It's 3:30am and I should be asleep...I got up about a 1/2 hour ago to "do my business" and couldn't go back to sleep right away so I decided to check my phone...email, texts and FB...looking for the birthday wishes I know are waiting for me (none, none and 7, so far!) and one of the 7 FB birthday wishes was from my uncle Cliffy (he'll always be Cliffy to me, not Cliff)...
What? You say? Your uncle Cliff(y)? You've never mentioned him before. (Well there are a few family member I haven't mentioned but I digress)...
Anyway, as I wrote in my FB message to him (after "Friend request" sent) there is nothing like something really sad happening to re-connect with family. I got a call last Saturday from my brother informing me that my uncle Clinton had passed away.
Now this is perfect description of the whole "threw the baby out with the bathwater" thing...
Many many years ago...decades in fact...my grandfather -the asshole sperm donors father -started to criticize my mothers parenting/character and I wasn't going to stand for it...at the ripe young age of 12 or so, I decided to stop spending time or even talk to my grandparents. In fact I stopped talking to EVERYONE on that side of the family.
My mother may not win any mother of the year awards for the kind of mother she was when I was growing up, but she is MY mother and nobody criticizes her!
I walked away and didn't look back. I buried all of the good memories...spending time at their house with my brother on holidays and during the summer, watching soaps, eating good food, getting presents at Christmas and on my birthday, having a crush on my uncle Cliffy (he was a teenager and the "cutest boy I'd ever seen") and playing with my grandmas dogs, Peppy and Poochie.
I cut them ALL out of my life. The aunts, uncles and cousins from THAT side of the family all because of the only 2 rotten ones in the bunch. Wait, now that I think about it, there may have still been a tiny bit of contact with Clinton but the details are fuzzy at the moment.
My mothers side of the family became even more important because their rottenness was hidden and not directed at my mother and on the surface all was wonderful...wait, not gonna necessarily gonna go there at this time, this is not about them...
Anyhoo....fast forward 20? or so years....my grandpa on THAT side of the family passed away and while I sent my grandma a sympathy card, I didn't go to his funeral or service.
And now here we are and all I can taste is regret that I didn't have a chance to know my uncle Clinton as an adult. I remember him being nice. He was a good guy. And my uncle Cliff? He posted a very nice birthday message on my FB page. Apparently HE'S not holding any grudge (I'm also assuming this since he accepted my friend request) and seems to be still the nice guy I remember him to be too.
So I've already decided I'm going to go the service for him. It's next week and I'm sure it's going to be a very very very emotional night. While it's not about me...it's about celebrating his life...it IS about me letting go of old hurts and embracing family I haven't seen or talked to in years.
*sigh*
OK...now that I've gotten this stuff all down, I think I should try to go back to sleep now. I've got to be up in 4 1/2 hours and get my butt into work. And today will be a FUCKING great day. My co-workers have also already been showing me the birthday love and there will be lots more today. And then tonight...spending time with my BFF's. R, K & E along with N...who yes, has become a BFF.
So woo hoo...hello 44!
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them