Summer 2018

I know it’s been awhile since I posted....again. It’s been a …interesting (to put it mildly) summer so far.

The biggest news…Pop’s lung cancer metastasized and spread to his pancreas and he’s now been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer…stage IV and it’s terminal.

So now he’s living on borrowed time and every day is truly a gift.

The crazy thing is that, really, every day is a gift for all of us because you just don’t know what will happen. (Just realizing as I type this that staying home, safe in my little apartment in the sky is even more important now...no chance of getting hit by a bus, etc. Ha!)

The difference though between assuming you have a future and knowing there is an expiration date is the difference between night and day.

So far, since the PC news…it’s been one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

There have been a couple of hospital stays when his pain has just become overwhelming and he's had to learn to give up on trying to protect the ones he loves from seeing him in pain.

There’s been a visit from J & G from England…to visit and [probably] say goodbye. (The silver lining of that visit is that we got to know each other better and I truly can call them family now and that’s a gift in itself.)

So many emotions and they’re all over the place. Anger, disbelief, sorrow, heartbreak, denial…and love…so much love. How great that I am getting a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much I’ve appreciated his being my father. Nothing can prepare you for knowing that you’ll have to say goodbye to someone before you’re ready to.

But that’s not the only big news. The other bit of big news is that while he’s living with an expiration date…he’s giving love a 2nd chance and is getting married again! This Saturday in fact!

He had very casually mentioned that he was interested in someone before but didn’t say very much because understandably I was freaking out a bit, mom has not even been gone 4 years yet.

But now that the PC is here…it changes everything. Not that I wanted him alone but…

I actually did meet her before I knew about this burgeoning relationship. The day before I left on my last trip to AMS (Utrecht) to meet C (and did I even tell you about that trip??) …when Pop was in the hospital with the pain in the abdomen that led to the diagnosis of the PC, she was there. I didn’t remember her name but when I did finally meet her, I realized it was her.

He told me that he’d been getting to know her…they’ve been getting to know each other, over the last year or so while out in service and in other social settings. He said when he woke up from the lung cancer surgery, she was there. He decided to just ask her if she would be interested in dating him with a view to getting married in the future. She said yes. Then, once the PC diagnosis came along, he backed off. Told her that it wouldn’t be fair to go forward with the relationship, knowing that there is an expiration date sooner rather than later. She wouldn’t let him. She’s willing to spend the rest of his life with him and take care of him until the end.

Fast forward 1? 2? months later…and now…a wedding!

I am truly happy for him. Really, I am. I have asked myself if I would I be still be happy if he wasn’t living on borrowed time? I’d like to think so.

*Sigh*

He’s also going to be starting this next…last…phase of his life at a new address. Now that he can no longer work, he’s moving to a cheaper apartment. And now that he will be married to a woman who is signing up for one hell of a ride …my brother will go and help out with Grandma P. She had a stroke and is herself doing poorly…worse than Pop according to J. There is even talk that J may be able to stay in the trailer she lives in. That would be a huge benefit to him …now if he could just find a job that he likes and will stick with for a long time. We’re definitely late bloomers, him and I. It took me until my 40’s to really get my shit together. I hope he’ll eventually get there himself. And I hope for his sake, his wife does get here.

My birthday came and went…with a few little celebrations but tinged with sadness because of what’s going on w/Pop. I spent time with R & K and the boys and as they were singing me HB …I started to cry a little bit realizing that after Pop is gone…while J is still around, my closest family (physically and emotionally) will be them.

E sent me a wonderful birthday card and the FB wishes were very nice and meaningful especially since I’ve culled my friends list down to mostly people who actually I want to stay in touch with.

B initially did better this year than some past…he called me that morning …but then had to bail on getting together that night because he forgot about something he promised his daughter he’d do with her…but then he came by later that night and brought me 3 really really great cards and I at least got a birthday hug and kiss from him. And then we had our date the next night.

Speaking of B…I just love that man more and more every day. The previous week, he brought me over to Minneapolis to see what he’s been dealing with and then afterward, we went and had some food. It was like how it was before we started spending our dates at my place. Being out with him, just being a normal couple made me so happy. I want it all with him…and so…6 more years until A is 18 and our lives can come together, permanently, for the rest of it of whatever time we have left.

I wrote a poem (a bad one) that summed up my feelings about him and his presence in my life right now…

Calm
In the middle of the storm,
you are my oasis of peace and tranquility.
Your love surrounds me and lifts me up when all I want to do is sink down into the gray.

And then, up, I strut and hold my head up high and bask in your adoring gaze -that also sees ME.

Emotions all over the place,
highs and lows
And there is you. Talking me down.

Thank fucking god for you.

That, of course, only if some other tragedy doesn’t happen…as in…one of us loses our lives. I have to keep reminding myself, that all we’re ever only guaranteed is the day we’re dealing with.

So here I am…truly learning to live in the moment and just get from one day to the next.

I’ve been getting great support from friends and such…but I’m also realizing…I probably do need some other kind of help…I’m holding the depression off…barely. That I get out of bed and get to work in a day is my main accomplishment. I’ve stopped giving a fuck about taking care of myself. Swimming? I’ve been once in the last couple of months (going to the pool here in my building doesn’t really count in the exercise department…) and forget about watching what I eat consistently. I am eating my emotions and trying to drown my sorrow in ice cream and pizza.

It’s like I just don’t care about myself anymore. In my more dramatic moments, I’ve said, if Pop’s not here, then I don’t want to be either.

I know I have so much to be grateful for and so much to live for so I'm not really worried I'll do something crazy but when I do have that moment of thinking about him not being here...I have to squelch it and HARD. Shove those thoughts deep into the depths of my soul.

Aunt S has been a great source of comfort and support but also honest. She really got to the heart of the matter in regards to losing Pop…it’s harder when it’s the parent you love the most. I loved mom…a part of me has been missing since she’s been gone…but losing him? It's the unthinkable.

I can’t bear the thought of him not being here. Even though we don’t talk every day, he’s …there. He’s been there…for over 40 years of my life. He’s daddy. I know I’m lucky that I’m getting time with him and we’re getting to still make some good memories and there won’t be anything unsaid or unfinished between us (except for ballets unattended :'( ) when he leaves this mortal coil.