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Did you know I have another blog? The one I don't share with anyone? Yup. I call it "Another Side of Me" and it's one I created to have an outlet for all of my "bad" sides. The one that whines. The one that is bitchy. The one who does horrible things. The one who is naughty. I haven't wanted to share those particular sides of myself here. I've been wanting this one to be where I was the witty, intelligent...work in progress. And show myself as a ...interesting, mature, semi-good girl.

But now it's feeling like I'm not being completely honest about all of me. I've got a dark side and why am I trying to hide it? I'm an imperfect, contradictory, sometimes slightly psycho mess. 

So let me tell you a little bit about dark "Sam". She doesn't always do the right thing. She doesn't always make the right, responsible choice.

E.g. has been sick but took advantage and took a whole fucking week off of work when it wasn't quite necessary.

E.g. is barely hanging on financially.  Well, this maybe isn't news. I've alluded to my money woes before. But I really am in deep shit. I love love my apartment but I bit off more than I could chew in keeping up with the rent.

And then there's my love life. (And I use the word love very loosely!)

I met a guy online and on the 2nd "date" (coffee meet does so count as date #1) had him back to my apartment and there was some naked play time. And this is the 2nd man I've been sexual with, right away, in the course of the past few months. (Not that being sexual is a problem, it's that I'm OK with having multiple partners because I would have been quite happy to have both of these D's in my life and have sex with both of them...not at the same time ...well...hmm, that's a whole 'nother post isn't it? My kinky side) and he's the 2nd man I've met online that I've had ...an adventure with.

The first being SD. I never told you how we met (or did I?) Yup, met him online and we really connected ...(he wrote GREAT emails!) ...and he's a great kisser. Then after we'd had sex 3 times, he sent an email saying not wanting to date...am bigger woman than he usually dates.  Call me...not surprised. Takes a special man to appreciate the outer package. I was hurt of course at the time but having been in this situation before, well, let's just say I survived. (Didn't hurt I've got really great friends to remind me that I'm quite desirable thank you very much!)

My choosing to be friends with him...eventually...after the fact was largely based on the fact that we DID have a great connection. And we have a lot of things in common...some shared...interests. Writing, music, weed.  Yes, I said it. Weed. As if you haven't known that some of these posts were written while I was in ...another state of mind.

Our hanging out after that ...has included sex. (Call me totally shocked that it even happened in the first place!) So now we're friends ...with occasional benefits. Or at least we were. Until I sent a suggestive email and tried to kick that part of our friendship up a notch. (Gawd, why did I have to use that expression?) Now we don't talk as much. I'm trying to leave him be so I don't "smother" him.

So a couple of weeks ago I think to myself, I need to put myself back out there and meet some new people (this woman has needs!)

So I did. Hello POF (that's plenty of fish for y'all that don't know) and that was a... disaster.  Just another bunch of men who are really mostly looking for only one thing. And while I'm looking for that too, I want to be wooed a little first. I want someone who wants to spend a little time getting to know each other before the conversation even turns to sex, let alone to having it. (That I've been not following any of the good girl "rules" and have been giving away the milk for free probably is a whole 'nother topic of conversation that I won't delve into right now.) 

There had been another D I had corresponded with the last time I had a profile "up". Nothing ever came of those emails. The one time we were supposed to meet, I chickened out (then again it was around the time that the whole thing with SD went down... the bad part) He found me on POF and after a couple of emails, we finally just agreed to meet up. He was more open this time about his interest in ...shall we just say it? Light (?!) BDSM. (He now shall be referred to as DD.) I had no problem with that.

My initial overall reaction to DD was...favorable. I was hoping he would want to see me again. Though I remember his hands being ...odd. Seriously, it was all I could think about and talk about. (Little did I know those hands would be fucking magic!)

Anyway, we finally got together again this past Friday...a week ago today and while it might have gone tits up because he was late, really late in meeting up with me, I decided to not be a bitch (I had been running late when we met initially) ...and I was really quite intrigued by the thought of really exploring the lighter side of it. (Blindfolds? Being tied up? Light spanking? Hell yeah!) (Uh, it's probably a good thing my mother doesn't read this.)

We had a slice of pizza at Cossetta's, then went across the street to McGoverns for a drink (or two) and more conversation.

Now here is the thing about ...dating. How the hell do you be yourself when you've finally FINALLY become comfortable with who that is?  How do you not say too much? How do you not be too honest?

*sigh*

Dating. What a racket. Putting on make-up and putting on the "look at how witty and charming I am, while still being a really cool, open-mined woman" face.

Anyway, I let him give me a ride home and invited him up. I thought in light of his interests, he might enjoy watching "Secretary" ...well, we started watching it and that's when I discovered the magic hands. And then I discovered he was a terrible kisser. At least certainly we were not compatible in that area. (And let's not even talk about the unhappy surprise when I finally saw his equipment. Total opposite of SD. Oh, I didn't mention SD was blessed in that regard? :P )

But we got naked and we played. We didn't go ...all the way ....but that was fine. I was sure it was part of his ..."leave them wanting more" game. (Though he said it was because we didn't know each other very well. At the time, I thought sweet but upon reflection, think stupid because getting naked with someone is also quite an intimate act thank you very much.)

He left about 4 a.m. and I spent the weekend ...wound up.

And I haven't heard from him since. So fuck him of course. But fuck. Though I think I do prefer the disappearing act to the honest email.

I decided to see what other kind of "fish" were out there (get it? he he) and not judge all by the 1 and was chatting with some guy Jay ...who ended up sending me a picture that was giving me a peek of his equipment. Our chat had gotten a bit out of control (how can you have sexy conversations with someone you haven't even met yet??? I just don't get it.)

That was the last straw for me. 

So here I am. I took the ad down and am now just back to ...this life. But I also decided again that it really was time to focus on me again. At least start that trial membership at the Y.  Get together with friends.

And then I got sick (being punished for my slutty ways?)

The other problem with dating though is that while I may want a relationship unlike what I'm used to ...want a partner in crime to have adventures big and small with, I am not emotionally available. My heart still belongs to another.

Once you get a taste of being loved as yourself, 100% yourself, it's hard to settle for less than that.

I've known love that accepts me, flaws and all. I've known a love that when I'm with that person I feel like I'm "Sam" 2.0. A better version of me. A wittier, sexier version of me. A deep love that, while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, is real and true.

I also ...really really like MY time. Selfish maybe but I guess that's what happens when you spend years not having to answer to anybody but yourself.

So those are just some of the things I've been not sharing here.

So it's time I stop trying to act like I've got it all together (oh wait, I know I haven't been giving THAT impression!) ...it's time I write about some of the realities.

There are still plenty of things to be thankful for... and I will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other as I've been doing and not get bogged down in my failures and mistakes.

(Yeah right.)