The Ride - Literally and Figuratively

Oh where to begin this time around. So much swirling around in my head. It's been one hell of a month so far. No seeing of B, finding out my license was suspended due to non-payment of that damn ticket I got when I didn't move over a lane because my exit was RIGHT there. (I kept meaning to go in and talk to them about it but kept putting it off and then between adjusted work hours for various trainings, Mom being in the hospital, Sally's visit, my birthday and then work being crazy busy, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.)

But it finally caught up with me ...and not only did I find out it was official that my license was suspended, I got a ticket (another expensive one!) for driving with a suspended license! Fuckin' A!

And this may be the time around when it's really over with B.

It all came to a head last weekend. The previous week he had to cancel on me 3 nights in a row and then when I suggested the weekend, it all fell apart and I reached a breaking point. Fuck you was uttered. Twice. (By me of course.) We've had our ups and downs and time to see each other is limited and precious. But I can only ride the ride for so long right? I know seeing someone in his situation is fraught with all sorts of challenges but this is getting ridiculous.

We didn't talk for a week. And then he called me. We had a bit of conversation but there was nothing really resolved. He said the thing he always says about having a lot going on and then he said the one thing he's NOT said before. The he doesn't know if he can give me what I want even though he wants to.

I sent him an email this morning, reminding him that he always has a lot going on and he always will but if he wants to be with me, he is going to have to find a way to make it work. And I'm not bluffing this time. He's perfectly capable of making time for me on a weekly basis...he's been doing it for years. I told him I'm not calling him and if he calls me today, I'm not picking up and that I will answer the call only when I know he's had time to read the email and is calling to make a date that he's gonna keep. But this is it. His last chance.

Maybe this comes across as overly-demanding of me considering how full his life is already between the family, the work and his properties, but as I mentioned, he's managed for years to find some time for me on a fairly regular basis.

I think what is at the heart of it all is that I'm finally ready to say that the relationship with him is not enough and I want more.

At the bottom of this blog is something that has helped me in numerous ways deal with the challenges of life -the list of the "Facts of Life" and one of them is one I've been trying to deny. "Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them."

Some people aren't capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them.

I used to think that if anything, I would at least be happy just to have him in my life...even if it was via an occasional phone call, but now I don't think I could even handle that. Talking to the man who I love so fucking much and when we're together, makes me feel so damn good and knowing I can't be with him would just be too fucking hard.

*Sigh*

Why can't I just be content with the crumbs of time and availability that he throws me?

And now here we are and I think things are really at the stage where I think it's going to be over and now I have to start preparing myself for that.

*[BIG] sigh*

It's a beautiful day out there and I should at least go out and get some sun and stop moping about in my cool, comforting nest/cave.

But first, I should go ahead and write about taking the bus again. It sure has been a humbling experience. And I'm reminded of how precious even one minute can be. In the world of bus-riding it means the difference between making the connection and getting to work early, on time or late. Riding the bus is all about time. Watching it, obsessing about it.

Riding the bus means feeling kind of gross when I reach my destination...like there is a layer of city schmutz on me that I need to wash off (the first thing I do when I get to work or get home is wash my hands.) Riding the bus means lots of time waiting between some of the connections and increased smoking. Riding the bus means interacting on a surface level with a variety of people and seeing all sorts of characters...young, old, in-between, black, white, brown, short, tall, fat, skinny...and we've all got our headphones on, our noses in a book or are on our phones, surfing or texting.

Riding the bus reminds me of why it is that I've said I don't want children. I used to say it was because there were so many brats on the bus but what it really is that, if I had children, at some point, I'm sure I would be one of those women who has to take their kids on the bus. My mother did that with us when we were kids and and it was fun for us, but I'm sure it was not as fun for her. I think in some ways that is part of my not wanting children...knowing that my economic status isn't really going to change and I refuse to raise a child the way I was raised. I love my parent's, don't get me wrong, but money was ALWAYS a problem. Oh sure we had enough for a roof over our heads and food on the table but money was "always too tight to mention." Maybe those don't seem like good enough reasons to not have a child but they matter. A child is a huge responsibility financially and otherwise. That's what having a child means to me anyway. It's another person to take care of and taking care of myself alone is sometimes a challenge.

Riding the bus means being at the mercy of a lot of outside factors (hey, I just realized this is what I say at work about flights!!!!!) and when you miss that specific connection that you need in order to get to work on time and have to wait a 1/2 hour for the next bus to get you there...

Now on the flip side, riding the bus means not dealing with obnoxious stupid drivers on the road. Riding the bus means air-conditioning. Riding the bus means I'm doing my tiny part for the environment. Riding the bus means getting to spend a lot of time listening to music and getting reacquainted with the massive library of songs I've got on my ipod.

But now that I've paid that ticket that got me in this mess to begin with, I can hardly stand the wait in getting my license reinstated (I paid on Friday and it takes a couple of business days to happen) because I want to be driving my car again! I want my freedom and independence back!

Because that is what riding the bus does NOT mean. You are at the mercy of time. You have limited freedom and independence. Granted, we have pretty good public transportation in this town but it's not the same as being able to hop in your car and do what you want or need to when you want to or need to.

Now I just have to hope that this new ticket doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. A co-worker thinks that if they find out that I got a ticket for driving with a suspended license, they may suspend it again...but that doesn't seem right. The action (or lack of in this case, not paying that ticket) caused the reaction (the suspension) and now that has been paid...so...right?

But still I'll have to get that paid next paycheck. And hope by doing that, this whole mess will be behind me.

OK, time for coffee and food and sun and a cigarette.