2018 is almost here...

As the end of 2017 nears, I just had to reflect on how this past year has been. I’ve got so much to be thankful for that I almost can’t stand it.

In no particular order...

1. Love
2. Health
3. Friends
4. Family
5. Work

Well...OK so maybe there is some order....

Love. I’m more in love with B every day, every week, every month and every year. I finally found THE date when it became clear that we just couldn’t stay away from each other. 9/25/2003. We have so much history and I couldn’t remember the exact date when he called me after getting the postcard telling him how to find me and life as I knew it would never be the same.

As I previously mentioned, there is a real future for us and that we started the conversation about it makes what feels like a dream feel more real. I want it so much and I’m overjoyed and giddy and a little bit scared all at the same time. That little bit of fear isn’t going to keep me from my new mantra though...that the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.

As of right now, I’m wearing his promise of our future together on my right hand and it fills my heart with so much joy and happiness to think about what's ahead for us. I will acknowledge again that it won’t be easy getting there for either of us but we’re both ALL in.

Health. I’m not only taking it more seriously and doing something about it for myself but because now I have that future with B and his daughter to look forward to. I do want to grow old with him. (And yes of course I want to watch my nephew's grow up R!) I used to not think about it...or care about it very much...just getting from one day to the next...surviving as I’ve had to do all of my life in one way or another ...and the future was something only thought about in a very abstract way. Having the problems with my ass haven’t helped. It’s been a challenge making plans for the future because I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it. I still have the fuckula and Wilbur but things are calm right now and while I will see what happens next and what my surgeon recommends, I can handle it. Working with H, my Reiki healer, has been amazing. Yes, amazing. Peeling back layers of things I’ve been hanging on to emotionally and letting them go and realizing that I’m not my medical problems has made a huge difference in my life. Also, learning to let go of whatever it is that is sabotaging my attempts to take better care of myself (lose weight) because it’s no longer serving me. Even right now as I type this...I’m having that “a-ha!” moment...being this size, this weight hasn’t prevented me from getting hurt, feeling sad, feeling depressed and having bad shit happen to me. It’s done nothing but become my excuse to hide out from the world.

So...the changes have begun. I’m actually going over to the Y and I find that I really do enjoy the swimming for exercise. When I’m in the pool, I feel no pain. Besides the obvious benefits of just feeling better overall, when I think about all of the many good reasons to get healthier...taking trips with friends and family and not having to stop and rest every block and being able to keep up with my nephews ...I want it and I want it bad. I can still be ME even if there is less of me. I can still make a statement with my personality and who I am and who I am doesn’t have to be the fat person I am today. Yes, fat. I’m OK with curvy, plump, full-figured...but I don’t want to carry all of this weight anymore. It’s heavy and exhausting.

So my new life is that going swimming after work is just what I do. The food/eating part of this equation is a work in progress but I’ll get there. “It took a long time to gain this weight, it will take a long time to lose it again” but instead of focusing on that I just have to just take it one day a time and keep getting back on the horse when I fall off. I will admit though that I do have the dream of one day stepping out of the pool and all of a sudden pounds have just melted all away.

I’m not going to let fear of success derail me either. In the past, if I’ve lost weight and someone has noticed/commented, it freaked me out...like uh-oh, I’m losing my shield, I better put it back up!!!!

I’ve also quit smoking again. Well, smoking at home anyway...I went to visit S in San Diego weekend before last and I allowed myself to have them there but I didn’t smoke as much as I normally have in the past (I think I mentioned it was the same when I visited S in November yes?) and it really helps that it’s winter-time and there is no place outside with super easy access like at my last apartment to go. Mentally, I still need to work on this. For the time being, since it’s not easy to do (and they’re not easy to get) and as long as I don’t think about it, I can do it. So moving on...

Friends. I’m so lucky to have the friends I do. Their support and encouragement is priceless. It’s such a gift to have people in your life that you can be yourself with.

Family. There has been some problems between Pop and J but I’d like to think they’ll get past them. And I’m reserving true judgment of his wife until I meet her...if I ever do.

Work. How incredibly lucky am I to be working the job I love, from home..especially on these cold winter days. If I want to continue doing the job I’m doing, I will have to interview for it at some point but I’ll cross that bridge once I get to it. Today I did have the random thought about what it might be like to go back to working in the office but it quickly went as fast as it came.

I’m actually a little overwhelmed with how good my life is right now. I used to think I was stuck in place but I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m feeling hopeful and just taking the baby steps to keep moving forward. I still have work to do on getting out there and and putting myself back out there into the world and participate in life but I’m on the right track.

And also next...finding ways to give back to others.