11 to now.

I think Diane must have just known how badly I needed the attention because she was really great at keeping it focused on me. Even if it meant telling some really embarrassing stories! But there was so much laughter, especially when Diane, Brian, Liz and I got into the conversation about our addiction to the FB games. I could feel the other 1/2 of our group just looking at us like we were nuts!

And the part of the evening where she asked everyone to say what they liked about me? Wow. They all had really great things to say, some funny and lots sweet. Awww. I, of course, was thrilled with that. The Leo in me was on cloud fucking 9. Being the center of attention agrees with me. :P

Between the singing of the song and with the great cards/gifts I received (see, B, it IS possible to give someone a great card! And you know what makes a card great? Not the card itself, though those can be great too, it's what you WRITE in the card that makes it GREAT) I cried that night, just a little bit.

After a little bit of rock band, it was just back to the original 3, and we decided to wind down by watching a movie "Law-Abiding Citizen" (Gerard Butler/Jamie Foxx) which was actually pretty good.

The whole night was just wonderful, start to finish. There was feeling love. I felt loved. And yes, I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I do so love that feeling.

I know such an interesting group of people and that I'm someone they care about, humbles me (well, as humble as a Leo can get! :) )

So...

"3:40 am. And then there was only one. Happy Bday to me. It's been a wonderful night. I'm now just waiting to be able to lay down w/out getting the spins. Water and ibruprofen are key."

I hate the spins. (I keep tellin' ya this is why I prefer a certain other form of ...indulgence :P )

I kept myself upright and "awake" by watching TV and then finally around 6am I thought I'd go ahead and try to crash (er, pass out who are we kidding) but it was warm and I desperately started to want my own bed with the soft sheets and the cool, air-conditioned air, so I gathered up my stuff and left a note and headed home.

I got home around 6:30 or so and because I just couldn't resist the lure of the computer (oh who are we kidding, Facebook!) I found I had present waiting for me. Jenn (my artist friend in Portland) had sent me a copy of the finished painting.

I only had one thing I wanted fixed, other than that, WOW! I wasn't sure what I was going to get out of this ...project, but I know that was part of the excitement. Seeing what someone else would see in me. (She has since informed me that it's on it's way to me and as soon as I get it, I will post the copy she sent me as my new "picture" here) ...it's beautiful. Is it me? I'm not sure but I sure like the idea that it is and it isn't.

Anyhoo, so after passing out for a few hours, I woke up to a day free of plans. I never got around to making plans for the actual birthday. And it turned out to be OK that I didn't have any and gave myself permission to have a total ME day w/out apologies or guilt.

I called my Mom (she told me that she missed that I didn't call her the year before and "thank her for giving birth to me") and we actually had a really nice conversation.

"Just got off the phone w/my Mom and she [reminded?] me that I [actually] came earlier than expected. They had to induce labor because of her heart problems and following shortly thereafter surgery! So that shifts, a wee bit, my perception of July 25. Now it is also/only the day I arrived -but [that day] just as easily could have been July 29 or even August 1...or...or... I, of course knew that, know that's the case for all of us. We arrive when we arrive. But I never contemplated it quite like this before.

I told Mom that that might explain a lot -why I've felt my life has been a bit ..."off" ha ha. Is she right that at 40, I'm officially a grown-up? And how do I feel about that?

do I like the thought that I'm at least NOT going to be one of those 40-somethings who DO have the spouse/house/kids who starts to wonder and ask themselves "Is this all there is?" and have a mid-life crisis [or is that just a cliche or just because of that Talking Heads song?] Awesome.

My choices and road ahead are still mine and mine alone.

And you know what else I love? That 40 is a nice round number. A fresh start of sorts."

So I didn't end up doing anything on Sunday but deal with my hangover, play around on the computer and enjoy junk food for dinner. And I'm so happy that that was enough. I think I decided I was NOT going to throw myself a self-pity oh-I'm-so-alone party after I'd just had the fabulous one the night before.

Monday was a day spent keeping Ryan company and helping him out a little bit as he had injured his back playing basketball the day before. I was glad I had the day off to be there for him.

Today. Back to work. And I'm now officially in "40 land". And so far, so good. But it's early days yet. Stay tuned.