I haven't been to work all week.
I'm just feeling...out of sorts and my back is acting up. And spending time with myself is giving my brain way too much free time to think about my life and about the relationship w/B.
I don't doubt the love he feels for me but the reality is that this is as good as it's gonna get.
I've made some compromises and while I can normally live with them...I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't have.
This is the first time I've ever had a man love me like he does...loving me for just the way I am. My physical self is loved. My emotional self is loved. My personality is loved. Even when I push and push and get all crazy in my head, he loves me. And the fear that he is going to someday stop loving me...I don't feel that at all.
But the reality is that I live off of crumbs of his free time. I am not number one (hell, I don't feel like I'm even in the top 5 half the time.)
I've been able to live with not being the woman he proposed to, married and is raising a family with but now I'm also having to face another reality right now and that is that when things go to shit in his life? Forget it. I really don't exist. I don't get share in the burdens weighing him down and get to be there to support him. The one thing I CAN do and I don't even get to do that.
And all of this is swirling around in my brain right now combined with how I felt recently spending time with R/K & E and being reminded of how happy they are and then finding out that a former co-worker, S, got engaged to her boyfriend (who recently finally got divorced) and has a daughter he has custody of that she has a great relationship with.
All around me people who get to have open and honest relationships. I see people being brave and walking away from marriages that are not working for them. I see people being free to love and be with the person they love.
I won't lie though...in some ways it sure is easy to be in a relationship like this...I get to be selfish and not do anything I don't want to do. I don't have to answer to anyone other than myself. I don't have to be responsible for anyone other than myself.
So I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Am I ...broken? I feel like I'm seriously fucked up. And I wonder if I am capable of being the kind of person who can be mature enough to be in a real relationship with someone and be responsible for others. What is wrong with me that I accept what little time is given to me? Why do I not refuse to have anything other than an open and honest relationship?
I feel like I'm so bogged down in thinking about things I feel are wrong with me (my size, too lazy, too unmotivated, etc.) and I can't get past any of it. I can't find the strength to pull myself out of this pit of self-criticism. How ironic that he loves me, flaws and all but I don't love myself.
I know there are things I can do...taking it a step at a time in moving forward and addressing the things I feel I need to make better in my life...get back to work, get back to the gym, etc. but those things just feel so hard to do right now.
And on top of all of this...I'm so tired. So very tired.
OK, so maybe the depression is kinda rearing it's ugly head right now.
*sigh*
Did I mention how tired I am?
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them