It's my birthday next week and I'm re-evaluating my life, yet again. I'm on vacation for the whole week next week and I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with myself. And I'm now thinking a little soul-searching is in order.
Part of me thinks I should be taking advantage of my flight benefits (I always think this) but I don't really have a lot of cash to spare. And where would I even go? I've been given great suggestions about bus tours and I've thought about flying somewhere where I could just take public transportation from the airport to some beach or other body of water for swimming or a boat ride.
I could ask S about visiting him in San Diego but I really don't want to open myself up to what I'm sure would be some eventual criticism of some kind.
I could see about visiting my aunt in FL but her life is such a mess and I'm barely hanging on these days emotionally. I'm so inside my head and am finding it hard to get out of it.
Yes, I'm very lucky in that I have a week of paid vacation. Yes, I'm lucky that I have a job. Yes, I'm lucky that my parent's are doing OK health-wise right now. Yes, I'm lucky I have a more affordable roof over my head (though the lack of air-conditioning is killing me. I may be OK with my size most of the time but not during these hot humid days we've been having. I'm cooking in my skin.)
Yes, I'm lucky that I have really good friends in R & K. And lucky that I have some really great co-workers.
But at the end of the day, when I go home, it's just me. And how fucked up I am that I can't get past my own ...?? to get a life and do something about maybe not being so alone so often.
Oh I'm trying again though...I sent a message to I about getting together for a beach/pool/picnic date next week and and got a great response back and I sent an email to J to see if she would be up for getting together as well.
So I think I'm going to just end up having a stayvacation and seeing where the wind takes me.
And I'm going to spend some time thinking about the people in my life who I actually can and cannot count on. I know, I know, the only person you really can (or should) count on is yourself but it's nice to have others to help out every once in a while.
I'm going to be 43 and what do I have to show for my life? I'm not being hard on myself...I have accomplished a LOT and come a long way but I'm back to turning around in circles and not going anywhere.
*sigh*
Maybe time for therapy again? Or a life coach? I don't know. Maybe this is just a ...mood.
But yeah, that's what I'll do with some of the time ...I'll do some soul-searching and hopefully have a good birthday this year.
Musings from a big and beautiful sometimes "drama queen" on her current state of existence
What's It All About?
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates
While you’re here, in this time and in this space, you are beautiful and you are perfect.
You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
Noire
She'll be 2 years in 2 months! Time flies!
Things I'm grateful for everyday....
- My family
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
- My friends, old and new.
- A roof over my head.
- My computer & internet access
- Being employed (even if I don't always like things about my job)
- The public library and the joy of borrowing books with/on/for my Kindle
- That I can walk on two legs, use 2 arms/hands, have ten fingers/toes, can see and hear, etc. (uh, no offense to anyone who is physically challenged)
- Other people's creativity and efforts
- The love of a good man (he IS good)
Current Favorite Quotes
“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
"The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are." ~ Joseph Campbell
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens
"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castañeda
"..there’s something lovely about knowing that when it’s right, you really know it’s right because you’ve already been through all the wrong." ~ Sade
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." —Mark Twain
(This bit not so much as a quote but somethings I wrote down that I want to keep and this looks like a good place to do it)
7-25-07
1. Almost everything comes from almost nothing.
2. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
3. Leap and the net will appear.
Facts of Life (per Sonya Friedman)
- 1. No one can bring your life to you
- 2. No matter what you do, someone important isn't going to like it
- 3. Though painful, rejection won't kill you - it may even lead to growth
- 4. Every choice means giving up something different
- 5. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them
- 6. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
- 7. There are no quick fixes that can permanently change your life
- 8. Life is on a rheostat, not an on/off switch
- 9. Some problems cannot be solved - but you can make peace with them