Comfort in the Past and Late Night Thoughts

It's going on 1am as I start to write this and I really should be going to bed.

But somehow, someway, I've found myself watching various musical performances on You Tube.

Starting with "Midnight City" by M83, then watching part of (if not all) a bunch of versions of "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd -videos where Bob Geldof, David Bowie and Kate Bush sang Roger Waters part and videos where Van Morrison and Eddie Vedder sang David Gilmours part. And then I of course had to check on a version done by the Scissor Sisters...

I think "Comfortably Numb" has got to be one of the greatest songs of ALL time. And the version with both Roger Waters and David Gilmour really is the best.

And then ...Tears For Fears. A band I've loved for almost 30 years, who've been part of most of my teenage years and are still a favorite today.

Ah, yes, TFF.

And so now I'm "watching" their live performance [DVD] "Going to California". I had the videotape a couple of decades ago and lent it to someone and never saw it again.

I have loved them since I was 15 years old. Since 1985. Wow. Just typing that makes me feel old.

I had heard "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" on American Bandstand and while the lyrics didn't speak to me like other pop songs did (you know, the ones that had lyrics that I could relate to as a boy-crazy teenage girl that were all literal about love and heartbreak) there was something about this song. The music and the melody was catchy. And who are we kidding, it didn't hurt they were cute and English (have I mentioned I have a thing for men from the U.K.?) ...

So with babysitting money burning a hole in my pocket, I asked my brother to stop in to our local KMart to pick up the cassette tape for me (he worked at the Wendy's right next door and was driving/had a car.)

 "Songs From The Big Chair"

While the whole cassette was filled with mostly too-deep-for-me-at-15 lyrics other than "Head Over Heels", I was crazy about their music. I had never heard anybody like them (and don't think I've really ever heard anyone else like them since, almost 30 years later.)

I was lucky enough to see them in concert.  The one time was with both Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal. (I went with.... ? Byron? Robin S.? Ack, I don't remember! but I do remember it was at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium downtown St. Paul.) Then I later saw [them?] when it was just Roland but he was still using the TFF name. (They had an ugly "break up" in the ....let's just say the 90's and then got back together for an album in the 00's and while they took another break, it wasn't a permanent one because they're finally currently working together on a new release.) (That time it was at First Ave. and while that was an awesome concert, I had a miserable time because I had bought two tickets and the person I was supposed to go with (?) couldn't go and I couldn't find anyone else last minute so I did yet another thing alone. I won't moan and groan right now about all of the many many many things I've done alone in my life because that would be A. boring and B. a rehash of the past and who needs that?)

Anyway, the particular songs on this video that make me ...swoon (there is no better word for it than that) are songs from their last release before the break-up -"Seeds of Love"; "Woman in Chains" (because I am) "Famous Last Words", "Bad Man's Song" and "Year of the Knife."

Roland Orzabal has such a powerful and sexy voice. He has the power to almost bring me to tears.

Then again it wouldn't take much right now.

It was a rough week. I found myself staying home for most of it. I just realized right now that when I do this, this not going to work thing, it's because I need to hide and be sad and not put on a "happy" face. (Why must they all ...notice my "happy" face? Why do I feel like I have to put on a happy face? Because it's what I'm known for? Hmm. Something else to think about.)

Mom went back into the hospital last week and it was really bad for about 3 days before they figured out what was wrong with her. She was in so much pain that she was literally screaming whenever she would make a move of any kind.

She went in on a Wednesday and I spent that entire first day with her and seeing her in that much pain and there being absolutely nothing I could do about it was one of the most awful experiences I've had. 

By Friday there was talk of Pop putting her out of her misery.

I had to give her some tough love and ask her to not just talk the talk with her faith but to walk the walk. She has so much faith in that religion and in ...Jehovah, well, she needed to think about what it would mean if she took her own life. She needed to put her faith in Him and ask him for help. But I also told her (and this is what got me on the edge of hysterical bawling) that I would support her whatever she wanted to do. At this point, we were all thinking they were never going to figure out what was wrong with her and she had nothing to look forward to.

They FINALLY figured out it was gout -again. But this time around, a rare kind that also affected her back and shoulders. Turns out she stopped taking her gout medicine about 4 months ago.

4 FUCKING months ago. Shit.

No wonder she's been...deteriorating. At their anniversary party she didn't get out of her chair.

She thought she didn't need to take it anymore and was tired of having to take so many pills.

She'll never do THAT again!

Anyway, she's getting better everyday and this past Tuesday they moved her into a rehab/transitional care/nursing home until she's strong enough to go home.

And we've got to get her out of there. I went for a visit on Thursday and ...maybe it's ...not a big deal, but the smell. I can't quite describe it but it's ...unpleasant. (Have I ever mentioned my overly developed sense of smell?) I spent my fair share of years around nursing homes growing up between Pop working as a nursing assistant and Mom being a social worker -both in nursing homes, not hospitals and I think I must have blocked that smell out (though just thinking about it now I'm "smelling" it.)

It was also seeing so many elderly people looking so ...old and worn down.

My mother doesn't want to end up in a nursing home and so we've got to keep encouraging her to get as strong as she can so she can do more for herself and ease the burden on Pop. (Turns out my brother being there does help but not as much as I think we'd all hoped he would.)

So it's over a week later and I'm ...exhausted. Emotionally drained.

Worrying about her overwhelms/overwhelmed me and I just shut down this week. I didn't intend to miss as much work as I did but 1 day of PTO turned into 3 and then today I took a vacation day and am feeling physically a wreck. My back and knees are not doing so well.

I have to acknowledge that emotions I've been feeling might have been amplified by the pill. I started taking it again to try to get my cycle regular (TMI, I know but tough titties, this is my blog) and if I'm figuring it out correctly (and it works within a matter of weeks) this past week would have been the week of PMS.

Either way, things are looking up and I've got to get myself back to work on Monday and let life get back to normal.

But I also need to figure out why I'm so stubborn and refuse to change my mind about things I need to re-evaluate. I'm fighting a losing battle and keep hoping things will change on their own. I am clinging so desperately on to things that aren't doing me any good in the overall grand scheme of things.

There are things I want for my life and I have a million and one excuses for why I'm not doing anything about making those things happen.

Or maybe I just need to let it all go and stop thinking so much about all that's wrong and focus on what's right and just stop worrying so much.

Or maybe a little of both. Accept what is but make some small changes? Hmm.

*sigh*

Well, it's now almost 2am and I think I'll finally call it quits.

G'night.