Well this is interesting

B is off on his one annual vacation. I hate this time of year. While I always understand how much he needs the break...and deserves the break, especially this year after the losses he’s suffered, how much am I jealous he's on yet another fucking cruise with THEM. I want to be the one he’s on vacation with. And I miss him so much. Not being able to just call him whenever I want. And I’m so tired sometimes of having to reconnect all over again.

*sigh*

And it’s especially frustrating this year because knowing we have a real future together, there are that many more things I want to do with him. I want to be his partner in life and be there through the good and bad times...I should be on that boat with them.

But of course, because I’m also still the me that cherishes my freedom and independence, while I’m unhappy I’m not with them, I'm also appreciating the freedom that I do get to do what I want, when I want...like hopping over to Amsterdam for a few days next month -with N and her daughters and step-daughters (including one she had a rough ”middle” with.)

(It doesn’t help I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go on a cruise ever since I saw the Love Boat. And how much do I dislike the thought that when B and I are finally really together, that I’m not going to want to go on a cruise with him because it’s what he did with HER and our relationship, our marriage, is going to be nothing like theirs.)

So speaking of the NL ...I just randomly sent a message to this man who livwe in Rotterdam (apparently it's not that far from Amsterdam) ...

This man, C, runs a website called “Curvy Shrine” and he’s a FA. He’s also put out hundreds of videos on You Tube. He’s a very attractive man, openly speaking about his love of BBW and SSBBW women. He’s a rarity amongst men. In this day and age there are still not very men willing to shout it to the world that they love a big girl. Finding a man who does is like finding a diamond in a pile of silver.

I can’t remember what I was looking for exactly when I came across his site but it was a breath of fresh air.

I haven’t watched any videos or looked at the website in a couple of years but in thinking about going to Amsterdam and knowing this guy is now on FB, I reached out to him and sent a message.

He wrote back and so we chatted for a bit. Talking with a man who you tells you that he finds you attractive is thrilling and scary all at the same time. There has really been only one man who has loved the body that I come with. B. Oh sure, there have been other men, who like ME but not necessarily the body like B does and that was a huge step in my own self-acceptance but lately I’ve really struggled to be OK in my own skin.

I had a session with Heather and we talked about something we had only talked about a little bit in previous sessions, that really, it’s time I released the weight...not lose...if you lose something, you want to find it...so yes, release the weight. I don’t need it anymore. And I found myself saying as much to this man last night in my message...

...[There is] Too much of me. There doesn't need to be that much of me ...I don't need my body to say "hey pay attention to ME" anymore - wanting to be invisible AND seen at the same time is exhausting.”

And it’s true. There is too much. It’s too much. And it is exhausting.

It’s such a fucking hard climb, lifting myself out of this deep fat pit I’ve sunk into. I’m swimming 3 x’s a week but I’m struggling with eating better. Last night..1/2 a bag, a big bag, of Cool Ranch Doritos and 2 pieces of key lime pie after a flatbread cheese pizza (that could easily serve 2 people)...I have joked that I’m eating my emotions and I actually think it’s not a joke. Emotional eating is definitely a thing...and I’m eating because I’m frustrated with how things are at a standstill in my relationship and how helpless I feel when it comes to him. We have a future but who knows when it’s going to become a reality and so I’m living in limbo land with no control over any of it.

So there is my control...I can control what goes into my body, be it bad or good things.

On the CS website, he posted an interview with a woman who had really good advice that I need to incorporate into my own journey of self-acceptance and love;

So yes, seeing yourself through the eyes of an FA is (or: would be) effective in terms of gaining self-confidence. BUT it should be complementary to building confidence, not THE way to build confidence. It should strengthen the confidence you already have, not establish the confidence in the first place.

And, this...powerful reminder...

By realizing and knowing that I am a person, first and foremost. I know that I am a loving, caring, kind person who has a lot to offer. I am also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover and so many more things. Nowhere in that list, do I define myself as a BBW. I’m fat. Yes. There’s no denying that. But it doesn’t defineme as a person. Just like my brown eyes don’t define me. My curly brown hair doesn’t define me. My shoe-size doesn’t define me. I choose not to define myself in those terms. I choose to define myself as a well-rounded (no pun intended) person instead. My weight definitely is part of that.

I woke up this morning all fired up after thinking about my conversation with this guy and where it led my thoughts to and so the first thing I did was send a message to that man...last night we had been chatting and then we stopped...granted it was around 5am for him with the time zone difference but the conversation just stopped abruptly after I thought it had been going well...I even thought that it was my showing my vulnerability and that I wasn’t a self-confident woman that that made him reconsider continuing his conversation with me but then I realized that probably wasn’t it and that I really don’t care what he thinks.

So this is what I sent him this morning...

....Hellllllloooooo - so good afternoon to you, good morning to me...after we chatted last night, I went and reacquainted myself with some of your videos and took a look at the some of the new content on curvy shrine. Loving the updates. You really do advocate for us BBW/SSBBW women don't you? And I bet there are hundreds (if not thousands) of plus size ladies just wishing they could find someone like you ...or just have YOU...you definitely are in the minority being a man who openly a FA. (I am sure you are aware of the power that gives you when it comes to how you interact with your fans yes? 😏) Us fat girls are such a messed up bunch...even if we do gain some confidence, it's a daily struggle to maintain it. You give us hope that not all men want a size 2. Thank you for your contributions in showing us there are some great guys out there...and thanks for the chat last night. I said some things I really need to take a deeper look at. I'm still finding out where I want to be physically...I don't need to be a size 2 but I'm not feeling like being a size 28 is doing me any favors either. I'm ready to release some of this weight because it's not serving me in a positive way anymore. It kept me safe...in some ways...but now, it's getting in the way of my being my best self. I think that really is at the heart of what you're trying to help us with...accepting and loving ourselves. That there is nothing wrong with us.

And I really meant it. This is where I’m at.