Facebook friends can be pretty awesome (too.) I had more to say about this but have lost my train of thought, so will just leave it at that.

---

Was telling the roommate tonight about how I liked some silver tinsel she had draped in the dining room and that it reminded me of when we did celebrate Christmas when I was a child. There was tinsel and a real tree and mom making candles out of our used crayons and of course presents....

Good memories those. I really missed it something fierce the first year we didn't celebrate. (Stop me if you've think you've heard this [one] before) and if I remember correctly, I was a total brat.

But it was that we never had a lot of money and Christmas was about getting presents...stuff. As I got a little bit older, too old for toys, it was still cool because it was still new stuff...even if it was only new clothes.

I didn't really think about what it was supposed to be symbolizing. It was just about the presents. And the extra yummy food. And getting together with all of my aunts, uncles, cousins and the grandparents who were both still alive at that point. Eating Lefse, swedish meatballs, turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, pie...oh so much yummy pie. (Pausing a moment to go and get a snack now. Just kidding. Will do that after I'm done with this post. :P )

Little did I know the adults were all smoking, drinking and drugging (pot, prescriptions, etc.) their sorrows away and that terrible things were locked up into closets that my mother would finally bust the lock on when I was in my early 20's. Oooh the scandals and evils!

But the years passed and forgiveness soothed some souls but things were never the same again. A few years after my grandma died, grandpa re-married (nice lady, who also preceded him in death, how sad is that?) and there was a small reunion of sorts at the wedding and reception. Then, a year or so after that, we all got together for a family reunion that brought my aunt Mindy down from up near Alaska in Canada ...then it took the death of my uncle Herman, a few years ago, to bring the family back together again. Then the death of my uncle Philip. And then the death of grandpa was what brought Mindy down again. And it'll take the death of the other siblings to bring the rest of the family together again. There was just no going back to the way things were for everyone.

So I'm just choosing to think fondly upon the family get togethers that I saw through my young and mostly innocent eyes.

So back to where I was before I went off on that tangent...parent's got into the religion and we stopped celebrating Christmas and that was a big deal because it meant no more of those get togethers (they kept going on without us of course for another few years, until my grandma died) and no more presents...

You know what? I think I've just decided to forgive myself for being a brat and angry about the discontinuation of our celebrating it.

I hated being poor and having to buy clothes from thrift stores. (Little did I know that one day, when I was grown up, that some of my current favorite clothes would come from a consignment shop!) and I hated never having enough stuff like my friends did. (Then again I always coveted my friends possessions starting around age 6 or so...story for another day perhaps?) and then when I was old enough to start earning my own money, I was really great at spending every dime I earned almost as fast as I earned it (gee, THAT actually has changed has it?) ...I needed stuff! I could pay for it, so I bought it (whatever it was)

Well...ahem...moving on. So when I left the religion for good, only about 17 years ago or so, I made a new world for myself, made a new family and yet, celebrating Christmas again never seemed that important.

I admit I also never a made a big deal out of it because I was either too poor (or too cheap?) to be able to buy presents for everyone I'd want to buy presents for.

But I've participated in Secret Santa exchanges and got a thrill out of that...so whats my deal?

In reflecting on all of this, it actually occurred to me that I am still given gifts all the time from my family, friends, B and the universe.

I've got a roof over my head that actually feels like my home, a job, a car that runs, great friends, food in the cupboard and I'll say it again, so much love in my life.

So should I really celebrate Christmas? Well, if I decided to make a big deal about it, I still wouldn't be doing it for the reason you're supposed to be doing it for. Christ was not born December 25th (this has been supported by the world NOT inhabited by Jehovah's Witnesses, thank you world) ...I would be doing it for all of the non-religious reasons...but then again, the things that I associate with Christmas also include the watching of the Charlie Brown special (actually did I mention that I watched this again recently...and saw it differently than I did as a kid...another case of child vs. adult view...e.g. those kids could be mean...and they were all such little adults...and...and...and...); Frosty the Snowman; Rudolph, etc. I don't know that I would get a real tree though...I'm quite content with my Farmville tree...

I would enjoy the cookies and other yummy treats. And yes, I would enjoy actually giving real gifts to people. (Seriously, people, what would you want????)

<- <-

Well, um, maybe this year, they're just gonna get my love because I've got to hang onto some cash in case I can get to Madrid. Actually the flights over look OK right now...it's the ones back home that worry me. But I'll see if I can't get a couple of days off around that time, to have a safety zone. (And as long as the car keeps running and the cat keeps on livin'...)

Eeek. It's 4am already and even though it's "Friday", I should think about winding it all down. Right? Right.

nighty night.